Wednesday, May 30, 2007

Did I Grill the Salmon, or Did the Salmon Grill Me?

Whenever I visit Sandy at The Reluctant Entertainer, I feel like "Miss Hoosier Corncob Festivus Queen 2007" in the audience of the "I'm Like Martha Stewart, Only Way More Beautiful," pageant. I can sort of "ooh" and "ahh" from afar when I read about her beautiful family, spectacular entertaining ideas and beautiful ... everything. For instance, she actually writes about eating from a trough and makes it beautiful. I am NOT joking. She is amazing. In fact, just quit this post right now and go there, for she is worthy of your time.

I am worthy of your pity.

Background facts:

1. My fit husband is now unfairly having to fight some cholesterol issues. Both of us have health issues that specifically call for upping the Omega 3 fats. We have determined to eat more salmon. There is A LOT of salmon in my kitchen right now. This is weird because Indiana is completely land-locked, and it's difficult to get good seafood here, so mostly, we eat corn. Like our cattle. Essential point: I do not know how to cook salmon.

2. We bought a grill. Expectations are high.

3. We have a family of foxes living in our neighborhood (in the city) that is terrorizing everyone. They are so brazen that they will stay in the yard even when humans are out there. Yelling at them. I thought farm killers were supposed to run around at night and be scared of humans. These foxes do not speak English and do not know what "Scram!" means. For instance, Husband was mowing, and the dad fox just looked at him, yawned, stretched and walked away nonchalantly, as if to say, "That noise is annoying. I'm going to the pool."

4. I have sandals with wedgie heels.

Now we are ready for the story.

I fired up the grill for the first time this afternoon after a shopping trip with my girl. I was hurrying to feed the first-born before she left for work at Ritter's Frozen Custard and before Husband arrived home from work.

When some people get in a hurry, things go bad.

I went out into the yard carrying the tray of burgers, looking, searching, up and down the yard for the foxes. I am now scared to death of them, and Zoe cannot go outside at all because of these man/Yorkshire Terrier eating beasts. I look like a complete paranoid schizophrenic in my own backyard. I am stealth grilling.

I turned on the grill successfully, even though I didn't quite follow the directions because I was too busy looking over my shoulder for foxes. I put the burgers on the grill and stepped back to avoid the heat, while looking frantically around for foxes, only to get my wedgie sandal heel caught in a small rut in the ground, which of course made me lurch backward, swing my arms in circles and tighten every single muscle in my body. Even that one. (Remember that I fell out of the car recently, so that trauma is never too far from my mind when I'm walking now.) All I could think of while I was tripping around was that I would fall and foxes would smell the raw meat and eat me. It also didn't help that I'm currently reading a novel wherein a corpse is discovered half-eaten by some kind of fox thing.

I got my balance back and ran inside. I ran out and got the burgers, ran in and prepared the stinky salmon. I ran back out and put it on the grill and ran back inside. I felt like one of those monkeys in the zoo who runs back and forth doing apparently meaningless things.

Husband came home, hopeful for a salmon steak with lemon pepper and red wine vinegar and other "stuff" that I bought for this meal. I brought the salmon in, and it was not done. He said, "Why is the salmon in this disposable pan?" "Where did you get this recipe?" "What is that gray stuff on the back of the salmon?" "Why did the marinade burn?" "Why can't you be like Sandy, the Beautiful Reluctant Entertainer?" "Why didn't we just buy shark liver oil pills?"

Out I went again, took the salmon mound out of the pan and dropped it on the grill, where the marinade/rub rubbed off on the grill bar-thingys. I stipped it bald.

I did not have time to make a side dish-- so excuse me. We ate slabs of bald salmon. Therefore, I feel "done" by the salmon. Grilled. I was grilled by a dead salmon and a cheeky fox.

If you have a) easy salmon recipes or b) sure-fire fox repellant solutions, please help me.

In the words of Yentl: Papa Sandy, can you hear me?
Papa Sandy, can you see me?
Papa Sandy, can you find me in the night?
Papa Sandy, are you near me?
Papa Sandy, can you hear me?
Papa Sandy, can you help me not be frightened?
Looking at the skies I seem to see
A million eyes which ones are yours of vicious foxes, a million pounds of uncooked salmon ...




Melanie said...

I would normally apologize for laughing at your pain, but I know you understand.

Let me look. We eat a lot of salmon. I'll see what I can find.

Nise' said...

Trying not to laugh as I offer to help. My mom cooks a mean salmon, I'll ask her how she does it and get back to you! I should eat more of it, but am lazy and swallow my Omega 3 & 6's.

Southern Girl said...

Salmon is quite possibly my most favorite thing in the world to eat. I am, however, terrified of outdoor grills, so I'm afraid I can't help you there. I *can* recommend springing for one of those George Foreman grilling machines that sit on your countertop though. I got mine at a fantastic price, and I was just telling my mom tonight I think it may be the best thing I ever purchased.

Anyway, before the grill, I'd just bake my salmon for about 20 minutes. I'd rub it with olive oil and *might* sprinkle a little lemon juice on it, and then would sprinkle it with black pepper, garlic powder and paprika. Then just after taking it out of the oven, I'd sprinkle it with just a touch of grated parmesan cheese. Delicious! For the Foreman grill, I'd do pretty much the same thing.

Recently I got a bag of frozen teriyaki flavored salmon at Sam's, and it's *wonderful*. I don't do anything to those fillets other than dribble a little olive oil on them before I put them on the grill.

Hope that helps a little!

Southern Girl said...

Linda, I just found this --

Susanne said...

I'm sorry to laugh at your demise by a pound of salmon. But it's entirely your fault. If you didn't tell it in such a stinkingly funny way, I would immediately be overcome with sympathy. But now you have to wait while I wipe the tears from my eyes.

There good now. I'll go look up some recipes. As for the foxes, does your city have any suggestions? And I really do sympathize, honest. I know what's it's like to fall off a pair of wedgies. :v0

Roxanne said...

I do not wear wedge shoes EVER. . .I am LONGING for the day that the wedge goes into hiding for another couple of decades.

That be said.

Bwah, ha, ha, ha, ha. . .can ya hear me laughing all the way down on the Texas gulf coast? 'Cause I am.

I am terribly sorry about you sad salmon and your terrifying snobbish foxes, but oh that was a good, good story.

His Singer said...

Two words, my Fishy Fledgling...


God bless him and the grill he rode in on.

And remember, other than boiling, you can do almost anything with salmon that you can with shrimp.

In the words of Bubba, "They's

1. Barbecued Salmon
2. Boiled Salmon
3. Broiled Salmon
4. Sauteed Salmon
5. Salmon Kebabs
6. Salmon Gumbo
7. Salmon Creole
8. Pan-Fried Salmon
9. Deep-Fried Salmon
10. Stir-Fried Salmon
11. Pineapple Salmon
12. Lemon Salmon
13. Coconut Salmon
14. Pepper Salmon
15. Salmon Soup
16. Salmon Stew
17. Salmon Salad
18. Salmon and Potatoes
19. Salmon Burger
20. Salmon Sandwich
...and so on, and so on..."

Big Mama said...

I don't mean to laugh, well, actually, yes I do. I can't help it.

I am so sorry for your fox infestation and salmon problems. I'd offer a solution, but at our house we don't eat salmon and we'd shoot the foxes. Probably not what you're looking for.

Lynn Donovan said...


I am laughing so loud my daughter just called from her bedroom to have me be quite.

This is so funny and so very well written. What a delight. I can see it all playing out in my mind. You are a diamond and I am so glad to know you. Love and hugs, Lynn

George said...

Let the record show that there was at least 15 seconds between each of "husband's" questions. That 15 seconds delay is the true mark of a sensitive husband.

~~ Lily ~~ said...

Linda, as always, you have thrown me into major fits of giggles. I love your description of things... especially the part of where you felt like those monkeys in the zoo. That and the hubby questions had me rolling!

All that aside, hugs to you. I am not the most fabulous cook, either, and discovered that hubby thinks a good cook means that e-v-e-r-ything is made from scratch. Aha...not. ((((Linda))))

Barbara H. said...

I can just picture this event. :)

I've never made salmon except for my one time trying salmon patties, and I was grossed out by the canned stuff with bones in it. I'm not a griller, either -- my husband's the grill master. I have had salmon at a restaurant once and want to try it again, but I don't think I'm brave enough to try to make it.

I think you're brave to even try it -- especially with foxes around. Maybe since you're landlocked they won't be tempted by salmon -- they're not familiar with it. :) One can hope, anyway.

Hope you get some great recipes and the next attempt turns out marvelous!

Sandy said...

Oh, Linda .. my husband and I were laughing our heads off reading this. You are hilarious!
Thanks for the kind words, I feel honored indeed! But pleeeez don't compare me to Martha! I don't think she would use things from garage sales or the Dollar Store in her entertaining! ha.

Now ... for the reluctant entertainer who wants to cook salmon, check out my May 10th post called, "Fish on the Grill!" It's a tried and true recipe. Guaranteed to work for ya!

We were just in England and we couldn't believe all the foxes! In Oregon we have racoons and skunks. I'll take the foxes ...

Happy Day!
For Reluctant Entertainers

ellen b said...

I'm fish challenged. The only time I have salmon is at my best friends house. Her husband barbeques it on a deck one story up from the backyard so it's safe from foxes. Sorry I can't help but I enjoyed laughing with you...

Deena said...

I adore you!! Maybe the foxes can't be chased away because they see you as one of their own, you "foxy lady"!! OOh, that was bad, I know!!

Just give in and buy the fish oil capsules, or omega 3's far less messy, and really painless!!

Julie said...

I've had a whopper of a day, and this gave me quite a chuckle.

I'm not laughing AT you, I'm laughing WITH you.


Connie Barris said...

snort, hiccup.. giggle,oops, peed on myself.. you know who needs friends like me...

did I mention the fire dept had to come to our house the last time I grilled out... so I'm pretty darn proud of you.... Linda Lou...

seriously do you have an iron skillet you can use on the grill.. with blackened seasoning.. man.. you'll hurt yourself on that stuff...well, bad choice of words...really bad..

I just love ya girl

Susan said...

My DH is good at cooking salmon. I'll see if he can give me a few pointers.

As for the foxes, I would literally PASS OUT if I saw one in my yard!! I hope they're gone soon.

:-) Susan

Gretchen said...

We in Seattle have had a salmon portion or 2...though I prefer halibut. Or hali-butt, as my kids say. :) I can offer only my sympathy, as Southern Girl gave all the advice I would give. Good luck and God speed. And...try flats. Not as flashy and sassy, but easier on the feet and back.

Tammy said...

Oh are hysterical!

No salmon or fox advice...but you are simply hysterical! :D

(And I have recently discovered Sandy...she is wonderful!)

But are the queen of humor, girlfriend! :)

LoriAnne said...

I hestiated at first to comment on the "salmon" debacle since I don't do fish period...except for "salmon patties," which my husband will quickly tell you "isn't fish." But if I were you, I'd chuck the whole grill and salmon thing and just eat Lucky Charms and skim milk! It's much less stressful. :-)

Sandy said...

I agree with Tammy. I may be able to cook salmon, but Linda is tops when it comes to the humor!

For Reluctant Entertainers

kittyhox said...


Salmon is my favorite. But my husband is the griller around here. I just broil it in the oven. It's comes out pretty much the same.

My favorite way to make it is just to spread a bunch of grainy dijon mustard on the top and then pop it in the oven on low broil.

Loved your Yentl translation, by the way!


Linds said...

I laughed till I cried at this post! But maybe I can help a little.....I cook salmon often... It is a real favourite! One easy way is to put the pieces on tinfoil, sprinkle with a little lemon juice and herbs and wrap into parcels. Bake at 180 degrees c (350F) for about 10 mins. All fish cooks really fast, and it continues to cook once you take it out of the oven. To cook on a BBQ, just rub some olive oil onto the skin side and place on the grill and cook for a few minutes. I do a whole salmon side this way. Again, lemon juice and herbs on top.
There are loads of ways to jazz it up if you need any more ideas!

Myrna said...

I have no advice about salmon or foxes, but I certainly enjoyed reading your post.

I'm visiting by way of Tammy at Family Doin's. she assured us that we would enjoy your writing and find some humor here. She was right. I will return.

Heth said...

That is stinkin funny. Sorry, no salmon recipes here, we don't like it.

Morning Glory said...

I, too, am sorry to laugh at your misery.....but this was funny!!