Sunday, June 10, 2007

Epinephrine -- or -- Epidural?

OK, the nonexistent prize, if it existed, would go to Michelle at Life is Just Ducky. These are indeed the Epi-pens that have been prescribed for me should I have another allergy attack like the one I wrote about before, which I'm not going to link to because you wouldn't go there anyway.

Anywho ... so I go to the pharmacy to have this script filled, and the pharm brings out these big honkers. I thought an Epi pen would be about as thick as an ink pen and about four inches long. Wrong. The reason the Epi-dagger is made this monstrous is so that you can "slam it right through your jeans" according to Herb the pharmacist, which is an ironic name for a pharmacist, seeing as early drugs were mostly made of herbs. That would be like your local fireman being named Sparky. Sort of.

Which brings me to my next stream-of-consciousness thought that is absolutely not related to the real subject of this post but is related to ironic names. When I lived in Findlay, Ohio, there was an attorney there whose surname was ... I kid you not ... "Weasel."

So Herb proceeds to pull these babies out and show me how to lock and load them. He says not to spear myself in the front of the thigh because I could bend or break the needle or hit something I'm not supposed to. And he demonstrates how to start my "swing" toward my outer thigh waaay over my head so I can "get some good force behind it." Herb looks like he is enjoying this practice session a little too much.

Al the time, I'm thinking, "WHAT KIND OF A NEEDLE CAN GO THROUGH DENIM?"

So ... let me get this straight ... if I start to wheeze and lose consciousness, I can choose to
A) Black out and wake up in heaven OR
B) Drive a nail into my leg and wake up still 15 lbs. overweight, behind in my laundry, and living with three teenagers.

I'll need to give this some serious thought.

Most disconcerting, however, is the manufacturer's total indifference to style and color and of the Epi pen. And how in the world is a woman supposed to carry one of these with her every day, seeing as how purse sizes have shrunk over the years in inverse proportion to how backsides have grown over the years? It will definitely not fit well in a clutch; that's for sure.

Nevertheless, even though the pen looks like it should be for giving EPIDURALS instead of Epinephrine, this is my lot. I just hope that if and when I react again, Herb is nearby, because I think he would relish the opportunity to "assist" me.


Susanne said...

Here's hoping you never have to use that dagger, I mean, epi pen.

We have a dentist in town named Dr. Payne. Kid you not. And a surgeion by name of Dr. Kilam (pronounced, you guessed it, Kill-um), and a lawyer named Ronald McDonald. yup. Not shortened to Ron, but Ronald. MacDonald. I almost want to make an appointment just to see if he has red hair and big shoes.

Susanne said...

oops that word would be surgeon. Not whatever it is I typed before.

Michelle said...

Well I'm in stitches reading this. I agree, the Epi-Pens are huge. I have some for my girls, the kid ones and they are STILL huge! I'm jealous of your orange, ours are green. The needle size makes me uneasy. I've practiced with the fake Epi-Pen and it makes me weak just trying it. Here's to hoping neither of us have to use ours. What is it you're allergic to?

Michelle said...

I have failed to add that I'm so excited to have won my very first nonexistent prize! I couldn't be more happy. Thank you, thank you.

Anonymous said...

Linda here is an idea for you to have it with you always:

1. Drill small hole in orange lid
2. Insert chain or ribbon
3. hand around neck
4. You are now the new trend setter for all fashion conscience women.

Jen said...

My thoughts and prayers are with you
I hope you never have to use it

Susan said...

I agree, I hope you never have to use it. I think I'd have to have an Epidural first before I could stick myself with the pen!!

"Herb" cracked me up! My Aunt was married by a pastor named Reverend Miracle.

:-) Susan

George said...

We also had a funeral home in Findlay, Ohio named "Coldren/Crates". Findlay was a wondrous land.

Linda said...

That it was, wasn't it, Hubby? XOXO (Sorry; it's our anniversary week.)

Southern Girl said...

It looks like a great big magic marker! Here's hoping you never have to use it.

(You know, you have something in common with my pretend boyfriend...he has to carry one of those epi-pens with him all the time, too. ;) )

Merci said...

Well shoot, and here I thought it was a farm implement and suggested it was a cattle dewormer injector thingamabob. I think the idea behind the epi pen is that if you have to use it you'll be high on adreneline and naturally do the kung fu chop and stab and a smaller needle just wouldn't do the gesture justice. ::g:: grin Seriously, I do hope you never have to use it too, but am glad you have it just in case.

Gretchen said...

In the words of a previous president, "I feel your pain".

Lisa writes... said...

I can see your dilemma with choice A and choice B...

Seriously, I join the other ladies in hoping those epi-pens are money down the drain!

Roxanne said...

Okay. . .one of your funniest posts EVAH. . .and no, you are not boring, and I'm thinkin' if you are in NEED of the epi pen, you won't particularly care about the lack of style and size of needle--but anywhere short of antiphilactic shock, it's pretty scary lookin'.