Wednesday, October 25, 2006

Breaking News from America's Hometown

So at 5:30 this morning, I made my "cup-o-joe" and took our wet newspaper out of its protective plastic bag--you know, the bag that protects it from--wetness.

Our newspaper has arrived soaking wet at least three times this week. Sunday I had to spread it out all over the kitchen to dry. I got really impatient to start the crossword, so I blow dried that page. No one saw this but my dog. She was just glad it wasn't her for once. But the page was all wrinkly and frustrating. Nevertheless, I am still the Crossword Champ of the World in my house.

BREAKING NEWS: OK, here's what's on the front page today. You've got to read it to believe it because the headline doesn't do it justice:

WOMAN WHACKS INTRUDER WITH POT
Sabrena Davis first chose a knife. Timothy A. Simison, 27, Hartford City, should thank the Muncie woman for changing her mind. "I probably could've gotten away with it," says Davis, who goes by the nickname Pochie. "But my conscience would have ate me up."

Apparently Pochie was in her nightgown upstairs watching Judge Mathis (this is real reporting, people) when she came down and let him have it.

The alleged intruder's mug shot is included in the story, and frankly, he looks a little dazed. Duh. Can you imagine being hit on the head over and over with a pot?

But the story goes on: "By the time Simison was jailed for the break-in, detectives had also charged him with stealing an officer's cell phone from a patrol car while in police custody."

Now here's the very professional response to that from an officer: "Talk about a klepto."

Other amusingly absurd details are reported, but I'll go on to Headline Two:

MUNCIE SCHOOLS LOSING FUNDING
(but the loss is not happening fast enough, says a researcher for a non-profit group)


Huh? It's like they're saying: If there's one thang Muncie cain't wait to git shed of, it's them money-grubbin' schools. We're already pumping out fine citizens like Pochie and the Man. Next thang you know, they'll be beggin' fer fancy colored chalk in them classrooms. Git us our money back!

And finally, this isn't a headline, but regarding the squirrel in the sweater from yesterday's post, it has dawned on me that he is:

1) the luckiest squirrel in the world whose lunatic benefactors have set him up in a posh penthouse with upholstered furniture in a tree.

2) the luckiest squirrel in the world who has been invited to live in a real house inhabited by others presumably of the non-rodent variety, such as an actual human family. Now, if this is the case, there is a BIG problem. Not the possibility of nasty bites and rabies. It's the covert inhumane treatment of the squirrel. (Where is the SPCA?) That is, he is probably way too warm in that sweater. We can only hope that it is a 50%-50% breathable blend.

5 comments:

Big Mama said...

I'm not even going to read my newspaper today, because there is no way the headlines will top yours.

I just hope it wasn't a cast iron pan.

Big Mama said...

I'm not even going to read my newspaper today, because there is no way the headlines will top yours.

I just hope it wasn't a cast iron pan.

Susanne said...

I need to start getting that newspaper! Ours is too depressing, yours sounds amusing!

The Human Napkin said...

What I'd like to know is how on earth those people managed to get the sweater on the squirrel in the first place. I've held squirrels before and let me tell you, I don't think it can be done without sedating the squirrel first.

And I gotta tell you, those headlines remind me of the little county newspaper where I grew up. Especially the "talk about a klepto" remark by the policeman. Ah, hometown memories.

And I've been known to use the blow dryer on stuff that wasn't my own hair. Like money that got washed, which I then ironed. Because it was wrinkled, see, and money is "speshul." Especially when you don't see the green stuff very often. Or the coiny kind. Just the plastic kind. Kind of depressing, really.

Time for my morning cup o' joe... Millstone Chocolate with lots of sugar and Creamy Chocolate flavored Coffee Mate creamer. I have a serious chocolate problem.

Carol said...

Nobody could make this stuff up. Real life is truly stranger than fiction.