So, I went to the laundromat.
Easy there. Your pulse just qualified for the summer Olympics.
Honestly, I don't know how you three subscribers stand the excitement here every day.
Anyway, I hadn't been to a laundromat in years, so I kind of had to push and pull myself out of my comfort zone for this next big adventure.
I chose one cleverly named, "The Laundry Basket," which is cute but way less hip than "The Smelly Hamper." When I Googled it, an actual customer review stated, "It has a lot of magazines," which is really important to know when one is selecting a laundromat. They should also include what foods are in the vending machines and what toys are in the robot arm game.
The reason I went was that our huge, ornate, oppressive, overlord winter comforter, "King James," needed to be laundered and put to rest for the summer. (He'll probably have more adventures during his time off than I am on mine. In fact, I may let him write the next post. If you read one starting off, "Yea, and it came to pass that I got putteth in this big plastic tubbeth for the summer," you'll know it's King James the Comforter speaking, and he'll probably be way more entertaining than I am, and suddenly I'll have 6 subscribers.)
When I pulled up to the 'mat, I noticed this sign:
Only in Muncie, people.
I entered, and everyone stared at me. Old Lady with the lavender hair put down her styrofoam cup, Kenny Big Kid stopped rolling around Little Sister Susie in the wire laundry cart thingie, America's Most Wanted Man stopped folding lingerie, Worn Out Mom of 4 Boys snapped back to consciousness and Floozie the floozie put down her Star Magazine.
I had infiltrated the 'mat. "The Others'" territory.
Except for the swishing of washers and tumbling of dryers, you could have heard a pin drop. Or me dropping $5 worth of quarters all over the tile floor. Because I like to draw attention to myself in places I'm not welcome. I also like to touch filthy floors of laundromats and dirty coins from change machines that fall on the filthy laundromat floors.
I picked it all up and made two more trips to the car to bring in the supplies. From then on, when I moved about the place, no one stopped doing their thing; they just side-looked me. You know the look I'm talkin' 'bout, Willis.
I just had to block out all of the "Night Court" characters and figure out the jumbo-tron washer. I think it cost $43 to clean King James. I sat directly across from the washer and watched it agitate for a while just to make sure I pushed all the right buttons because I had only read it 10 or 12 times before I actually put the money in and pushed a button. It was like I was reading a Russian novel instead of washing instructions, but I couldn't help it; it was so different from home.
This was a dumb move because America's Most Wanted Man apparently likes girls who read.
When I spent another $43 to dry King James, I wadded him up and took him to the car. On my way out, I noticed another neon sign inside the laundromat that said, and I'm not making this up: "As seen on 'Armed and Famous.'" This was a reference to a short-lived reality show taped here in Muncie where 5 celebrities, including mega-star La Toya Jackson, were trained and sworn in as reserve police officers for our city. During that time, they also went to this laundromat, thus, the sign.
But this does give me a chance to direct you to one of my all-time favorite posts about La Toya and her Muncie cat phobia healing.
By the way, since then, Erik Estrada has been back in Muncie IN UNIFORM riding around in cars smiling and waving at people, including me.
And now your pulse is about to explode your veins, so I'm stopping here because I know your limitations for thrills, and you've maxed out.