Whenever I visit Sandy at The Reluctant Entertainer, I feel like "Miss Hoosier Corncob Festivus Queen 2007" in the audience of the "I'm Like Martha Stewart, Only Way More Beautiful," pageant. I can sort of "ooh" and "ahh" from afar when I read about her beautiful family, spectacular entertaining ideas and beautiful ... everything. For instance, she actually writes about eating from a trough and makes it beautiful. I am NOT joking. She is amazing. In fact, just quit this post right now and go there, for she is worthy of your time.
I am worthy of your pity.
1. My fit husband is now unfairly having to fight some cholesterol issues. Both of us have health issues that specifically call for upping the Omega 3 fats. We have determined to eat more salmon. There is A LOT of salmon in my kitchen right now. This is weird because Indiana is completely land-locked, and it's difficult to get good seafood here, so mostly, we eat corn. Like our cattle. Essential point: I do not know how to cook salmon.
2. We bought a grill. Expectations are high.
3. We have a family of foxes living in our neighborhood (in the city) that is terrorizing everyone. They are so brazen that they will stay in the yard even when humans are out there. Yelling at them. I thought farm killers were supposed to run around at night and be scared of humans. These foxes do not speak English and do not know what "Scram!" means. For instance, Husband was mowing, and the dad fox just looked at him, yawned, stretched and walked away nonchalantly, as if to say, "That noise is annoying. I'm going to the pool."
4. I have sandals with wedgie heels.
Now we are ready for the story.
I fired up the grill for the first time this afternoon after a shopping trip with my girl. I was hurrying to feed the first-born before she left for work at Ritter's Frozen Custard and before Husband arrived home from work.
When some people get in a hurry, things go bad.
I went out into the yard carrying the tray of burgers, looking, searching, up and down the yard for the foxes. I am now scared to death of them, and Zoe cannot go outside at all because of these man/Yorkshire Terrier eating beasts. I look like a complete paranoid schizophrenic in my own backyard. I am stealth grilling.
I turned on the grill successfully, even though I didn't quite follow the directions because I was too busy looking over my shoulder for foxes. I put the burgers on the grill and stepped back to avoid the heat, while looking frantically around for foxes, only to get my wedgie sandal heel caught in a small rut in the ground, which of course made me lurch backward, swing my arms in circles and tighten every single muscle in my body. Even that one. (Remember that I fell out of the car recently, so that trauma is never too far from my mind when I'm walking now.) All I could think of while I was tripping around was that I would fall and foxes would smell the raw meat and eat me. It also didn't help that I'm currently reading a novel wherein a corpse is discovered half-eaten by some kind of fox thing.
I got my balance back and ran inside. I ran out and got the burgers, ran in and prepared the stinky salmon. I ran back out and put it on the grill and ran back inside. I felt like one of those monkeys in the zoo who runs back and forth doing apparently meaningless things.
Husband came home, hopeful for a salmon steak with lemon pepper and red wine vinegar and other "stuff" that I bought for this meal. I brought the salmon in, and it was not done. He said, "Why is the salmon in this disposable pan?" "Where did you get this recipe?" "What is that gray stuff on the back of the salmon?" "Why did the marinade burn?" "Why can't you be like Sandy, the Beautiful Reluctant Entertainer?" "Why didn't we just buy shark liver oil pills?"
Out I went again, took the salmon mound out of the pan and dropped it on the grill, where the marinade/rub rubbed off on the grill bar-thingys. I stipped it bald.
I did not have time to make a side dish-- so excuse me. We ate slabs of bald salmon. Therefore, I feel "done" by the salmon. Grilled. I was grilled by a dead salmon and a cheeky fox.
If you have a) easy salmon recipes or b) sure-fire fox repellant solutions, please help me.
In the words of Yentl:
Looking at the skies I seem to see
A million eyes