Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Next Installment of the SAHM Diaries

So, I went to the laundromat.

Easy there. Your pulse just qualified for the summer Olympics.

Honestly, I don't know how you three subscribers stand the excitement here every day.

Anyway, I hadn't been to a laundromat in years, so I kind of had to push and pull myself out of my comfort zone for this next big adventure.

I chose one cleverly named, "The Laundry Basket," which is cute but way less hip than "The Smelly Hamper." When I Googled it, an actual customer review stated, "It has a lot of magazines," which is really important to know when one is selecting a laundromat. They should also include what foods are in the vending machines and what toys are in the robot arm game.

The reason I went was that our huge, ornate, oppressive, overlord winter comforter, "King James," needed to be laundered and put to rest for the summer. (He'll probably have more adventures during his time off than I am on mine. In fact, I may let him write the next post. If you read one starting off, "Yea, and it came to pass that I got putteth in this big plastic tubbeth for the summer," you'll know it's King James the Comforter speaking, and he'll probably be way more entertaining than I am, and suddenly I'll have 6 subscribers.)

When I pulled up to the 'mat, I noticed this sign:

Only in Muncie, people.

I entered, and everyone stared at me. Old Lady with the lavender hair put down her styrofoam cup, Kenny Big Kid stopped rolling around Little Sister Susie in the wire laundry cart thingie, America's Most Wanted Man stopped folding lingerie, Worn Out Mom of 4 Boys snapped back to consciousness and Floozie the floozie put down her Star Magazine.

I had infiltrated the 'mat. "The Others'" territory.

Except for the swishing of washers and tumbling of dryers, you could have heard a pin drop. Or me dropping $5 worth of quarters all over the tile floor. Because I like to draw attention to myself in places I'm not welcome. I also like to touch filthy floors of laundromats and dirty coins from change machines that fall on the filthy laundromat floors.

I picked it all up and made two more trips to the car to bring in the supplies. From then on, when I moved about the place, no one stopped doing their thing; they just side-looked me. You know the look I'm talkin' 'bout, Willis.

I just had to block out all of the "Night Court" characters and figure out the jumbo-tron washer. I think it cost $43 to clean King James. I sat directly across from the washer and watched it agitate for a while just to make sure I pushed all the right buttons because I had only read it 10 or 12 times before I actually put the money in and pushed a button. It was like I was reading a Russian novel instead of washing instructions, but I couldn't help it; it was so different from home.

This was a dumb move because America's Most Wanted Man apparently likes girls who read.


When I spent another $43 to dry King James, I wadded him up and took him to the car. On my way out, I noticed another neon sign inside the laundromat that said, and I'm not making this up: "As seen on 'Armed and Famous.'" This was a reference to a short-lived reality show taped here in Muncie where 5 celebrities, including mega-star La Toya Jackson, were trained and sworn in as reserve police officers for our city. During that time, they also went to this laundromat, thus, the sign.

But this does give me a chance to direct you to one of my all-time favorite posts about La Toya and her Muncie cat phobia healing.

By the way, since then, Erik Estrada has been back in Muncie IN UNIFORM riding around in cars smiling and waving at people, including me.

And now your pulse is about to explode your veins, so I'm stopping here because I know your limitations for thrills, and you've maxed out.

You're welcome.


Lorri said...

Oh my, I'm laughing so hard my sides are going to split. I LOVE Ponch! Is he riding a motorcycle when he's waving and such? Is John riding next to him? Gosh I miss those guys. Thanks for the great post. Hope King James got washed good and I can't wait to read his post!

Chel said...

Ha! I can't believe you referenced that King James comforter post! That was the post that I read on "accident" forever ago and was hooked on blogs ever since!

I had no IDEA what a blog was but stumbled on that one. It was like 1 am and I had Niagra Falls flowing down my face reading that! I think I'll go find it in your archives and read it again for ol' times sake. :-)

Thanks for the smile.

Chatty Kelly said...

I heart Erik Estrada!! Okay, not anymore, but when I was in like 7th or 8th grade - he was so cute!

Laudromats are indeed scary places. Glad you survived it.

Sue J said...

I think everyone needs to visit a laundromat somewhere. It's like a piece of Americana. (Or Canadiana, as my husband and I had to do laundry in one of the northern provinces once. Fun time finding change for those machines! I still have the label, in French, for the laundry soap somewhere.)

There's something about using those huge machines that makes me giddy. Ah... But, it does help to bring your own "distractions," unless you're blogging :-)

Susan said...

Oh my gosh, Linda! I haven't been to a laundromat in YEARS...but now I know why. It's cause I don't live in Muncie! Maybe I'll have to bring MY King George up there to wash it someday.



Susanne said...

You've got me snorting and laughing so hard my husband is giving me weird looks, sorta like Gary Coleman there. I'm sure he's wondering if he should get the straight jacket ready.

You are a brave girl stepping into that laundromat. I really, really want to say something about the nuclear weapon sign, but I'm sorta speechless regarding that and why on earth they would even have a sign like that. In neon lights, no less. I guess they're pretty serious about that rule.

I can hardly wait for King James post and his insights into the nuclear banning laundromat!

Heth said...

Dear Linda,

Only you could make a post about a trip to the laundromat so hilarious.



sara said...

that is so funny!!! Go here: for my laundromat experience!!

PJ said...

ROTFL the entire time!!! AND i went back and read "Armed and famous" I'm trying to pull myself together enough to go for my favorite summertime treat - breakfast out. I'm not sure the tears will stop flowing and I may choke on my pancakes if I can't stop laughing.

Ya know. Currency exchanges are tons of fun too!!

Laurie Ann said...

Eric Estrada? Oh, be still my heart! Well, not now but back in the day. Loved reading about your adventure. Cracked me right up.

Anonymous said...

Oh man, I have to go to the laundromat too soon with comforters. You description is pretty accurate. The one we go to is Duds and Suds. ugh.

Marina said...

Love your adventure to the Laundromat they are ugly places it reminds me of college and when one is first married how you don't have your washer and dyer yet so you have to hit the laundromats until you can,
next time safe yourself a tirp and money and take it to the cleaners they will clean them for half the money at least over hear they do :)
what will your next post be as a sham ?? I think you miss work ,
love your post marina .:)

Jen said...

Can't Speak Laughing Too Hard

MelanieNewYork said...

So many images! Night Court, Arnold, America's MOst Wanted folding lingerie. YOU ARE TOO MUCH!

samurai said...

I'm off to go take a nap in order to restore my heart rate back to normal. :)

It's been a while since I was last at a laundromat as well... thanks for sharing. :)

Anonymous said...

That cracks me up! I am going to have to visit our local laundrymat the next time I get bored and see what kind of trouble I can stir up. Sidenote: The show "Armed and Famous" could never have been as bad as the John Candy movie "Armed and Dangerous" there was a classic!

Carrie said...

Too, TOO funny!!! Sorry you had to go there. It's a whole different kind of place.
And...why is your comforter named King James?

Denise said...

Who knew that Muncie was filled with so much adventure!

Merrie said...

Your life is never boring! I'm sure your kids wish it were, but they will greatly appreciate it when they grow old(er)! Love it... did you think about it might be easier and cheaper - but not near as much fun - to buy another King James?... course then you'd have to rename him.

Anonymous said...

Hey, my husband is from northern Indianna and I have been through your territory many times.

I don't know if I could walk into a place that had a sign saying, "No nuclear weapons." What must that cliental be like?

Thanks for visiting my blog!

Erin said...

You are crazy hilarious!! You know, I've never been to a laundromat because I have a phobia of being in places where I'm an "outsider" that everyone will stop what there doing and stare at. To this day I can hardly walk into our local restaurant because I'm not a "regular" and I feel like I've intruded when I go there. And I know everyone who goes there :)

Fran said...

Holy cow!!

Sandy@ Jesus and Dark Chocolate said...

I am thinking you need to start an Erik Estrada fan club and hold the meetings at the "mat!
Too funny!

Lynn said...


As one of your subscribers.... Hil-AR-I-OUS!!!!!

That sign is completely crazy. What a blast it would be to go to the laundry mat, of all places, with you. Hugs!!

Stacy said...

Too, too funny!! You went to the laundromat and lived to tell about it. I'm impressed!

Lelia Chealey said...

Too funny! I was about to comment the other night when a huge(like the size of a nickel) black spider started walking across my desk by my keyboard. I tried to smash it but I had the baby on my lap. I thought it went in my keyboard so I quickly shut my computer down since something the size of a nickel is so much bigger than me! :)
Thought this post was so funny!

Mocha with Linda said...

I missed all this for a mere mission trip?!

You completely crack me up.