Thursday, September 25, 2008

What it Really Means Is ...


At the time of this posting, there are 39 days until the Presidential election. That means 39 more days of political jargon being flung at us by pundits with agendas all 24 hours of those 39 days, no matter how much the talking heads doth protest too much that they are bipartisan. Commentators and anchors are way more transparent than ghosts are. And scarier, too.

Listening to some banter the other day, I began to wonder what political buzz words and plain ol' jargon would mean if they were interpreted in the context of American momhood. You know, through the "soccer mom" lens. (No, not specifically Sarah Palin's lenses, but didn't that accidental cliche work well here??)

So here’s a list of political phrases [PD = political definition] followed by a translation into mom intpretations [MD = Mom definition].

Barracuda
PD:
Nickname of McCain’s running mate when she played high school basketball.
MD: Nickname of toddler who is feasting on the flesh of his church nursery mates.

Cone of silence
PD:
Denotes that a candidate has been secluded to make sure he/she doesn’t have extra time to process questions that her opponent will have to answer off the cuff.
MD: Area within six feet of teenager at dinner table.

Boondoggle
PD: An unnecessary or wasteful project, sometimes done merely for appearances. Often refers to a government-funded project with no purpose other than political patronage.
MD: An unnecessary or wasteful project, sometimes done merely for appearances, such as preparing brussels sprouts for dinner or sending homemade cookies to a school party instead of Little Debbie plastic brownies.

Strategic Ambiguity
PD:
One side being deliberately vague on a policy so as to preserve their options. Also known as having it both ways.
MD: When Dad remains deliberately vague on a decision so as to avoid being the “bad cop” parent. Also known as self-preservation.

Turn Coat
PD:
Someone who supports both sides in a conflict in order to find out information.
MD: Highly intelligent mom of teenagers who supports both sides of siblings in conflict in order to find out information.

Greenwashing
PD:
An attempt by corporations to disguise their policies as environmentally friendly.
MD: Laundering knees of blue jeans and sweatshirt elbows after backyard football/soccer.

Reality Based Community
PD:
The liberal counterpart to the "Faith Based Community.”
MD: The real-life counterpart to “Family Sitcoms.”

Trickle Down Economics
PD:
Often used in a derogatory manner, the usual meaning is a misunderstanding of supply side economics, it is usually used to sarcastically refer to the concept that the rich will shower down riches on the poor if only they could get tax cuts.
MD: Allowance.

Polls
PD:
Asking people for their opinions on various matters, especially political leanings. Usually has a + or - 3% margin of error.
MD: Moms asking for kids’ input on various matters, especially the consequences of behavior infractions. Children should be advised that there is a + or – 3% chance of their receiving their preference.

Red State:
PD:
States voting Republican.
MD: State of Mom’s complexion when preschool son runs his hand up the mannequin’s leg in Macy’s.

Blue State
PD:
States voting Democratic
MD: The emotional state after giving birth, also known as post-partum depression.

Previous Administration:
PD:
Referring to the previous administration [duh] which often carries the brunt of blame for current problems.
MD: Referring to the previous administration [grandparents], who often carry the brunt of blame for current parents’ poor parenting skills.

Gerrymandering
PD
: Redefining boundary lines for voting purposes.
MD: Redefining sleeping arrangements/bedroom boundaries nightly according to each kid’s claim of being afraid, thirsty, wet or lonely.

Veto
PD:
An emphatic prohibition of any sort, esp. the right of a President, governor, or other chief executive to reject bills passed by the legislature.
MD: “Read my lips: No, you will not now nor will you EVER drive to Daytona for spring break with your soccer team and the cheerleaders. Vee-toe."


Filibustering:
PD:
An exceptionally long speech, lasting for a day or days, or a series of such speeches to prevent the adoption of a measure generally against the will of the majority.
MD: A tactic used by teenagers to wear and tear down a parent who will not let the teenager attend an event that apparently "everybody else’s mom" is allowing their kids to attend.

GOP
PD:
“Grand Old Party”
MD: Also “Grand Old Party” thrown when child finally goes on the “Grand Old Potty.”

GNP
PD:
Gross National Product. GNP/capita is a measure of national income per person.
MD: Gross Nasal Product. GNP/capita is a measure of discharge that any one child produces in a 36-day marathon head cold.

Kool-Aid drinkers
PD: People so committed to a political cause or candidate that they senselessly ignore facts in conflict with their political viewpoint.
MD: Bottle-fed babies of Redneck moms.

Arms Control
PD:
Limitation on the size and armament of the armed forces of a country
MD: Strategically placing younger siblings on the sofa between a teenager and his/her date.

Do you have any you'd like to add?


Glitterfy.com - Glitter Graphics

33 comments:

Linds said...

I am howling with laughter - the Arms Control one finished me off. Brilliant!

Dena @ Green Acres said...

I love your mom definitions. They are right on!

Oh and as far as this comment you made: Commentators and anchors are way more transparent than ghosts are. And scarier, too.

All I can say is, Amen!

Isunji said...

That was brilliant! A refreshing break from this excruciating campaign season... Thanks to you I'm a little less tired of it.

Thanks for sharing and have an awesome day!

Smelling Coffee said...

This is so clever! A good laugh to start my day. :-)

Chel's Leaving a Legacy said...

Okay, this needs to be published and distributed everywhere! ...or nationally syndicated on a series of bloghosts and radio stations!

Oh my word!! Hilarious. This is why I fell in love with reading you!

YOU'RE MY HERO! (little "h") Jesus is my Hero. But you're my hero!!!!

Smilingsal said...

lol

I'll have you know that I actually have made an entire meal out of only brussels sprouts for dinner.

Lisa Laree said...

Oh, that's so funny! Thanks for a laugh!

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

Love the GOP and Koolaid drinkers MD version! HA!

You are one clever lady, lidna ;)

Susanne said...

LOL. I'm loving the arms control. Will have to remember that one and use as needed.

Edwina at The Picket Fence said...

Love this, it was just too funny. The only thing I can think to add is:
Presidential Debate -
PD: When two Presidential candidates meet to discuss and debate their views and opinions on political issues.
MD: When two or more family members meet at the Breakfast table to give their views and opionions on the days issues at hand(like did you brush your teeth? and did you take the dog out? or did you just hit him/her?)

Life In Progress said...

Oh, I loved this. You are too clever!

skoots1mom said...

i was the arms control in my family, since i'm the baby of the family...you crack me up!
Mom used me more than just on the couch...I got to go on several dates, too!

Heth said...

This is one of your best posts ever.

(Don't I say that every time I comment? I promise I'm not kissing up.)

Laurie Ann said...

Your mom definitions rock! Great post, Lidna!

Wendi @ Every Day Miracles said...

Hil.a.ri.ous! :) Albeit quite true. How come you get to be so witty? It takes me weeks to think up such things... :)

Heart of Wisdom said...

Love your blog. This is so funny. I am coping it.


lol

Thanks for sharing


Robin@heartofwisdom.com
http://heartofwisdom.com/blog/

Melanie @ This Ain't New York said...

Kool-Aid drinkers? Pure genius. I think Erma Bombeck just channeled through Jeff Foxworthy.

Checks and Balances
PD- The assurance of balance of power among the three branches of government.
MD- The reason we do not own a plasma TV.

Rachel said...

Hilarious!

My ADHD Me said...

You are hilarious! "Filibustering", my 17 year old is a master at that!

Debbie said...

This is fun and the best political post I've seen!

Earmark:
PD- funds set aside or designated for a specific project or plan.
MD- the mark left from grabbing 6 foot tall son's ear when he argues with the plan.

Pork Barrel Spending:
PD- the funding of projects that primarily benefit a particular constituent or campaign contributor.
MD- The barrel of funds spent on pork to feed aforementioned 6 foot tall son.

Linda Vujnov said...

Very, very, clever!

Becky said...

You made these up yourself? Wow! You should be famous or something. Why haven't you been on the tonight show yet?

PopArtDiva said...

I had to laugh at Trickle Down Economics - don't we all take that personally?

I just posted about 13 Things I liked about school - I should have added "allowance", lol!

PopArtDiva

Roxanne said...

Oh, man, it is barely EVER that I read a blog post to my husband, but this is a must

Roxanne said...

HILL-AIR-EE-US.

You slay me. Had to read it to my husband. . .havne't done that since Boomama's trip to the fish camp.

Phyllis@Aimless Conversation said...

Oh Linda~

This post is positively inspired! Hilarious! Brilliant! Witty!

Thanks for the laughs...

Gayle @ thewestiecrew said...

Hee-hee!!

I wanted to pop over here quickly to let you know that I posted the craziest video "plug" for I See What You're Saying carnival.

I feel like a total dork now, but oh well...LOL!! I LOVE your idea!

Chel - An Abiding Branch said...

You are one funny lady (ok, I totally just heard Jerry yelling that! hey LAAAADEEEEEEE!)

Ok, back on track
Deficit
PD: The term used for the debt of our nation
MD: I need more allowance!!!
lol
Chel

Mommy, the Human Napkin said...

This is my favorite political post EVER! It made me do the snorty laugh. More than once.

Teri~Facedown said...

Lid...I am in my Criminal Law class right now listening to a lecture. (My professor is blind...literally.) Which is why I am able to read blogs while taking notes. I was doing well with your post until the Kool-Aid Drinker...I literally laughed out loud. I am sure my prof is wondering what is so funny about illegal search and seizure???

Ballerina Girl said...

boy, don't read your blog for a few days and now I am howling with laughter. Great post!
Thanks
BG

kongobe said...

so. good.

^_^

PJ said...

My favorite: The Boondoogling MD definition -- broccoli and brownies, indeed!!!