Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Latest Entry for "I Know You Think I Make this Stuff Up" Label

Yes, I have an actual post label called, "I Know You Think I Make this Stuff Up" which serves as the repository for strange stories like the one about how a ham came out of the oven looking more like a pig than when it went in, thanks to my unintentional culinary capabilities.

It's a label full of nothing, like a jumbo bin filled with foil yogurt lids, dryer lint and "The Firm" videotapes. You gotta put that stuff somewhere.

Anyway, here is the latest installment:

My Last Wowmart Visit

by Lidna Crow

This, by the way, is all true. Even though I know you think I make this stuff up.

I had a return to make at Wowmart before doing my weekly shopping. Making a return at Wowmart is not simple. It is trouble from "the bad place" that you bring on yourself. You don't just saunter into Wowmart with a return like you're just going to ... return it! Heavens! If you think that, what planet are you from? Target?

I walked in, was accosted by the friendly greeter, opened my bag and had 46 green stickers placed on my one item and was then given the green light to proceed. If security gets any tighter at the front door, they'll have to strip search people.

There was, of course, a line at the customer service desk, a line of 25 people and one associate with 5" acrylic nails and a ring on every finger. The associate was not very nice, but she's not supposed to be. It's against company rules.

In fact, Wowmart's customer service motto is, "We make customer service purgatory on earth, so you don't have to worry about that when you cross over! Yellow Smiley Face!!"

About three people in front of me, there was a woman with foil in her hair like in this picture. I can only assume that she went to the Wowmart beauty salon and decided that while her color was lifting, she'd run over and return her too-small Lucky Charms t-shirt. I'd like to know where I can get some of that "no inhibition" stuff she's been smoking because that would make life a lot more carefree.

After my return, I grabbed a cart and about 5 feet down the aisle realized I had one of those schizophrenic carts which tries to go three ways at once, all the while squeaking an announcement to everyone that you deserve and belong with the crazy cart because after all, you chose it. It's always at this point you have to decide if the craziness is bad enough to send you back to get a normal one. In this case, it was.

I always make a list before leaving my house so that I don't get confused or forget anything once I'm there, so you can imagine my dismay when I opened my list and read the first item: "blue."

"What?!" I asked myself, "What is 'blue?' Why did I write 'blue?'"

Passing people in pajamas and slippers, I made my way to the back of the store, my lips forming the word, "Blue ... blue." I probably looked like a fish.

"Why did I write 'blue'? Is it toilet cleaner? No. Is it bleu cheese? No. Blueberry yogurt? No."

I got stuck in a traffic jam in the cereal aisle, but I didn't mind so much because that actually bought me more time to de-bug my menopausal brain.

"Blue? What in the world is that about? Blueberry cereal? Blue paint samples? Blue label something? Blue Bunny Ice Cream?"

"Um, OK. I choose ice cream."

Once I had collected everything on my list but "blue," I got in line where the young male associate asked me to put the "closed" sign on his lane, which I did. He apologized profusely to the people just ahead of me and to me for having to close his lane so that he could go to the bathroom. If he said it once, I know he said it 10 times: "I just can't help it, you know? You've gotta go when you've gotta go. I feel bad, but hey, I have to go to the bathroom. Sorry about that. It's just something you've got to do when you've gotta go."

I expected to see his face turn yellow and his legs twist together like pretzels before he could put my items through.

Once through the line, I was happy to be going home. Until I saw the near blizzard coming down outside because I knew what that meant: Pushing that cart through a couple of inches of snow would be like pushing it through sand. It's almost easier to get a hold of the basket end and pull it to your car.

But I made it home, finally, and enjoyed a nice big bowl of Blue Bunny as I sat by the space heater recovering from the trauma of yet another frigid Saturday at Wowmart, trauma which, by the way, I did not make up.

Does this stuff happen to you?

52 comments:

missy said...

all the time. thanks for normalizing my dreaded "wowmart" visits. the foil in the hair is even crazier than the ham resembling the pig. i miss the muncie wowmart!

Esthermay said...

This kind of stuff never happens to me. No idea what you're talking about. Ya' lost me with the pretty stuffed pig and green stickers.
I am still laughing though.

Ballerina Girl said...

try living in foreign lands and the srtangest stuff happens to you!!!
:) BG

The Dental Maven said...

My husband told me that all Wowmart returns had to be posted on Ebay. Store policy. That's not true?

mtnest423 said...

After you got home did you have an epiphany for what 'blue' really meant?

At our house, we call artificial sweetener 'blue stuff' and 'pink stuff' - depending on whether we want Equal or Sweet-n-low (or, of course, their generic equivalents). So on our list might be 'blue stuff' - maybe you needed Equal?

Glad my experience at W-M yesterday wasn't as exciting as yours!

The Inept Aspirant said...

I love it! But right at the moment when you were enjoying your Blue Bunny is when the REAL meaning of blue would have miraculously popped into my mind and I would realize I had no choice but to go back to that terrible place.

Angie Ledbetter said...

Happens too frequently, but without the snow.

To make your day better...guess what? You won my Mardi Gras King Cake contest!! Come by and give me your info when ya get a chance, and pick your flavor.

CONGRATS! :)

Dena said...

So what was the blue you were missing? Ever figure it out?

We have the same problem here (minus the foil woman), however it's reversed. Our wowmart lets you walk right in and over to the service desk. Target on the other hand requires a background check and references to let you return anything.

Greg C said...

It happens to me all the time and that is why I hate shopping at Hellmart. Sorry that's my little pet name for the place. I would get started about this not so great place to shop but there isn't enough space on blogger. Ler me just say....I hate it.

Robin @ Be Still and Know said...

Alas, I think all "wow-mart" experiences are very similar, except one thing, when you go the the "wow-mart" here you get to experience a multicultural experience as you quite possibly will be the only person who speaks English in the entire store, sales clerks and cashiers included!

Blessing and "Do you speak English???"
Robin

Mocha with Linda said...

Of course it happens to the rest of us, but only you make it this funny!

Be sure to share if you find out where you "can get some of that "no inhibition" stuff she's been smoking because that would make life a lot more carefree."

Susanne said...

I thought you were going to so tell us that as soon as you were settled in your chair having that first bite of Blue Bunny ice cream you remembered what blue thing your really forgot!

I haven't been in the Walmart for awhile now. I always go through the self check out to avoid cashiers who need bathroom breaks. Now I only get insane machines telling me to wait until the associate comes to help.

Beverlydru said...

I think I've got your story topped today... but you be the judge. I need you to mentor me on how to write funny though. I could use a lesson or 3. The only funny thing about that store is the people that truly come as they are. I am always amazed by the display.

Jeanette said...

Repeat after me...

NEVER go to Wowmart on the weekend!
NEVER. NEVER. NEVER.

Monday mornings at 8am - no one is there - including workers :} Yes, you will see people in slippers and jammies because after all it is Wowmart :}

Patrice said...

I loath Wowmart, and I try to never darken their door, but every now and then I must drag in for something! My last trip there, I was blessed to see a lady in a short nightie, panties and all! I kid you not! I still have nightmares!

Chel's Leaving a Legacy said...

I can not STAND shopping at WallyWorld. Yet I do so I can save some green. Sad, I know.

This post, however, is far from sad. I laughed my rear off (I wish!) through the whole thang! :-)

You funny girl.

What's next said...

amen. that is exactly what would happen to me... read my last post about my Petsmart visit... craziness follows me...

Lois Lane II said...

I hate, hate, hate going to big superstores like Wowmart. I try only to go once every two weeks or once a month.

sara said...

wait......you never figured out what blue was?!!! Yep, that's my life!

Cyndy said...

This is as true an account of a "wowmart" shopping trip as I have ever heard. I HATE going there...the really bad thing is that I live in a small town and it is pretty much the only option. That's why I'm happy to drive an hour to go to Target!

Pam Warden Art said...

Check out my blog...our little Cairn Terrier (Toto) went outside and when we were not looking he made a SNOW ANGEL!!!! I've got the photo blogged. He can sit, play dead if you shoot him with your finger and say, "BANG", speak and talk (sounds like the Jetsons dog talking)and he plays soccer with himself...but a SNOW ANGEL????
Blessings,
Pam

Melanie @ This Ain't New York said...

This is my life.

Daughter and I named that cart. He is called "Mr. Squeaky" and I get him every time.

The Bayou Belles and Their Beau said...

You must have been at the WalMart down the street from me. Good to know it's the same everywhere.

Heth said...

Can you go there everyday and then write about it because that was hilarious.

Every time I am there, I witness inter-employee conflict. It's uncomfortable. The worst is watching an employee be reprimanded by their superior in front of us customers. Fun times.

Rachel said...

See, I didn't think you were making this up because every. single. time. I go to the Wowmart on the Westbank. Except you obviously have classier fellow shoppers than we do. We don't get foil, we just get curlers and a showercap.

But the acrylic nails, heaven help us, the acrylic nails...

Debbie @Like a Rose said...

I prefer calling it Woe-mart or Slowmart and I'm with Jeanette - I try to avoid it all together but if I must go I won't do it on the weekend!

Seriously - drive the extra mile to Mystore. IT will cost you a minimal amount more but you'll have less stress and scary craziness. The downside - you'll have less blog material.

beckyjomama said...

Actually, yes, this has happened to me - all except the chick with the foil (wha ...?). And, to topit off, my squeaky schizzo cart has 2 little girls in it. One screaming 'cause I had the audacity to pass up the stale popcorn for sale at the front enterance and the other crying and beggin for the Elmo that can be found in every stinkin aisle of the wowmart!

Carol @SheLives said...

Our Walmart has nothing but schizophrenic carts. And they do not have a single hand basket. You either struggle with the cart all the way to the far back corner to get a gallon of milk, or carry that cold, heavy thing all the way from the back to checkout to your car barehanded.

Either way, it's truly an ordeal!

Alexia said...

Gotta love your Walmart experiences...it's the price you have to pay for reasonably priced goods :) I'm a big fan of going late at night - the shelves are stocked and no one's around!

Mrs.Naz@BecomingMe said...

I laughed so hard while reading this....one because you are so funny and two because this stuff happens to me often...at Wowmart, Target, anywhere...

This line especially cracked me up:
In fact, Wowmart's customer service motto is, "We make customer service purgatory on earth, so you don't have to worry about that when you cross over! Yellow Smiley Face!!"

Chatty Kelly said...

I want to see the foil headed lady. I'm jealous. I too want to know if you ever figured out what blue meant.

I sent my husband for groceries once and he got every thing except the "7P" becuase he didn't know what that was. It was TP (Toliet Paper) not 7P. Obviously he had to go back for it. LOL!

a Tonggu Momma said...

I wouldn't know - I'm a Target girl myself. Although the foil lady makes me tempted to stop on by my local Wowmart now...

Tammy said...

Today while at Wal-Marts, two "associates" actually got into a LOUD disagreement about the display they were working on.

One said to the other, "DO NOT CALL ME A LIAR!"

I turned my basket around and was outta there before the weapons were drawn!

Kathryn Magendie said...

LAUGHING! and you never figurd out what "blue" was? Oh, I do that all the time - I have atrocious handwriting...haw!

I came to congrats you on the King Cake win - OMG - they are SO GOOD! I love the cream cheese one - droollll

glad I came by - this is making me Larf me arse off...!

skoots1mom said...

i'm just asking...
"why can't people walk in the "entrance" door and out the "exit" door any more?...especially when you're coming out with two buggies and a kid and they look at you as if YOU'RE doing it the wrong way...
hhhhhmmmmmpp!

Laurie Ann said...

Oh, Lidna, you should post a warning to go tinkle first and not to be drinking anything before these posts!

I, too, have been a victim of Wowmart Trauma. Sigh.

Too funny!!!!!

Allison said...

So, so funny. Well done! And did you ever remember what blue item you meant to get??

(And yes, these horrid WM incidents happen to all of us that dare to grace their doors...)

Mel said...

Yes this stuff happens to me all the time, which is why i have a file in my head called "Only Mel Adventures"

Have I ever told ya that I love your gift of humour cause if i haven't well then i am a dolt.

Debbie said...

I do have days like this - just not at WalMart. I am a Target girl.

Andrea said...

I LOVE the customer service slogan!! One time I had the customer service MANAGER argue with me over whether or not I heard the dumb express lane computer tell me to go to her lane. I shudder to think what she's teaching the newbies!

I also have decided to never return/exchange anything there ever again, when I was told I couldn't exchange a tank top because the price I paid was more than it was that week on sale. For the exact same tank top. It really is a wonder why I keep shopping there!

Chris said...

"Wowmart's customer service motto is, "We make customer service purgatory on earth, so you don't have to worry about that when you cross over! Yellow Smiley Face!"

Oh my goodness gracious you make me laugh!!!!!!! I was raised Roman Catholic, but have been Presbyterian for 25 years. I still describe awful drawn-out experiences as "Purgatory"...your comments and observations are so funny. Thank you thank you for sharing your humor so that we can laugh and feel lifted up. A gift from God! And I'm so wowed by the gal who had the foil in her hair. I want whatever she had...

Bless you Linda. You are a gift.

Heather of the EO said...

Yes. ALL of this stuff happens to me. If I'm at WOWmart, which I totally avoid like the plague. I'm from planet Target.

Maybe "blue" was just a way to tell yourself how you'd be feeling while you were shopping?

Becky said...

No, never happens to me... unless we try getting our family portraits done there.

I love WOWmart... I could spent a whole day there... and actually did once... not by choice though. The closest one is ove an hour away. It is a special trip to go there.

Crazy thing DO happen to me at the library though. Library ladies make me cry. :-(

Esthermay said...

So. . .
We're dying' here!
WHAT's BLUE?

Jenny said...

I avoid Wallyworld, i.e. Wowmart, like the plague for all the reasons above and then some.

You had me laughing so hard I was crying because it is all sooo true:)

Kelly said...

Yes. I had the schizo cart in a Mississippi Wowmart today! And stood in a 6-person deep line while the checkout girl with the 5 inch talons raked everything across at snail-speed. Why, why, why do they have 30 registers and only 5 are ever open?

Jenners said...

You pretty much summed it up .. .though our Wowmart has a 90-year-old man in a wheelchair handling security so I think I could take him and avoid the little stickers!!!

And did you ever remember what Blue was? I think you made the right choice with the Blue Bunny. That would have been my choice too!

Jules from "The Roost" said...

It happens to me but it is never this funny! LOLOL!!!

PJ said...

I'm still holding my breath to find out what "Blue" was!!! Did you remember. I would have remembered after there was a foot of snow on the ground, and it would have been something that we just couldn't do without for five more minutes!!!! Love the WowMart!!! Ours is multicultural, peopled by unattended rug rats who run around yelling at each other in incomprehensible languages.

Renna said...

That sounds like a typical day for me at WowMart, but I am always grumbly when I tell it, and from you, it was funny. ;-Þ

Did you ever remember what the blue was supposed to be? Going with the Blue Bunny would've been my choice, too...or Blue Bell, even better.

Julie said...

LInda,
I used to love Wowmart....BUT now it takes everything in me to go..... And I have to go there twice a month for major grocery shopping. My pet peave... they never have more than 6 lanes open unless it's Christmas! They've got plenty of empty cash registers....though.

DRIVES ME NUTS!!!

We've all had our experiences at Wowmart, haven't we?

Seeker said...

i am new here...love your blogs...will be playing catchup reading as i have really enjoyed the ones i have read.

Thanks for visiting...am emailing you