Monday, November 20, 2006

Over the River and Through the Woods, to WowMart We Will Go

Late this afternoon I went to WowMart to buy some Thanksgivin' essentials. I was so proud of my exhaustive list, which included not only food for my own family's dinner but also for two others we will attend, as well. It was just like the good old days before I worked; I was organized.

Happening upon one of the best spots in the parking lot was a good omen. I jumped out of my cute little teal Camaro and "jauntily" walked up to the doors--just in time to remember I'd left my exhaustive list back in the car. [Back track all the way back to the car. Get list. Jaunt forward again.]

Once inside, I snagged a newer cart and pre-greeted the greeter (an overachiever's mind game) who was NOT dressed like this

which is a BIG thing to be thankful for. But I digress.

Making my way through the store, I noticed that my cart was tugging to the left, but it was a mere distraction. I was on a mission.

About three aisles into it, I noticed my socks were sliding under my heels and bunching up under my arches. Again, a mere distraction. A quick adjustment in the toilet paper aisle, and I was off again.

Green beans, mushrooms, Jello . . . and an allergy attack. No Kleenex in my purse. Back to the "facial tissues" aisle. A running nose was also a mere distraction, but good grief, the THIRD major distraction, and I was getting perturbed.

For a Monday afternoon, the store was busy and getting busier by the minute. The aisles were becoming more crowded with screaming (and I mean screaming) kids and people who appeared to be talking to themselves but were actually engaged in phone conversations.

Thirty minutes later, the cart was heaping, and I felt like I was trying to push a stubborn, heavy warthog through a delicate domino maze (towers of cans everywhere.) I was throwing my whole weight into this cart. A few more aisles, and I had to go to the front and pull the cart severely to the right instead of pushing it.

At approximately 4:30, I called Husband to tell him I was stuck in the vinegar aisle and Baby Girl had to be picked up from show choir practice at 5:00. He agreed to get her.

I searched and searched for Indian Trail Cranberry Orange relish and gave up. Apparently that item is too exotic for WowMart.

I was finally in the check out line when I noticed that I suddenly became FLUSHED with an intensive heat sensation. Hot flashes (at least I think this is my 2nd one) make you feel as though you are emanating a temperature approximating that of the inner core of the earth, about 6700*F. I'm surprised the demonized shopping cart didn't melt.

I was almost through the ordeal when my cashier placed a gallon of milk on top of the spinning "wheel o'sacks." Suddenly, we both noticed the milk was spewing forth a stream reminiscent of those that erupt when you've gone past a feeding or two as a nursing mama.

I stood there on bunched up socks, plugging milk that was dripping all over me, sweating under a black parka, waiting for Trevor the extra WowMart kid to take the milk and bring me a new gallon.

Back at the cute LITTLE car, I stuffed Thanksgiving into my trunk, back seat and front seat, headed home, and enlisted the resident weight-lifter Son to bring in the groceries.

I had better hear a lot of "MMMMS" and "AAAAAHS" this Thursday concerning the delicious meal set before them (the offspring and mate.) And I would especially appreciate one of those blessings where they say, "And bless the hands that pushed the cart of Paul Bunyan through the treacherous aisles of screaming natives and the feet that trod upon the rugged rocks--er--socks and the brow that bore the sweat of the battle to bring us this great feast."



Big Mama said...

"the cart of Paul Bunyan"? You are seriously funny.

Who knew a trip to Walmart could be so entertaining? And that picture is priceless, I don't even want to know where you found it.

The Human Napkin said...

I think maybe you and I were in parallel universes yesterday. Your trip to Wal Mart sounds like my trip to Central Market. Only I had the genius idea that while I waited for my husband to get off work, I would drive myself and the kids to Central Market, in the heart of Plano, Texas (a.k.a. the busiest city on earth with the highest number of reckless drivers per capita and perpetual road construction), during rush hour. Going in wasn't too bad (I was going the opposite direction from everyone else), but coming out to go pick up my husband involved traffic backed up all the way through TWO lights and the slowest-moving train ever made.

I think I may have seen that guy in your picture somewhere in all that mess.

Susanne said...

I can only imagine how frustrating it all was but sorry, I'm have a LOL moment because you tell it in a seriously funny way! If I knew your kids email I'd copy and paste that statement you would like said at Thanksgiving and email it to them in plenty of time for them to memorize by this Thursday. :vD

Melanie said...

Loved the blessing! Amen.