Friday, January 09, 2009
What I Haven't Done
Last night at one of our youth events, a co-volunteer made food for all of the workers to enjoy, since we arrive about dinnertime and many have not had time to eat after work. I am not one of those who hasn't had time to eat, and yet usually, I'm elbowing legitimately hungry people out of the way so I can git me some victuals.
But last night I had not partaken (why do churchy people use that word when no one else in the world does?) and so I was taken aback to hear my food-preparing co-volunteer mention that her chili was made with beer.
Suddenly, a big hole opened up in the earth and swallowed our church, and now I don't have to go to work tomorrow and create more mail-merges in Word that I would like to punch in the face.
But before we were swallowed up, I said, in a jovial way, "Beer? Really? I'm glad I didn't have any then, because I'm 46 and have never tasted beer, and now it's like this big record of nearly fifty years of no beer, so I feel like I just can't have any now or ... then I wouldn't have these awesome 'bragging rights.'"
She blinked big eyes at me like I had wounded her, and I quickly saw that I needed to further explain my list of "What I Haven't Done."
For the next two hours, she was totally captivated. Just kidding. But I did give her the list so that she would "get" my joke about myself (NOT about her beer, etc.).
My list is all about normal things that normal people have done which I haven't, not highly exciting things like big game hunting with Clark Gable, because most people haven't done that. At least nobody in my Girls' Group has, and let me tell you they have done a lot of things, especially in their lives B.C. (before Christ. You know what I mean.)
Back to me. Which, really, isn't everything?
So here is a partial list of common things I have never done, and which I cannot do at least until I'm 50:
1. Tasted beer or been drunk.
2. Gone to a drive-in theater.
3. Ridden a motorcycle.
4. Ice skated.
5. Skied. Skiid. Skid. The past tense of "ski."
6. Picked up anyone from the airport. Or a bar.
7. Been to Chicago (and we're not very far) or NYC.
8. Been to the Indy 500 (and we're even closer). Once I won tickets and gave them away.
9. Been in a physical fight, except with computers.
10. Played any kind of football.
11. Watched any part of Lord of the Bo-Rings.
12. Seen a comet or meteorite or whatever.
13. Eaten most shell fish. I still cannot get over people eating GIANT INSECTS!
14. Gone out of the house without some form of makeup on. Oh. There was that time when I was five, but I learned my lesson.
15. Bought a car or filed taxes. My husband has always done this.
I'm stopping there because, well, you're way too interested in this, and you're going to need some of that energy for the weekend when you're doing all kinds of fun stuff like eating shrimp.
Actually, my list is missing a few because I can't remember some of the best ones right now. But if I ever update my non-life, I'll let you know.
Or I may follow this list up with "weird things that I have done."
How 'bout you? Is there some common experience you have not had? And please. Don't try to show-up my Girls' Group by telling me you've done everything under the sun. Because they will just say they were doing that before you were born. And since most of them are older than I am, let's just say it's possible.