Monday, April 21, 2008

9th Grade Exams of a Different Sort

Every day I pick up my 15 year-old, who you see here in deep concentration studying like there's no tomorrow, from school. Today our conversation went like this:

"Mom. Guess what we had to do in health?"

Me: "IDK. What?"

"We had to learn about breast and testicular exams. We had to go in separate rooms. The girls watched a video with actual breast exams in it. It was SO gross. I thought I was going to be sick."

Me: "Why? What was so gross?"

"They looked so weird. Oh Mom, they were so disgusting. I mean, why couldn't they at least get normal, average ones to show this with?"

Me, to myself: "Linda. Here is a teachable moment. Commence the mom-speech."

So I said aloud: "Ah, but I'm guessing they were normal breasts. Were they droopy and lopsided and wrinkly and such?"

"Yes! OH, disgusting!!!"

Me: "See, you're just used to TV and movie breasts. Real ones don't look like that for longer than 15 minutes in actual life. What you saw today is what real female breasts look like. Always remember that old song: 'All God's chillun [and their breasts] got a place in the choir. Some sing lower; some sing higher.'" (Some swing lower, too.)

Result: Three minutes of silence offered up in mourning and dismay for all the ugly breasts in the world, and one minute of deep, disturbed confusion over that bizarre "God's Chillun" song.

Her: "Still, I felt like Monk when he went into the art gallery and couldn't look at the nude models. He kept his hand over his eyes, and Natalie said to him, 'Mr. Monk, the human body is a beautiful thing,' and Monk said, 'You see, that's where our opinions differ.' I couldn't look. I could not even look!"

Sigh. Oh to be 15 again, when you're just sure the world will always be young and beautiful. When you go to see Leatherheads, and your mom asks you if George Clooney is cute, and you say, "Mom--he's an old man." And you have to have your dog beside you when you do your homework or you can't "concentrate."


Amy Wyatt said...

Wooh... for a minute there today, I thought I was going to have to stop commenting on and visiting your blog lest you think I am a stalker. Or too friendly... of course when we meet in person at She Speaks I just know we will become real life friends... after all you are my constant.

I'm so glad you made it clear that it's OK for me to keep commenting. Although now I realize some bloggy mistakes I've made in my posts and am out to correct the error of my ways :)

Since you are discussing breast today on your blog, let me direct you to my friend Carol's post today on That's What Friends Are For at Sheep to the Right.

I think you will get a kick out of it.
Hope you are having a great week.

PJ said...

George Clooney is an old man??? No, please!! sigh! Love the way she studies.

I haven't been around for a few days--just because I was out in the desert (Los Cruces, N.MEX)...I'm addicted to your blog....and I love no problems here!! I'm an original member of your fan club--breasts and testicles notwithstanding!

Susan said...

OK, I guess I missed the "comment" comment...but I'm glad you want us around.

The breast exam story cracked me up. I'm sure the whole thing was lost on a bunch of 9th graders.



Ann said...

Ah, that previous post is gone, and I'm glad because I wanted you to delete my comment on it. I wish I hadn't said it! I just felt all embarrassed since I might have overstepped boundaries with that comment I made awhile back about saying hello to you at your church if it works out for me to go back to Iowa this summer.

Plus, I tend to get carried away on my comments. I recently learned there's a term for that, it's called "hijacking" someone's blog. It's just that other people have so much more interesting things they blog about. I can never think of anything. Then when I read other blogs, it just sparks all these thoughts and ideas and I make big long comments. Sometimes I wonder if I'm being a bad "listener" when I make someone else's blog all about me. But I do like it when people make reflective comments on my blog.

And now I'm laughing like I always do from your blog~I love the way you explained normal breasts to your daughter!!! But you know what's really cool? Your daughter wasn't embarrassed to talk to you about it! There is NO WAY I would have started a conversation like that with my mom. I'm just sitting here all impressed that I typed the word "breasts!" (I didn't say it out loud though! haha!) I know, God created 'em, I shouldn't be ashamed. Okay, now I'm really rambling.
It's great to hear from you, Linda!

Roxanne said...

Did I miss something? Maybe it's all of my swelling or something. . .

Did I miss something?

Yes--I'm sure your precious girly cannot imagine a world without firm, perky breasts. . .but someday she will provide you with grandchildren, and then she will know the truth. They are but baby feeders--and the elastic in 'em don't last ferever.

Darlene R. said...

I just heart you so much, Linda! I am apparently dense or lost or something because didn't you have another post on here today? I KNOW I read one this morning that had something to do with Boomama and Bigmama but I couldn't get to the comments. I tried, I really tried!
I will never stop commenting on here. You are one of my fav-o-rite bloggers...ever!
Now I must type in my word verification word which I won't type on here, but it kind of made me giggle!

Mocha with Linda said...

Well, you can really traumatize her and show her about my post on my smashogram from Friday!! Oh the crash of reality setting in!

And yes, ma'am. I better not miss any more days commenting. Retreats and powerpoints or not. You might take a switch to my blog's backside.

Queen B said...

The thing is...I would've kept commenting anyway.

Thank you for the Monk reflection. Is that not the best show ever?

I refuse to think one more minute about the sagging.

Kelly @ Love Well said...

But did you tell her about breastfeeding breasts? Because they make up for everything, temporarily.

Anonymous said...

First of all, our girls usually set up our little doggie beside them at the kitchen table doing their schoolwork. It has been proven to make the brain more efficient at remembering lists of prepositions and multiplication tables!

Secondly,after sneaking a peek at the way my grandma put on her bra, I guess I knew at a very early age the direction women's breasts were heading (south) but I guess I didn't know when they'd leave on that trip (sooner than I had anticipated!) "More than 15 minutes"!! Movie breasts!! All God's Chillun!! You are hilarious!!

Beverly Lewis said...

I always enjoy reading even when I don't comment. I usually get a smile, chuckle, laugh out loud or the comfort of a visit with a friend. (Often all of the above.)

My bloggy friends have been on breast education this past week with Antique Mommy's advice on Land's Ends Suits and keeping "the girls" in place and then Big Mama's advice about a chickie to keep "the girls" concealed. Those 15 year old girls have all this wisdom yet to behold.

Melanie said...

I'm lost on the first part, does that make me a stalker? YOU KNOW I KID!

Love the last part and thanks for the knew song to torment my own kid with. You are always so helpful here on the blog.

Susanne said...

I get the same "ewwww" face with a shudder when it comes to even mentioning "that" part of health class. I must admit though I've never tried the "All God's chillun" talk. LOL. You are too funny.

Stop commenting? Nevah!

Megan@SortaCrunchy said...

Oh yes - early breastfeeding breasts are a wonder to behold. After the first few months though and after that babe is weaned? *sigh* If she saw mine, she'd smooth pass out on the floor.

I LOVED the all God's chilluns. I feel uplifted. ahem.

Cindy-Still His Girl said...

LOVE it! (See- I'm commenting.) :)

Chris said...

I'm a mammography technologist (yes, I know everyone hates my profession, but the darn test does save lives!) and when I tell men what I do, their eyes light up. I try to explain to them that it's not all Playboy bunnies running around in silk teddies...they don't get it.

I love to chat with the ladies while we do the mammogram, to take their minds off of it. I love to ask them about the cool jewelry that some are wearing. As I put it,"Breasts are kind of boring, but jewelry is always interesting!" Usually earns a smile and a bit less stress!

Lisa writes... said...

Priceless post!

samurai said...

LOL - I don't even want to think about having that conversation with my sons... 8-\

Tanja said...

Too funny. A friend of mine, who is very soft spoken and comes off as quite shy, told me recently about a visit to her "female" doctor, who actually is female. The doctor asked if my friend had noticed any differences in size between her two breasts. And my friend said, "Oh, I'm not sure which is 'Teensy' and which is 'Weensy'." I rolled!

Debbie said...

Perkys are long gone but that just means we're older and wiser and we know that George Clooney is definitely cute!

SJ said...

I'm completely cracking up! Oh the things we wished we'd known (or was it better that we didnt?).

Sigh. So this is what I have to look forward to, huh?

I've been scarce lately...keeping an eye on a certain 5 year old. Ahem! Ok...gotta go catch up on the posts I've missed!

Heth said...

I am so far behind on blog reading and it has been great to catch back up. This post is now my new favorite Linda post. (I'm sure I will have a new favorite Linda post by the end of the week, you are funny every day)

"Real ones don't look like that for longer than 15 minutes in actual life."

Oh my gosh, I almost fell off my chair when I read that. I'm still dying laughing. Way to grab a hold of the teachable moment. *still chuckling*