Thursday, May 07, 2009

Smack Down at the Dollar General and Other Junk, Or Why Are People Yelling at Me?

Yell #1:

Yesterday, I stopped by the DG to pick up some necessities. (OK. One little packet of Peanut M&Ms because I was DYING from deprivation. I'd been home from the conference 3 days and had not eaten any junk, and my system was in shock. It was a medical emergency, or I wouldn't have stopped because, as you know, I have scads of willpower. Scads and scads.)

As I walked toward the door, I heard what seemed to be an elderly lady calling from somewhere in the parking lot, "Hello! Hello!" as if to say, "Anybody hear me?"

The first couple of times, I kept walking because I thought she was actually talking to someone else. By the 3rd or 4th time, I stopped and turned toward her voice only to see a giant Macaw sitting in the window of a big ol' beat-up pickup.

The owner and I made eye contact, and with her cigarette hanging out of her mouth, she nodded to me and mumbled something to the bird.

No, I do not know what she said, and I do not want to know because it was creepy.

Now I ask you, what kind of a looney tune talks to animals?!

Oh, that kind, to the left. Yeah. Well then, what kind of looney tune talks to animals AND blows second-hand smoke into their faces? A creepy looney tune.

For a second I thought she had trained the bird to take a drag, and I couldn't stop staring, but then I remembered, "Chocolate is near" and went inside.

So I picked up my candy and stood in line, and the guy in front of me said, "Did you hear that squawking thing out there? That thing's a giant. I hope they have it tethered down! Hahahahaha."

The cashier laughed, and then another customer embellished the 1st guy's remark with something like, "That's disgusting, having that bird sit there like that. You know it poops ..." to which Guy #1 added a remark, and so on. You know, banter.

And then, rising from the other aisle came a reverberating deadpan reply, "That's MAH burrrd." (Translated: "That's MY bird.")

Guy #1 just stood there, and I thought maybe he needed a translator, and I was about to whisper, "That's his bird," but then he said, "Oh. Wow. That's a beautiful bird."

Nice comeback, Mr. Backpedal.

The owner gave Guy #1 the evil eye and never said a word but eyeballed him all the way out of the store.

I just wanted to say, "Move on, folks. Nothing here to see. Move on now," like a cop because I just wanted to get out of there and eat my M&M's.

Yell #2:

Jorge and I were putting out some annuals last night, and someone at our intersection yelled, "Hey, Crows!" and so we raised up and waved and saw that the yeller was a fellow-church attender. So we of course threw up our hands in response, and as he zipped past our house, he yelled, "Linda! I'm buying your book!"

Jorge looked at me as I slapped my forehead. This book thing has gotten out of hand.

I did not write a book. I wrote a paragraph which is in a book. But I am signing a book Sunday for one reason: Cash. Compensation. Moola.

Still, everyone is under the impression this is my debut novel or something. How embarrassing.

People, you know this book signing is going to bad. Really bad. And that will mean one thing: blog fodder.

So have you been yelled at lately by someone other than your spouse or a Macaw?


Anonymous said...

Oh my word! Who drives around with a giant bird in their vehicle? That sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock movie waiting to be told! Was that bird waiting out in the parking lot for the smarty pants guy in the store? Yikes.

I bet that paragraph is worth the attention! Soon people will be calling Jorge Mr. Lid!

Lelia Chealey said...

OH my goodness Linda you never fail to have my stomach hurting from laughter. Thanks again for the humor. You give such a visual!

skoots1mom said...

a cashier at Lob* Hob* loudly reprimanded me last Friday--not only once but 3 times she verbally pounced on me for "placing items in the gift bags" I had chosen for my graduating seniors...picking up goodies along the way through the store. Three times she clarified the managers would say I was shoplifing for putting stuff in the bags. I wanted to ask if it was a manager rule to insult your customers three times instead of just once, but I decided to that might be a little much.
I was standing in line to PAY and had not even walked toward the door).
Here's the kicker: after I paid, said clerk didn't bag ANYTHING... left it on the counter & started checking out the next lady ~:P isn't that special??!! I felt like i needed to go to customer detention hall or something...but, I didn't have a parrot or his owner, waiting on me in the parking lot.

2Thinks said...

I haven't been yelled at, but I want to buy your book! hee hee

Have you visited me lately, I'm trying to show off my new learnin'.


Anonymous said...

With all of the Oprah hoopla & free KFC today, my roommates and I decided to have a "free lunch"...even though there's no such thing as a free lunch, according to my high school economics teacher. Anyways, we're standing in the coupon-infested line, and a woman blurts to Keegan & me, "Excuuuuse me!"

Not only was she not waiting behind us for more than a second before her sass kicked in, but it also wasn't that crazy in there. Considering how busy they were, the workers were in high spirits and the people in line (with one exception, previously noted) were all being patient. But, it got better:

A few moments later, Pushy Pauline came back in a temper tantrum. To the manager she declared, "This is crazy! You've got to do something about this line in your parking lot-I can't even get out, and you can't have people waiting here all day!!"

The manager, respectfully and with a professional manner, apologized and told her that he hoped somebody would be kind enough to let her out. She just huffed toward the door, held still for a dramatic pause and exclaimed, "This is crazy!"

Within ninety seconds or less of her grand exodus, she was free from the parking lot. We laughed, I have to admit-she was outraged, but what was he to do?

"Uh, I'm sorry, but we're going to close the drive-thru down. Yeah, I'm going to need all of you to leave so this lady can exit the parking lot. No, no...don't just let her out, you must leave!"

All she had to do was put her lights on to show she was backing up, and in a matter of seconds somebody let her out. Simple, but wow-she made waiting in line way more exciting!

Kim said...

One of the advantages to not knowing the language well is also not knowing if someone is "yelling" or upset with you. I could have the entire city of Carlos Paz mad at me and I'd be oblivious and just smile and nod my head like the village idiot. Which is probably what most people think I am anyway with my kindergarten Spanish and lack of comprehension. But that's okay, I'm a happy village idiot :-)

Susan D said...

HAHAHA! Parrots are like having a 3 to 5 year old with a can opener on their face. Can you imaging? And, as if that weren't bad enough, what does a 3 y.o. do when they don't get their way??? S.C.R.E.A.M. Oh yeah. Fun times w/a parrot!.

Can I get a signed copy of that book? lol Blessings, SusanD

Anonymous said...

I get yelled at on a fairly routine basis. I run a 'free' dental clinic for low-income patients. Appointments for new patients are very limited, and given out only twice a month. It is hard to tell people in pain we can't see them, but we're doing all we can do - all our doctors volunteer their time, and we can only be open when we have a doc.

Often, people get angry when I tell them they can't get an appt.

Sometimes - and I have to pray for forgiveness - I want to tell them that if they yell at me, they really blow their chances of getting an appointment.

The Davidson Den said...

Boy, that macaw story sort of leaves me speechless. How incredibly w.e.i.r.d. (some people are).

sara said...

how do you do it? How do you always seem to find the crazies and attract the bird, they guy hitting your car with his must be a gift!

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Davidson Den: Your link is broken! I can't come to your site.

Mocha with Linda said...

Sounds like you need bumper stickers like our city has, only yours will say "Keep Muncie Weird."

Maybe these are the people who live with the casket?

I want your book! Sound like I should have given it away on my Mother's Day Giveaway this week!

Beth in NC said...

That is HILARIOUS!!! Oh, I could just see that nasty bird. Ha!!!

Hey -- congrats ON YOUR BOOK! hee hee


Sara Bonds said...

Seriously, who has a big bird with them like that out and about? Weird. And, who in the world smokes inside a DG?

I haven't been yelled at lately, but I've been ignored . . . which can be kind of worse. LOL.

Debbie @Like a Rose said...

Given your exceptions, no yelling here.

So the headline for your day pretty much reads: Famous author meets the Birdman of Alcatraz!?

Liz said...

Oh yes, I have been yelled at, and it was a scary day. Possibly good blog fodder to tell the story about the man who came to the church one day when I was alone and proceeded to pound loudly on the front door, wanting me to let him in. SCA-A-A-A-RY!

Angela said...

Exotic birds creep me out. I've been attacked my a Parrot named Romeo. His owner got him out of his cage to show me a few tricks. Romeo "prayed" then drew blood from my neck. It happened ten years ago...the sound of flapping wings still has me ducking for cover.

I had a very creepy experience at Big Lots last year. And I think Big Lots and DG, FD, etc are all in the same family.

Anyway...while in line with my then 1yr old son, a man behind us asked me:

"Did YAHEVA giv em Esbren?"

My son was teething at the time, so I interpreted as " did you ever give him aspirin?"

The man was older and I was used to getting unsolicited advice type of questions from people in his age group.

As I turned to him to explain that, no, my son was too young to take aspirin, I noticed that the man was eating an ice-cream sandwich. The man continued explaining and horror struck my heart.

"Yeah, I didn't think so cuz I tried to give him mine but he wouldn't take it!"

The man tried to give my son a bite of his ice-cream. I still cringe.

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

Can't wait to buy your book :)

Susanne said...

LOL. Reading the dollar store exchange made me laugh 'cause all I could think of was the guy whose lady and bird were waiting for him was in the store and probably could hear every word commentors were saying. LOL. You sure have interesting things happening in Muncie. LOL. We have a someone around here who takes his/her mackaw for a walk on his shoulder in the summer time, but I can't say I've ever seen them together in a vehicle.

I want a signed copy of your paragraph containing book cause then when your first full length comes out I can already say I know a famous author and prove it!

Susanne said...

BTW is this going into your "I don't make this stuff up file?" LOL.

Greg C said...

I am praying that the book signing goes well otherwise you will blog about it. Oh the pain, the pain.

Melanie @ This Ain't New York said...

No, but I witnessed some yelling at the post office yesterday. It was priceless. Post to come..

Debra said...

Oh my goodness! Aren't people funny? Ok, I mean weird...I might as well call it like it is, right? I bet those peanut m&ms tasted exceptionally good after all that.

As for your book signing...Wow, it sounds like you're already famous and you haven't even signed it yet. :) Guess I'd better get to know you better, so I can say you're my friend, when you make it big. lol

Fiddledeedee said...

My son yelled at me in Aldi today. Because I wouldn't let him hug the bread. And then he called me "poopy pants." As if.

He'll be missed.

Smelling Coffee said...

I just have to say... I've been missing you! I've been so rushed on the computer that I haven't been reading a lot of blogs, and I've really enjoyed catching up on yours!

And, congratulations on "writing a book"! :-)