Thursday, December 18, 2008

So He's Calling Me "Patches"

I could sum up my day like this: I went to the allergist to have patch testing done to see if the reason my eyelids blow up like puffer fish is contact dermatitis due to chemical sensitivity. The doctor put tiny amounts of chemicals on little silvery discs and taped them to my back, writing the numbers 1-24 beside each disc on my skin. This is not my back in the pic, but one half of my back or so looked like this.

I could sum up my day like that, but then you'd miss a lot of the pertinent info about why I'm a tad bit grumpy tonight.

I have to back up to tell you that when I first went to Kazakhstan in 1998, cultural sensitivity required American females to wear long skirts and sleeves at all times, even while playing volleyball in 100 degree heat. (It was an English camp for grade school children.) We also did not have showers. We "sponged" off. When I returned home, I had a spot on my back about 5" x 7" of dirt. Yes, it gags me even now to think about it, so it's only fair that I should make you suffer, too.

Therefore, "Kazakh back" is a big, nasty deal to me.

So this morning, as I showered, the memory "Kazakh back" came flooding over me, and I knew I had to make sure I was completely spot-free. So I used a brush and other utensils and thoroughly cleansed my back.

Except I didn't believe it.

So when I toweled off, I grabbed a hand mirror and checked myself out. I wasn't sure, but I could have detected some dirt. So I grabbed the brush and soap with one hand, the hand mirror in the other, and laid into my back again, even though I was probably clean to begin with. It was a case of OCD meets fear of being gross, a powerful combo.

Balancing all of these tools proved to be too much for my dexterity, so I dropped the mirror which, of course, shattered into pieces.

Since I had already spent so much time cleaning and polishing my back, I was running late for work and had to leave the glass on the floor while I finished getting ready, wearing thick house slippers to avoid cutting myself.

After work, I immediately changed into a white cotton sleeveless shirt with the intention of putting a sweater over it because it's frigid here.

I began cleaning up the glass on the bathroom floor, including rolling up the two rubber-backed cranberry throw rugs and shaking them outside. After I shook them, I pulled on the door to come back inside, but it didn't budge.

Remember in "A Christmas Story" when Flick gets his tongue stuck on the pole and repeats, "Stuck. Stuck-stuck-stuck STUCK!?"

Well, "Locked. Locked-Locked-Locked LOCKED!"

I pulled on the door over and over while Zoe went out of her mind trying to protect me from me.

I knew that all of my doors were locked because I keep them locked. My only way in was to run to the front of my house and let myself in through the garage door. I was freezing--it was 16*, and the wind was wicked! You Texans do not know the pain of Siberian winters like Hoosiers do. I'm talking pain-in-the-bones cold.

So I wrapped each red rug over my shoulders and ran as fast as I could to the front, praying no one would report a giant running, flapping, screaming cardinal breaking into my garage.

When I got in, Zoe was still standing there barking at the locked door, oblivious to my walking in another door. She is brilliant. In fact, sometimes I call her "Lassie" because they have so much in common.

And that has been my day, which was topped off by a two hour choral Christmas concert tonight during which my taped up back itched the entire time. My only recourse was to rub my back across the padded chair back. I'm sure I didn't look weird at all; I just looked like I was really into "Rockin' Around the Christmas Tree," dancing in my seat.

The last thing my husband said to me tonight was not a word at all, but a song about someone named "Patches," and I almost had to sic Zoe on him. I have a feeling that "Patches" is a nickname I'll be "stuck" with for a while.


Dena @ Green Acres said...

Ok, sorry if this is a duplicate, but my reply disappeared and I know your day wouldn't be complete if you didn't have it. LOL How soon till you get the results of your allergy tests? That can't be fun for you. :( We live in the absolute middle of nowhere and therefore never, ever lock our doors. I can't even tell you if the keys work...or where they are. For me it gives me peace knowing I'll never have to worry about looking like screaming cardinal. LOL

Mel said...

I am glad they do the patch test not the scratch test to check for allergies anymore!!!

Ok I am sorry your day was ick, you amaze me bad day or not you find the humor in it!!!

Patrice said...

I really do not want to laugh, but AAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! You are a hoot!

We should get Zoe & Higgins together, those two are quite a pair!!

April in CT said...

Poor Zoe...being abandoned inside like that is traumatic! LOL

I'm glad you were able to get back in because BRRRR that's cold! I locked myself outside once when we lived in Charleston, SC on a military base. I went out on my balcony to water my plants and *CLICK*. At the time my husband was on a deployment so I knew he wouldn't be coming home! I yelled, screamed, hollered and felt like the biggest idiot trying to get someones attention. Eventually I flagged down a new neighbor and thank goodness I had left my front door open so she could get in. I've never been so humiliated, but I sure was glad to see a stranger.

Emily said...

ROFL! That's just too hysterical! A great story to tell the grandkids someday!

I'm with Mel, when I had my allergy test done, it was a scratch test. Like getting a full back tattoo. I ended up passing out and puking. Turns out I was a little preggers, too, but still, bad, bad memories.

Merrie said...

I'm so sorry that I rolled.... I almost feel like I'm doing something so uncaring as laughing hard at someone who has just "gracefully" fallen and hurt themselves - while the world around them is ROFL!
Hope they do find the reason for the puffy eyes... But after your experience, it may be easier to live with puffy eyes than the process and cure!
Merrie Christmas!

sara said...

bwahahaha!!!!!! You always make me laugh in the morning and I love it!!! Having lived in IN, I can so relate to your story...except I never locked my doors!

And Zoe still barking at the other her beloved owner....priceless!!!

Hope they figure out what is going on and that you have a better day today!!

Beverlydru said...

Oh my. My sincere sympathies on your predicaments. At least you have blog fodder... and we are such a comfort I'm sure. ; ) Prayers and love coming your way!

Mocha with Linda said...

Your blog should really have a Surgeon General's Warning: Drinking Coffee While Reading Could Be Hazardous to Your Health and Your Keyboard.

Chatty Kelly said...

For Christmas you should get a "back facial" at a salon, where they exfoliate and scrub and hot stone and do all kinds of yummy things to your back. You would LOVE it! Tell Jorge!

Smelling Coffee said...

Sorry to say this, but the wrap up of your crummy day did bring a little laughter to my morning! :-) Hope today is "uneventful" for you... except, then, how would you make us laugh tomorrow???

Have a good one... Jennifer

Wanda said...'s not nice to laugh. But you have to admit....all that had to think "is there a video camera somewhere"?
When crazy stuff happens....I always think of Candid Camera days!
I live in frigid Indiana too. Brrr....bad time to get locked out!

Hope all the allergy testing comes out great. My family is one of those allergy people too.
You should go here and see my husband's latest run-in. Warning! It's a little icky!

Kerri said...

thanks for the cup of coffee this morning! :) Poor thing... I'm sorry for your rough day. Hope you get the results quickly!

Lynn said...

Funny stuff, sorry hate to laugh cause goodness knows I know how cold it gets there, but it is funny!

Happy Holiday's to your family!

Paula (SweetPea) said...

You poor thing. You've had a heck of a time, huh?

I've never heard of an allergic done that way with the tape. I've heard of having several (many) shots.

Just be glad you weren't in your pj's. Thank God for keyless entry into the garage!

Melissa said...

Ok,you're so right about us Texans not being able to relate! Love the mental image I have of you running around with carpet attached to you! Too funny. Glad your dog kept you safe, from yourself.

skoots1mom said...

hope you have good results from your tests...its difficult having allergies and not knowing which thing is causing them.

I would have a more difficult time with all that tape than the test itself...when i had my epidural they taped it to my caused "alligator skin", itching and pain, and it took over 2 years to clear up.
Praying you don't have any reactions to the tape.
Wish I had a "Godzilla Zoe" to watch over me...what did she do when she saw you come through the garage? My little doggie used to sit up on the back of my couch like a kitty as he barked ferociously at the squirrels, yet when he would encounter them face-to-face in the yard, he'd tuck tail and run.: )
Hope Mocha's keyboard survives the coffee...

Beverly said...

I am so sorry to laugh at your pain, Patches, but really HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Oh and that song will make you cry when not associated with your story, hee hee.

Greg C said...

When I was young, I was so ragged that folks used to call me Patches....By Clarence Carter. I sing that song from time to time just because it drives my family crazy. I had that patch thingy done to my back and I fell in love with the nurse with the long fingernails. Long story. :)

Susanne said...

"a giant, flapping, screaming cardinal". Hahahahaha. Geez, where's a camera when you need one! And I know about that bone chilling cold. We've got it big time. So after laughing and snorting at the picture in my head, I did feel bad for you. :v) Thank God the garage was open.

Joanna said...

hee hee that's funny!

Oh that Indiana wind! It's like a hot knife that cuts through cold butter. Brrr!

Melanie @ This Ain't New York said...

I hope they find out something and you can get some relief. :>(

annie's eyes said...

Oh my goodness!! Every now and then you have a day that if you didn't laugh from the craziness, you'd be in a huge puddle of tears. I have locked myself out so many times, and often in pridicaments I never should have gone outside in. My neighbors, (who have keys) love me. Hoping those patches tell you what's up with the swelling. I've had that and it is awful. My hands and face swell. Turns out for me it's the Christmas tree.

You are so, so thoughtful. I'll email you about that!
Love you, Annette

momstheword said...

You know you got the itchies when you salivate whenever you see a fence post!

Just so you know you're not alone, my then-two year old locked me outside once. I then proceeded to watch as he went to investigate the disgusting "present" the dog left on the floor.

He also locked me us both out when he was four and the baby was in the crib. Now I don't need him....I can lock myself out on my own, lol!

Brenda Susan said...

Hilarious story! Thanks for sharing it with us! You always crack me up.

Pam Warden Art said...

Thank you for the much needed laugh. Sorry, its at your expense, but much needed just the same. Stuck, stuck, Stuck, Stuck...thank you!
Merry Christmas,

PJ said...

I didn't even know I needed to laugh like that -- but the "Cardinal" flapping scene was tooooo much!!! And Zoe's futile efforts! You are providing me with much needed comic relief.

Tammy said...

You are too funny!

So, did the test reveal anything as to why your eyelids swell up??? I have the same problem on occasion.

I am relieved to know that people do not have to endure the allergy prick test anymore. When I had mine the oak tree area lit up like a Christmas tree!!

A Gracious Home said...

I hope you find out what is wrong with your eyelids. That sounds uncomfortable. We must be old fashioned here the allergist is still scratching and it is very hard on little ones to stay still. Merry Christmas, Doylene