Friday, December 01, 2006

Christmas TV, Tooth Bleach

Have you been going crazy listening to the opening bars of "A Thousand Miles" by Vanessa Carlton on that jewelry commercial?? I have.

"Ta-tinkldy,tinkldy-tink-tink" (repeat) "Ta-tinkldy,tinkldy-tink-tink" (repeat) "Ta-tinkldy,tinkldy-tink-tink" (repeat) . . . COME ON, JEWELRY PEOPLE, FINISH THE SONG! Or at least get past the introduction.

The music is beautiful, but it's playing just about every two commercial spots. I think it's a hypnotic trick they're playing on us. Maybe every time we "tinkle," we'll have an inexplicable urge to buy expensive jewelry. All during December, when we run out of toilet paper, instead of yelling to the CCDP (circumstantially conveniently deaf people) in our households, we'll be yelling, "Hey! Could somebody bring me some . . . 3 karat diamond rings and a tiara?"

Speaking of toilets, I asked a friend the other day about her Thanksgiving. She wins for the most entertaining story. Her mother was violently ill with a double-barrel flu (you know what I mean). So ill, in fact, she had to have an IV, which is not funny, but what happened before is. She had been in the bathroom and thought she was finished with all of the "functions." She stood up to flush and was overcome again. She made her way out of the bathroom and noticed that her dentures were . . . you guessed it . . . gone. They pulled up the toilet and ended up finding them stuck in the "U" of the toilet. Relief ($1000 down the drain--literally).

Now put yourself in her shoes and ask this question: Do I put these things back IN MY MOUTH? I mean, how much bleaching should you do first? You can't boil them.

She chose to triple-bleach and insert. My friend, her daughter, said every time she looked at her mom during Thanksgiving, she couldn't get past the teeth. Understandable. But here's a whooooole other aspect: How would you like to be married to someone wearing toilet teeth??

In the end, my friend's 6th grade son summed it all up: "This gives a whole new meaning to 'potty mouth.'"

(Not actual dentures of said story, but very happy dentures, indeed.)

Do you bleach your teeth? I mean with Crest Strips or whatever. I do. I admit it. I couldn't believe what a difference it made after the first time a few years ago. Drawbacks: You have to know how to wallpaper. I mean it's literally like wallpapering your teeth, down to the sticky "glue" and smoothing out the wrinkles. And, no matter what Crest claims, you can't talk clearly with them in. Every time I finish coffee, I immediately brush my teeth. Also, I have a small mouth, so the upper strip goes way around my top teeth. I'm whitening where the sun don't shine. It's a little secret I share with God and my dentist: I have sparkling white molars.


Susanne said...

LOL! That is just tooooo hilarious. My bil also lost his teeth once. They were brand new, as was the water pump house in the town he works for. In checking the water pump his new teeth inexplicably jumped right out his mouth and landed in the tank. He drained the tank as much as possible and then waded in with bare feet, water up to his knees and felt around with his feet for those brand new expensive teeth until he found them. Then filled the tank back up and went on his merry way to disinfect the teeth. This story is now going down in our family history archives. We won't let him forget it. Comes up about once a year at family functions. :v)

Big Mama said...

Oh the denture story cracked me up and grossed me out all at the same time. Potty mouth indeed.

And I am totally going to use your suggestion and get one of those gingerbread house kits for Caroline and me. That may even be our project for tomorrow morning!

The Human Napkin said...

I'm going to think of this every time I hear the phrase "potty mouth." I can't quit laughing now!

Carol said...

Oh my. How on earth did she manage to lose her teeth THERE of all places?

Potty mouth. Har! That's great.