Monday, April 16, 2007

It's All About Me? I Thought So!

The first sentence of Rick Warren's Purpose-Driven Life says, "It's not about you." I agree. Actually, it's all about me. At least it is at Wal-Mart.

According to a Globelink article (re Canadian retail) called, What Would Linda Buy? Wal-Mart Needs to Know (November 7, 2006), I am quite powerful:

At the new Wal-Mart Supercentre, it's all about Linda.

She's the prototypical customer for whom the massive stores are being designed, right down to where the bras are displayed.

"Linda" is 30 to 45 years old, has two or three children, a husband and a career. She's a soccer mom who multitasks, and she's time-starved.

Got that right, Amen!

"When we put together a new service or product, we say, 'Let's check with Linda,'" Wal-Mart Canada chief executive officer Mario Pilozzi said.

Why can't the rest of the universe work this way?

"Linda" has a hectic life, and anything that Wal-Mart can do to make it easier is a feather in its cap. "Linda is like the CEO and the CFO [chief financial officer] of the family," Mr. Thompson said. "We've got a lot of respect for this lady. She is balancing her kids, her husband, her career... We look after her and we become her one-stop shop, her destination for all her needs. Linda wins, we win and our shareholders win."

Me likey when Linda wins.

A-hem. Excuse me, but I'd like a few words with my Wal-Mart love slaves. Hoosier Linda has some suggestions for Wal-Mart.

1. Clean up your aisles.
2. Schedule more than three cashiers for your forty lanes of checkouts.
3. Offer free samples of high quality chocolate and coffee.
4. Allow curbside parking for anyone named Linda.
5. Clean up your bathrooms at least semi-annually.
6. Fire Greeters. Employ Bouncers to keep out mullets and confederate flags and people who slap their kids every five seconds.
7. Take down Sam Waltons 20' picture. It's like Big Brother is watching you all the time. Sam Walton, J.C. Penney and Colonel Sanders are all dead. We don't like them staring at us from on high.
8. Stop playing Wal-Mart commercials and Kenny Chesney videos on suspended TVs in your stores.
9. Get some better lookin' smocks for your employees. Better yet, get rid of the smocks. (Revolutionary idea.)
10. Employ people to make sure there's a price tag on every stinkin' item. In the event a tagless item is missed, instruct cashier to believe customer about price, no matter how ludicrous the claim, e.g.: A full swingset with curly slide for $8.95? Why not. Better to get stiffed by one customer than make the 50 people behind her angry, too.

Finally, anyone caught stealing should be made to eat lunch with this man or a reasonable facsimile:


Connie Barris said...

SOOOO do you shop at my walmart?

or are ALL walmarts like this?

You are a hoot!

Susanne said...

Ha. I thought you were going to say: "Anybody caught stealing will be made to wear this outfit and walk through the store". :vD

Scary about the 20' pic. We don't have that in our Canadian Walmart.

Tammy said...

You are a riot!

OK, here'a rant- ready?

Last fall, we picked up our six week old puppy after just purchasing her, and had to stop at Walmart on the way home. Hubby went in by himself, and then I remembered something important we had to buy, and hurried in with my girls, while I carried the tiny sleepy puppy to tell hubby who was now in checkout line. A "greeter" chased me down and said, in an annoyed voice,
"Maam, there are no dogs allowed in here!"
Yep...that little puppy in my arms was indeed causing havoc everywhere.
I should take her back today...all 70 lbs of her...just to see what happen...;)

Rhonda said...

I like it! Especially No.6. I've got some serious concerns about such patrons. Makes me choose to pay a little more and shop elsewhere sometimes.

I would howevever, prefer the curbside parking for people named 'Rhonda'. But not too close to the entrance - I'd never be able to exit - all their customers don't watch where they are going and like to walk in front of any vehicle I happen to be driving.

Roxanne said...

First of all. . .could you please post this over at Melanie's place about the cute dolls. It won't take my comment. . .

"So pretty. . .love these dolls. Does anyone have any idea what size they are? My daughter has and American Girl doll and I'm wondering if the clothes can be shared. Thanks for sharing these."

Next, that Wal-Mart bag picture is HILARIOUS. Your parenthetical humor was great. I just love reading your blog. And thanks for being my mailman.

Melanie said...


I am so glad you are back on the sauce- coffee. ;>)

Can I be Linda for a day?

The Preacher's Wife said...

My Mom works at Walmart for fun...Can you even imagine?? Her latest story? Two older ladies who got really tickled in the store and laughed so hard they peed their pants..both of them..puddles on the floor, maintenance required...What's worse..they stayed and kept on shopping!! I'm certain neither one of them was named Linda. :)

amy said...

You made me laugh out loud..We have finally found something that we all have in common...Walmart!

These were all sooo true. I am so glad I stopped by.

If you are interested, Amy's Random Thoughts is having a blogging Scavenger Hunt starting May 1st..A good time will be had by all.. Perhaps there will be a hunt for a blog post about Walmart!!!

Robin said...

A new WallyWorld just opened less than 3 miles from my house. So far, it's still looks new, it's clean, and the greeters are FABULOUS! I can't believe I said any of the above, but it's all true.

There's one greeter who sings his greeting (an older black gentleman) and he's got this amazing, happy, bluesy voice and you can't HELP but smile when you hear him. NEVAH thought I'd be praising WM greeters, but this crew should win a prize.

To get a dose of reality, all I have to do is go to the old WM location and I see scary greeters, dirty aisles, no cashiers, crying babies, arm-jerkin' moms....

Fantasyland is better. Funny post to enjoy my second cup of coffee over :).

samurai said...

Man, when you get on a rant - you get on a RANT! LOL

I agree with most of your points except the one where this person "Linda" gets all the perks. :)

Have you started drinking coffee again yet? :)

Ang said...

Ummm, could you please pass the brain bleach so that I can forever rid myself of any memory of that picture?!? :)Yikes!!!

Lynda said...

I certainly hope this new approach includes LYnda's too!! I truly love your list. May I add one more humble request from the Linda/Lynda customers: Every WalMart MUST be required to have at least three shopping carts in the store with four functioning wheels that all go forward! Whew, it feels good to get that one off my chest!

Nancy said...

I haven't been to Wal-mart in two years. (We only have Target near where I live, which is great, but I do miss Wal-Mart.) I have to tell you the Wal-Mart in Alabama where we lived previously, they (meaning a judge, I would guess) required shoplifters to wear a sandwich board that read, "I stole from this store" and walk back and forth on the sidewalk between the two sets of doors. I saw it with my own two eyes.