Recently, I ordered a pizza from … “Papa Don’s.”
This is how it went down:
Pizza Dude: “Hello. Papa Don’s. [Garbledy garbledy gook-gook].”
Me: Not knowing what the teenager on the other end of the line just said but guessing it was something like, “May I help you,” I asked, “What are your specials today?”
Pizza Dude: “Hold on.”
Me: Blink, blink. “OK.” But I was already on hold before I actually uttered, “OK,” of course, so he didn’t really know if I wanted to hold or not; he just “holded” me before the second blink. I know this kid had on baggy jeans like this; I just know it.
And then I was sucked into the vortex of the “Very Enthusiastic Papa Don’s Recorded Announcer Man” loop ...
Background music: KC and the Sunshine Band, “That’s the way, uh-huh, uh-huh, I like it, uh-huh, uh-huh.”
Me: Eye roll
Announcer emerges loudly over “uh-huh, uh-huh:" “Right now! You can take advantage of our Adventure Trio! THREE medium pizzas! With THREE toppings! For just $21!” ~ Followed by crescendo of KC and the Band to commemorate that life-changing announcement.
Me: Wondering why three three-topping medium pizzas is “adventurous.” Even I, the biggest baby of all time, can stand a little more adventure than just three medium pizzas for a non-spectacular price. “Perhaps,” I thought, “The toppings are mystery toppings that the customer does not get to choose. Maybe the kid on the other end of the line gets to choose my toppings. Now that might be an adventure.”
Announcer: “Be sure to pick up your ‘The Mummy Returns’ gift card, which can be re-filled at your next stop at Papa Don's!”
Me: “Huh? I just want pizzas. No mummies. No mummified toppings. Why are you telling me about ‘The Mummy Returns?’”
Recording: Music. “Johnny B. Goode.”
Me: “This is ridiculous.”
Announcer: “Feeling adventurous? Why not try our Adventure Trio: THREE medium pizzas with THREE medium toppings at only $7 each!”
Me: “When is the dude ever gonna take my call?”
Announcer: “HEEEEY! Don’t forget you can always order Papa Don’s on line!”
Me: “HEEEEEY! Don’t forget you’re not the only pizza place in town! Take my order!”
Announcer: “Right now, with a special order from Papa Don’s, you can get $5 off tickets for ‘The Mummy Returns!’”
Me: “I hate mummies! I hate KC & the Sunshine Band! I hate Enthusiastic Recorded Announcer Men! Take my ord-- ….”
Pizza Dude: “OK, Lady, geez. Our special is a large pizza for $5.99.”
Me: “OK, sorry. I’ll take two. I’m feeling adventurous.”