Wednesday, October 03, 2007

Well, I Do Look Good in Blue

Remember the post "I Still Got It, Baby!" when I told you I received a random invitation to participate a creepy pageant at an Indianapolis mall? Yesterday I received a more noble invitation, one that does indeed affirm, "We think you still got it, baby." It's affirming because (I wasn't going to write about this, but I think the timing is hilarious) tomorrow I turn 45, and despite all indications of being REALLY middle aged, apparently, I still got it according to:

The United States Marine Corps.

Here is where you mentally insert a picture of me looking cocky because I have the right stuff to be One of the Few. The Proud. A Marine.

Of course, I'd have to train really hard.

Right.

Look at what the first few weeks would include:

Week One Through Four

Recruits arrive at boot camp. Gear is issued, and a battery of physical examinations is conducted to ensure safety. The Initial Strength Test (IST) is then administered, and recruits learn the Marine Corps values of honor, courage, and commitment. They also learn weapons handling from trained experts and complete the 11-obstacle Confidence Course. During this time recruits can receive letters but nothing else — so please don't send gifts or supplies. This is Recruit Training, so don't address letters with "Marine" or a rank, like "Private." This is a title they will earn after they successfully complete training.


OK.

Dear Recruiter:

Just dropping you a note to say hi and respond to your recent invitation to join "The Corps," regarding

Gear: This could be tricky, as I will not be able to tell you exactly what size in which to order my outfit until I try a few on. If there's one thing I refuse to do, it's buying (or being "issued" or whatever the term is) an outfit purely by tag size. If you insisted on this, oh yes, I would definitely have "issues." {smile!} Everyone knows that designers are messing with our minds regarding sizes. Anyway, I'll need to bring my new What Not to Wear trouser jeans because I can't part with them. Not only are they flattering and appropriate for almost any situation I might find myself in, but they have sentimental value. And since you are into "dress blues," you will appreciate their dark wash.

IST Test: This could be a deal-breaker for me. Instead of "Initial Strength Test," how about my simply donning a tag that reads "I Shirk Training," (as in the Indy Mini) which lets all higher-ups know I'm not so into training. This could save a lot of potential misunderstandings. Also, at 45, any jumping up and down could be embarrassing to both of us, so stationary biking is what I'd prefer if I must train. (In front of a TV, with water and lemon, a remote with fresh batteries, and a clean finger-tip towel to dab perspiration. I hope you don't have those old-school noisy bikes that drown out Dr. Phil.)

11-Obstacle Confidence Course: Got this one down. Completed this daily during the summer when two college kids' cars and two family vehicles plus bicycles had to be negotiated around in our driveway each time I left or returned home. Plus I can drive to work while applying makeup, changing radio stations, shifting gears, eating Hershey's kisses and writing in my head. That's already half of eleven, almost.

Not sending gifts or supplies: What exactly do you mean by gift and supplies? One man's gift and supplies could be another woman's necessities. Please clarify or better yet, re-write the rule encouraging the sending of gifts and supplies.

As far as titles go, I'm already acclimated to "Mom," "Ma'am," and "Laundry Fairy." I prefer, "Young Lady." I also answer to "Splenda." (Don't ask.){smile!}

In conclusion, if we can come to a meeting of hearts and minds over these minor points of contention, sign me up!

Semper Fidelis E Pluribus Unum Je Parle Francais,
Linda
PS: I heart the US of A.

9 comments:

Ann said...

I am just cracking up here at your response to The Corps!! You are SUCH a good writer!! My favorite part was the paragraph on the 11-Obstacle Confidence Course :)

I wonder what would happen if you sent this response to them? I bet they'd get a good chuckle out of it!!! If you do send it, be sure to let us know the outcome!

Great post!

Susanne said...

I'm sure they'll nab you up immediately. I mean none of those conditions are undoable, right?

You are too funny!

Heth said...

Oh wow. The Marines? You should think about it. That could be some good times.

Again, you are cracking me up every day.

Robin said...

Hello to a fellow Yorkie lover! Thanks for visiting my blog - I look forward to getting to know you better.
And HAPPY BIRTHDAY!

samurai said...

Pretty good... although, I must say - you'd probably look good in a Marine uniform... everyone does.

Debbie said...

Hillarious!!!! Don't join without me.

Mommy, the Human Napkin said...

They'd have lost me at the "battery of physical examinations." I've been through more than my fair share of those in the last two months, so my answer would have been "Um, no thanks."

(I'm glad to be done with all that, though. I hated having blood drawn every week.)

Lynn Donovan said...

You are too cute and girl, happy birthday.

Wonder what God has in store for you in the next year. I am sure it will be something fun and filled with Godly purpose. Keep me posted.

Melanie said...

This is a riot. I wonder where these folks are getting you for their mailing lists. Ahh, it is a mystery.