I am sure that you all have heard about the discovery of a new planet reported within the last few days. Ron Kaitchuk, a physics professor at Ball State University here in Muncie, which has an actual planetarium all Munsonians have been to a gazillion times on field trips when we were kids and with our own children on field trips another mazillion times, says, "The good news is, a newly discovered planet found just outside our solar system appears to have the ability to support life ... the bad news is, if you throw your shades, sunscreen and trunks into a suitcase and blast off tomorrow in our fastest spacecraft, you'll get there in about 100,000 years."
This got me to thinking.
I'm envisioning a Versace Space Shuttle equipped with the finest luxuries, fully stocked to last a "fer piece," like 100,000 years or however many miles that translates to. This new planet, aptly named, "Sanjaya," could be promoted as the most elite place to live, where there are no taxes and only the beautiful and famous can live undistracted by regular people and unaccountable to any higher power, like Oprah.
Seats would be limited, so celebrities' agents would be calling and pulling every string to get their clients on booked.
However--get this--celebrities would have to be voted onto the shuttle by the American public!
Who would you nominate to make the virgin voyage? Not that they have to be virgins, because although this is make-believe, the virginal requirement would clog up the fantasy just a little too much to maintain even the tiniest hint of any actual possibility.
Therefore, I'd send:
1. Rosie O'Donnell
2. Alec Baldwin
3. Howard Stern (both Howard Sterns)
4. Several TV evangelists (count as one if unified in The Alliance of Parasitic Protozoans)
5. Barbra Streisand
6. Michael Schiavo
7. OJ Simpson
8. Charlie Sheen
9. Elton John
And Richard Gere is pushin' the list. And, I might nominate Hugh Grant who seems normal most of the time but occasionally wigs out and does something insane, like cheating on Elizabeth Hurly with that weird person of the night and just recently, assaulting someone over the head with baked beans.
Anyway, I'm sure the Sanjayans could live happily ever after together. What do you think?