Tuesday, March 06, 2007

Party On, but I Can't Move!

OH. mygosh. Yesterday, for the first time in months, I pulled out my old, homemade tall wooden box, my old dinky weights covered in purple rubber, and popped my old videotape of the "The Firm" exercise routine for legs and butts into the old VCR. I began to workout my old body.

Did you catch the theme in that paragraph? O-L-D.

I am so, so, so sore. I am walking like Tim Conway's old man character on the Carol Burnett show. This morning, I opened a piece of gum and threw the wrapper away and watched it float breezily past the rim of the trash can and land on the floor. I just stood there, estimating the pain I'd have to go through to pick it up. I decided the house wouldn't implode if I left it there while I was at work all day. And going to the bathroom--I can lower just so far, and then it's a muscle spasm free-for-all; I just drop and howl. And nothing makes you look or feel older than getting in and out of a Camaro while moaning and groaning about your achin' muscles. Oh the pain. And the longer I sit, the worser I git.

I'm not a mean person who holds grudges, but by the end of these tapes, I could seriously beat up the instructors in their white '80s leotards with their belts and slouchy socks and permed hair. I feel like I've been a slave on one of those boats where the mean guy cracks the whip and yells, "Row!" when the slaves are dropping like flies. These perky women have no mercy. Not even those whip-crackers smiled and hollered, "Feel the burn!" to those poor slaves, but these aerobic Flashdance instructors growl it at you over and over.

Children, what is the moral of this story? Forty-four year old women don't realize what those numbers mean. Before they jump up on their tall boxes, they should have to sit down and count out forty-four Cheerios, forty-four buttons and forty-four marbles so that they can get a visual about how many years old their bodies actually are. And then they could proceed at their own risk.

"The Firm" ad says you can see a visible difference after 10 workouts, but the way my backside feels tonight, I could swear that one session miraculously lifted my heiny clear up to my shoulder blades. I'm done.

Bonus Picture: Today is Zoe's 5th birthday. She's my wittle Beanie Baby that came to life! Think of this as a "Shoebox Greeting:"


Susan said...

Oh no, I have felt that pain before and it ISN'T FUN...Hope you feel better soon. By the way, Zoe is absolutely ADORABLE!!

Have a blessed night!!

:-) Susan

Susanne said...

First and foremost: Happy Birthday, Zoe. Hope your mommy bought you a nice treat for your birthday!

Second: I'm walking like that and I didn't even have to exercise. :v} We can now say Owwww! in stereo.

Roxanne said...

I haven't aerobicized in years. . .I think it was like college OR my first year of teaching. Take some Motrin and get back on the treadmill. :)

Melanie said...

I am anaerobic.

And, LOVE the shoebox greeting!!

Clemntine said...

Does that mean you go around stammering, "Missus eh-Whiggins"?

Sorry you're sore.

Sincerity said...

Hello! I was just hop-scotching through blogs and found your comments on susan's.

I'm sorry that you're hurting! I'm hurting too! Did something to my leg... or at least that's the general theory right now with my doctor and I. Oh well... God works in mysterious ways. :)

What an adorable doggy! We have Lhasa-Apsos at home. They're small but not quite that tiny... except for when we have puppies...

Christine said...

Thanks for stopping back, and letting me know about Yorkies. We had a Cocker Spaniel for almost 10yrs., who we nicknamed "TinkleBell", because everytime she got excited to see someone she tinkled. I have mostly tile in the front part of my house and 3 of our 5 bedrooms, because of allergies and tile's easier to take care of with 4 kids and a husband in construction. I wouldn't be able to keep up with cleaning a rug!LOL!Your puppy is adorable!

Tammy said...

Oh Linda...this is perfect! I love it! LOL Because I have these old VHS tapes that I recorded a bunch of workout episodes of "The Figures" from the '80s and early 90's...I use to do them faithfully when I was young and peppy. And consistency is the key...trying to go for it when you workout once a month just doesn't work so well! ;)

And Linda...we're exactly the same age! :)
Anyway, loved this post!

Martha said...

ooooo this was to funny, sorry. I have those same tapes to... I love the comment where you said you beat up the girls in the video!!!lol....such a cute dog my daughter wants one just like it ;)

Christy said...

At least you got your weights out. I keep saying everyday I'm going to get mine out again. Hasn't happened yet. Although I have started back walking so at least I'm doing something.