Coincidences and Corresponding Sound Effects = Stupefication

For posterity, I need to document here that I was watching a TV show when an interview with Cameron Diaz started. At that same moment, I was working a crossword puzzle, and the answer to a clue was "Cameron Diaz."

[This is where you play the sound effect.]



I really wish that in real life, whenever something startling happened, I could summon this sound.

Same day, later in the afternoon:

I was listening to the radio in my master bath, and the song I mentioned last week, "Blinded by the Light" came on, and I heard the lyrics, "Bogart Mozart was checking out the weather chart to see if it was safe outside," when I walked past the TV in my room and who was on the screen but ... Humphrey Bogart.



Perhaps the biggest irony, though, is that when I checked the lyrics to that ridiculous song again, I saw that all these years I've been singing "Bogart Mozart" when it is actually "go-cart Mozart," so there was no coincidence at all, except in my head.



Pooey.

But the Cameron Diaz one, now that's just crazy-ironic.

Honestly, if my writing were any more interesting, could you stand this blog?

Column Today and the Home of the Monkey Nut

This is a re-vamp of the letter I wrote to Katie upon graduation; many of you have already seen it, but if you haven't, I invite you to by clicking on the button.

I have two graduation open houses to attend this weekend and several more to come. In Indiana, these open houses are a very big deal. I'm told that this is a regional thing unique to Hoosiers.

Indiana:

State bird: Cardinal (nice)
State flower: Peony (very nice)
High school graduation open houses (temporary shrines built to honor the graduates)
Home of the "Monkey Nut"

Friday's Fave Five--Papa Oom Mow Mow

Susanne at Living to Tell the Story hosts this lovely weekly meme where I get the opportunity show off my stellar-picture-taking-skills-NOT.




Proof:

This is my daughter, "Blurina" at her spring choral concert. She's the blur on the left.

So these kinds of memes are always a challenge for me, especially when I read you moms who just bought your new Nikon Five Million XLG camera and are taking macro shots of your baby's pores. And may I say they are lovely pores. My Blurina has lovely pores, too, but thanks to my pitcher-takin' skilz, you'll never know.



Fave #1: Quakes! Oh.My.Goodness. And I do mean goodness. My favorite flavor is chocolate because they are cocoa-licious; when you taste these, you definitely get your chocolate fix. Seven mini-cakes = 60 calories, and they satisfy the need for crunch and chocolate. YUM. Or as the Beach Boys so eloquently put it: "Papa-oom-mow-mow, papa-oom-mow-mow."








Fave #2: Christmas in May. Look what came to my house yesterday--the 16 Amy Grant CD's that I won at BooMama's place recently.







This is not a pic of Fave #3; this is a pic of my 5 faves out of the 16 [Keeping in mind I have not listened to some of her earliest music, so I'm so grateful to have those.] They are A) Heart in Motion B) Home for Christmas C) A Christmas to Remember D) House of Love, and E) My all-time fave: Behind the Eyes




OK, Fave #3: The Philosophy skin care package that came in the Amy Grant box. For years I've read how celebrities love this stuff, and I just never thought I'd ever try it because I assumed it would be too expensive. Tonight I have to sit down and read through all of the notes and steps. This means that by this time tomorrow I shall look like ... Oprah Winfrey, who is reportedly a fan.


Fave #4: Here's one that will surprise you coming from me: a book. I actually requested this book to review, and I have read it through once and intend on turning the corner and starting from the beginning again. This is Warren Cole Smith's A Lover's Quarrel with the Evangelical Church. It's a sort of deconstruction of the movement, but it's not all about ripping apart the Body for the sake of being critical. It is written with an honest but gentle hand, hence the title. But many churches are re-vamping the way they do church--saying goodbye to "Body-Count Evangelism" and "parachurches" that we have come to know and expect from the Twentieth Century. Only I didn't say that as well as he does. I recommend you read the book. And so would Mr. Smith, I'm sure.


Fave #5: The Indiana state flower: the Peony. Love. Them. Ants and all. This is one perfume I cannot get enough of!

Please go visit Susanne to link up to others who are sharing their Fave Fives this week!

It Seems Like Thursday, But Technically, I Answered These on a Wednesday

Linda (great name!) at Growin' With It hosts a Wednesday meme called "What's Your Answer Wednesday."

Her questions:

1. What is your favorite word?

Oh, I could not say because they are all pretty good, just like my kids. In fact, I like the staccato, monosyllabic ones, the poetic ones, the ornate and scholarly ones, the informal slangy ones, the foreign ones, the dialectic ones, the baby ones, the written ones, spoken ones ... There is enough love in this heart for all of the words except swear words. I don't even like mild curse words. If I were forced at knife point to choose a favorite, I would probably say, "Mom." But please don't pull a knife just to see because that would be overkill, no pun intended; however, I do like puns.

2. Do you cut out coupons but never use them?

No. I don't subscribe to a newspaper, and I usually don't look through direct mail junk mail. And when I do clip a coupon, that means that I will automatically have it in my purse for three years until I finally roll up a wad of gum in it, so I just try not to clip them.

3. Do you wear perfume?

Very rarely. And this brings me to a whole new subject: Ever since Bath and Body Works made it big-time, people have been saturating themselves in aromas. Sometimes when I'm walking or running, or crawling, outside, I come up on a spot that is just wafting with someone's signature afterglow, and I dislike that immensely. Also, sometimes I feel trapped in a room or a car with someone who has applied too much perfume and my imagination starts seeing perfume fog overtaking everyone present, and I have to fight the age-old inclination of "fight or flight."

Perfume addicts are like the proverbial frogs in boiling water; they don't know they are slowly drowning themselves as they coat themselves with one last layer before leaving home. And they don't know that just like a drowning man, they are pulling all of us down with them, asphyxiating us with the sweetness of "Sensual Topaz" or "Lilac Lust." And I think addict is a good descriptive term because each application has diminishing effects on the wearer's olfactory sense, so she must have more, more, more!

"Shined" vs "Shone," the Devil Bird Revisited and Goodbye Australia

Some of you commented the other day that my kangaroo-loving daughter is a "chippette" off the old block when it comes to writing. I must say that her verbal acumen and execution are fierce, waaaay more better than I's. (Don't you just hate when people say that?)





Laser-like verbal skills are wonderful when you're a 22 year-old who loves your parents again, not so wonderful when you're a 14 year-old who's not so crazy about them. It was rough sailing for a while, but now the seas are calm. See? There are good points to your kids growing up!

She has a BA in English and wants to be an editor. So for graduation, one of the gifts I gave her is a white t-shirt that says:


"No passion in the world equals the passion to amend someone else's draft" HG Wells

It's written in red "ink," of course.

She liked it. Because I think it's literally true for her.

Here is one last short excerpt from her final message before leaving Australia. If you liked the "devil bird" comment in yesterday's email message, you will enjoy this.

Today we had a free day, so we all went to Manly Beach. And no, it's not a bodybuilder beach, which is what I thought it would be at first. The name still cracks me up--It is actually a really beautiful beach and the sun eventually shone today, so it was perfect.

Too cold to swim, though, and the beach had signs out warning people not to swim anyway. But the salt air smelled soooo good. I seriously would live at the beach every day if I could. The only thing I didn't like about the beach was the stupid seagulls. Those things are vicious and are pretty much disgusting.



Oh!!! Also, I ate crocodile pizza and emu pizza tonight. Be impressed. No kangaroo for me, though--I couldn't do it after feeding them and petting them. The crocodile kind of tasted like fishy chicken--very weird. The emu was pretty good, though, and I would eat it again. Plus the fact that I was eating the same type of devil bird that bit me didn't hurt.

Well, I can't believe that the baby whose sippy cup I filled 300 times per day is eating crocodile and emu, but I still can't wrap my mind around Martha Stewart going to prison and making prison ponchos, either, so I guess I just don't adapt easily.

By the way, are you wondering why she wrote "shone" instead of "shined?" If it emits light it's "shone," and if it's made shiny it's "shined." That's my girl!

If You're Not Happy About This, You Can Always Kvetch to Greg: Phase 4 of the 30 x 5

Option A: You won't like this phase of the 30 x 5.

Response: Please direct all negative comments to my buddy Greg at Greg's General Store because this was all his idea.

Option B: You'll be up for the challenge and think you might actually like it.

Response: Please direct all flattering comments to Lidna Crow, the genius behind this idea.

The Concept (w/apologies to Robert Frost):

I shall be telling this with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages hence:
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I—
I took the one less traveled by,
A stroke of 30 x 5 brilliance.

Or:

I took the one less traveled by,
And to my muffin top said, "good riddance."

OK, so here are the clues: "The Old Switcheroo" and taking the road less traveled.

It's time to change it up, people.

For the next two weeks, you're going to change a little sumthin sumthin in your routine.

For instance, since I do quite a bit of my aerobic exercise on my elliptical, I am now going to do 5 minutes forward followed by 5 minutes backward, SWITCHING the routine from my normal forward-only motion.

2nd for instance: I've been eating Cheerios for breakfast for a week. I'm going to therefore incorporate different foods at breakfast: yogurt, fruit, eggs, veggie omelet, etc.

Do you get the picture?

Thus the clever inverted image you see in the button for Phase 4. I know. I kill myself, too.

I know what you're thinking: "Why, Lid, why."

Well, why are you so philosophical, asking "why" all the time? Haven't you ever heard the saying, "Ours is not to question why; ours is but to do or die?" Because I think that fits this situation perfectly. You don't want to die, do you?

I didn't think so.

There is a good reason for switching things up, so I will send you to an article called Change Your Workout Routine: Avoiding the Plateau by Jason Johnson, which spells it out clearly.

But in my lingo: Your muscles have gotten smart, and they're working the system. Now you have to counter their smugness with a sucker punch.

So let's review. Because if you've been keeping up with all of the 30 x 5 phases, here's what your life would look like now:




Phase 1: You pledged to move around, any way you pleased, for 30 minutes per day, for 5 days per week. Thirty all at once or in intervals. Any kind of movement counted. The point was to get started moving.




Phase 2: You subtracted, by approximation, 100 calories per day for two weeks, understanding that if you did so, you could lose one pound of fat per month just by doing this alone. So coupling Phase and 1 and 2, you began to get some discipline back into your physical life and make positive changes.



Phase 3: You pledged to drink more water. The goal for most is 8 6-8 oz glasses per day, with the understanding that a more accurate guideline is to halve your weight and drink that number in ounces.





So how has it been going for you? I'm happy to report that the water in this picture is indeed in my refrigerator, and I am slugging it down all day long, which is even more of a lifestyle change than moving around is for me.

And I have done an overhaul on my food consumption AND joined a gym.


I'm serious about this, people. Because June is knocking on our doors. No, not that June. You know what I mean: June. Pools. Swimsuits. Sleeveless tops. shudder

You can grab the code for the button in the right sidebar, if you please. Please leave a comment so that we can come visit you and see how you're doing and what you're thinking about all of this. I'm thinking of going through Phase 6 and then ending this endeavor on the blog (not in my life). What do you think? And do you have any suggestions for Phase 5?

Update from Down Under

Observations of Australia from a 22 year-old. (She won't mind.)

Hi Parentals!

I have a little bit of free time right now (it's 9:06 pm Aussie time) so I thought I'd give you a quick update on what all I've been up to over here.

Sydney is an uh-MAZE-ing city--it's got all the momentum of a major port city, but the atmosphere is so laid back! It's a little weird; I expected it to be more like London or Chicago or New York, something like that with people hustling everywhere, but so far it hasn't felt like that much of a rush.

So far there hasn't been a lack of anything to do, and I've really liked hanging out with the group for the most part.

So let me think of what all we've done so far:
1. Toured the Sydney Opera House--so massive and so impressive

2. Toured the Susannah House--built in 1844; a row of houses that is now a museum, still in its original state (they said they aren't going to restore it--weird and not very practical, if you ask me).

3. New South Wales art museum--aboriginal art exhibit. I am way more into this than I thought I would be.

4. Featherdale Wildlife Park--I FED WALLABIES AND KANGAROOS AND PETTED A KOALA. LIFE GOALS ACCOMPLISHED. I also got bit on the finger by an emu, but am ok. Devil bird.

5. Bondi Beach--awesome beach with very blue water and beautiful cliffs on either side. They call lifeguards "lifesavers" over here.

6. Botanical Gardens--got caught in a rainstorm today, but the gardens were still beautiful. Managed to see 2 flocks of wild cockatoos (yes, seriously!) and got one to sit on my foot. Then it tried to eat my jeans.

Plus we've just been walking around the city and doing a little bit of shopping here and there. We rode a ferry to Circular Quay (pronounced "key"), which is part of the Harbor, and saw the amusement park where Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen filmed part of "Our Lips Are Sealed." (One of the girls is a fan of them--she flipped out when she saw it. Pretty funny.)

We've been exploring the restaurant scene here too--so far I've had fish & chips, Portuguese chicken (my new favorite), and quite a bit of Chinese food, seeing as how our hostel is just a few blocks from Chinatown. Tomorrow is our free day--I think a group of us are going to the Museum of Australia (it supposedly has a dinosaur exhibit), then shopping for souvenirs during the afternoon, and then going to Luna Park at night. Luna Park is a small theme park and it's really pretty when it's lit up at night--mainly I'm just going for the Ferris wheel.

I've taken a ton of pictures and I can't wait to show them to you. See you soon!

Katie

Serously? This message from around the world is from this baby girl? Oh, yes. I remember now. I blinked and she grew up!

I Shouldn't Be Wasting Your Time; I Should be Writing. Or Folding Laundry.

Of course, there is another option. The Bee Gees would say to me, "You should be Dancin'--YEAH."

But I'm bloggin'--YEAH!

Yes, randomness ahead.

This is the point in the day when I had planned to sit myself down and write or edit a piece for my column next Saturday.

But instead I'm checking FB, eating a protein bar, reading Francis Chan's Crazy Love and talking to you because I'm a little stuck for ideas.

Some people say if you just start writing, inspiration will come.

I think inspiration went to the lakes for the weekend or something.

So what's up with you? Speaking of asking what you're doing, that makes me think of Twitter. I'm still trying to figure Twitter out because isn't it merely a glorified FB status update?

And isn't blogging like an extended play Tweet?

Elsewhere in my brain: I'm not up on all the latest about John and Kate, but I hope they pull it all together. I think marriages are like cars; they need regular tune-ups. All marrieds should have stickers on their bodies somewhere saying, "Next counseling appointment 10/27/09 or After Three Held Grudges, whichever comes first."

That is all.

I should be writin'--YEAH.

5 Faves of Spring? Some Things I've Wanted to Share With You for a While But Couldn't Decide How to Lump Them Together Until Now

5 Faves of Spring Thanks to Susanne at Living to Tell the Story

Potholes.
Welcome to my town's version of The Le Brea Tar Pits.
Yes, I actually got out of my car and took this picture just for you because it belongs in the "I Know You Think I Make This Stuff Up" category. This is a sure sign of spring in our town, which inexplicably boasts some of the worst roads in a state with some of the worst roads in the country. This thing is about 6" deep, so you can imagine what happens when you hit one like this; you almost lose your teeth. Or your car, if it's a Honda.


















The further demise of our drive-in theater. According to this AARP publication, Indiana ranks 3rd in the nation behind New York and PA, respectively, in numbers of drive-in theaters. I myself have never been to one, although this one has been here long enough that Abe Lincoln once took in a couple of matinees before he moved to Illinois. Just kidding. Mamie Eisenhower actually car hopped here. Kidding! Hard to say what the last move shown here was. Looks like "The Exorcist Los Lobos for Sktr. Tr." Apparently, one of those artsy films.

I know that you think the sign on the screen above says "Ski-Hi" as in "Sport of Snow-Hello" but it is actually pronounced, "Sky-High." We Hoosiers have traditionally been ahead of the pack when it come to things like destroying the spelling of words when naming things so that you can never look them up for info because you didn't think to spell the name that funky sort of illiterate way. In short, Al Gore did not invent texting lingo. We did. Or "We done it."

Jorge doing manly things outside with a head lamp.
Recently Big Mama posted about finding her husband, "P," with a head lamp on. I couldn't believe it because Jorge really enjoys this thing, too. This is a pic of him starting our first fire of the year, but it was so dark he needed to see to start it, so he brought out the trusty miner's head lamp. Of course, everywhere he looks, he lights up his life. And the neighbors' lives. It's a little embarrassing. Sometimes in the mornings, he puts this thing on if he wants to gather his clothes for the day but not turn on the overhead light and wake me up. So he thinks wearing this search light will not disturb me. Imagine waking up thinking, "OH my gosh! I'm having Lasik!"


The Spring Choral Concert. I'll be posting more on this later. My kid is on the far left. You know, the one that clearly shines even though she's in the shadows.

Cardinals.
OK, this is pretty sweet. This is Charlie Cardinal, Ball State University's mascot. I live in a college town. The cardinal is our state bird. Just looking at this green grass against his scarlet plumage makes me want to tweet. Oh that reminds me; I joined Twitter this week, but I don't know why. I think I need more details to attend to in my life; yeah, that's it!


What are your 5 faves of spring?

American Idol, Shakespeare, and Can You Match the Slogans with the Products?

American Idol: First of all, can you believe the American Idol finale? When was the last time you saw so much talent in one place, besides the Lawrence Welk show or the Muncie community theater?!

Seriously. I felt my adrenaline surge during "We Are the Champions," and I felt my stomach go in a knot (in a bad way) just as I did as a kid when my older brother loved KISS. And although Rod Stewart looked a little unstable on his feet, he's still got it. Plus, he is still skinny, which is important when you're Rod Stewart. He is one person who can just never get away with anything else, you know? I mean, even Cher could get chubby before Rod.

I don't know why Cyndi Lauper sat like that. I knew you wanted me to address that issue. "Ladies" shouldn't sit that way. Especially middle aged menopausal ladies. Ick.

Steve Martin? How did he get this gig? I mean, he's an all right performer, but with those big names on the stage, how did he manage this?

Oh, I could go on, but this show is why we watch every season, and somehow, it just seems to get better and better.

Am I a better person for watching AI? No, I am not. I am, however, a highly entertained one, which is not as noble but at least I'm honest.

One last thing: Yay Kris.

Shakespeare:


You may not watch The Office, but I must tell you that if you have ever worked in an office, there was a scene that you would relate to: the filthy office microwave.

Such is is my life.

So the receptionist, Pam, made a sign and posted it on the top of the microwave about cleaning up after one's self after using the microwave. Her co-workers hated this sign.

Today, it was not the microwave, but a plastic bucket of fruit with a lid that had sat for several days in our sink until you couldn't tell the kiwi from the ewwwweee.

Now it's not often that my present life, secretary, collides with my past life, English major, but today, before I even had time to think about it, as I approached the dreaded bucket, Shakespeare said to my head, "Something wicked this way comes."






If ever a bucket deserved to have "Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble" chanted over it, it was this Rubbermaid bucket.

It sure looked like someone had cooked up a pot of poisoned entrails, eye of newt, and toe of frog.

So I did what any Pam-worthy secretary would do. I snuck it outside and pitched it.

Shhh. Don't tell anyone. Oh wait. My co-workers sometimes read this blog.

Match the Slogan with the Product:

In other work news, yesterday we had a giant meeting to discuss the relevancy and viability of our church's mission statement: "Know, Grow, Go."

Shakespeare would be proud.

So as we discussed the statement, a couple of us came up with alternative ones just in case we decided to 86 the current one, my favorite one being, "I Hope You Dance" which was so random that it completely cracked me up.

That got me to thinking about branding and mission statements, and I was wondering if we should just work with what has proven successful elsewhere, that is, famous advertising slogans. So I adapted some; see what you think. Try plugging your church's name in there and see if it doesn't make you giggle. And can you match the famous slogan with the product?

• Union Chapel: A little dab'll do ya. (Especially when you work there all week.)
  

• Union Chapel is the place for the helpful hardware man. (Things get broked.)
  

• A day without Union Chapel is like a day without sunshine. (Uh, this must not include my desk because sometimes, I don't emit sunshine.)
  

• Union Chapel: All you add is love. (And volunteers, and programs, and sick babies and smelly middle school boys. Now we're closer.)
  

• Union Chapel: the San Francisco treat. (Seriously doubt San Fran would consider our theology a treat.)
  

• Union Chapel, take me away. (Ohh, so you want to go on a missions trip!)
  

• Union Chapel: Celebrate the Moments of Your Life. (Kinda cute.)
  

• How do you spell relief? U-n-i-o-n C-h-a-p-e-l

• In the valley of the Jolly, "Ho, ho, ho," Union Chapel. (At least it's reminiscent of Psalm 23.)
  

• Be all that you can be: Union Chapel (Yes, please volunteer today.)
  

• If I've only one life, let me live it as a Union Chapel member! (Sounds like a religious Patrick Henry.)
  

• Just do it. Union Chapel. (I'm kind of liking this one. It's like "stop making excuses and get plugged in.")
  

• Union Chapel: It's the cheesiest. (That's a great one! Especially for youth ministry!)
  

• It's the real thing: Union Chapel!

• Like a good neighbor, Union Chapel is there. (Not half bad.)
  

• Union Chapel: It takes a licking and keeps on ticking.
  

• Look, Ma, no sinners! (Not hardly, but funny!)

So do you know which products these slogans were originally written for?

H to the 0 (H20) 30 x 5

Excuse me while I crack open a tall, cold bottle of Sam's Purified drinking water. (Ahhh. Nothing but the good stuff for me.)

A quick twist, and pop goes the plastic ring which annoys me by staying on the bottle like a bracelet. Then I take that cap for a counter-clockwise do-si-do, lift it off and chug the H20, Baby. That's what I've been doing this last week, and I hope you've embraced this facet of the 30 x 5, as well.

Hey. Where did you go? Oh, to the bathroom.

Good. Maybe we can continue this conversation from inside the stalls because I'm right behind you. Apparently, according to the pic, we're going to the restroom for women with one arm.

Some enlightenments and developments have occurred as I began this water guzzling journey:

• I am the fastest go-er to the bathroom in town. I've been so often in the last week that I've streamlined the process to near art-form. I shall spare you the details. You're welcome.
• I know where many, many public restrooms are, including places you might not think of right away. Starbucks? That's for spoiled sissies. Try this on for size: Hotel lobbies. Bowling alleys. The cheap haircut place. (I know; I'm sharing way too much information.)
  
• I am more thirsty. Yes, you read that right. I was aiming for 8 x 8 (64 ozs), but because my water bottles hold 20 ozs each, I've been drinking 80 oz. And guess what. It's making me cotton-mouthed and thirsty.

Apparently, this is a pretty common phenomenon, according the Internet. There are several theories about this, but one theory is that I have awakened my thirst sensors which were dormant before.

Well. You don't say.

I've learned that when we eat a lot and don't drink water, we get used to getting hydration through food instead of liquid. So we actually feel hunger (real pangs!) when what we really need is water.

All of my life, I have never really enjoyed drinking, except for a great cup of coffee in the morning. Now that I truly enjoy. But I never enjoyed beverages with my meals or got all excited about new flavors of sodas, etc. And when I went out to eat with others, they would have their glasses refilled many times while I sat there with the initial glass of water barely touched.

And I rarely felt thirsty. You see where this is going.

I ate my water. With some extra calories thrown in just for kicks, and menopause loves extra calories like Paula Abdul loves Adam Lambert. Not good news for weight management.

So I fully expected this endeavor to be really difficult, but it turns out, SHAZAM! I like water! I crave it! And no, I'm sure I'm not diabetic. My hydration switch has been flipped, that's all.

Now, it is possible to drink too much water, but even at 100 ozs, I'm not near that limit yet, so no worries.

I just can't get over it. I think I've had more water in this one week than I've had in my entire life. Maybe that's why I'm so thirsty. Maybe my hydration level is only as current as 1975, so I've got a lot of catching up to do!

How about you this week; did you drink more? (Water, you cad. Or cad-ette.) How did you feel?

I do not follow nor advocate the Adkins Diet, but I did enjoy this Adkins article which delineates all of the benefits and interesting factoids about water.

One last tip: crushed strawberries in water. Wonderful.

OK--onto week two of 30 x 5 Phase 3--keep sipping that water! We finish May 26!

Do You Remember the First Time You Were Pulled Over?

That is my baby in the picture, driving with a permit. She is about to get her driver's license. But first, she has to learn to parallel park.

I would like to stop right here and ask Al Gore why he even invented parallel parking in the first place. Was he just having a bad day? Is he a maniacal genius who invents Internets AND impossible parking situations?

And why does PP (parallel parking) have to be on a driver's test because real drivers go out of their way to avoid parallel parking. It's like singing; either you're gifted with the ability to parallel park or you're not. I belong to the "not" club.

Anyway, Jorge took Kristin to a small nearby town called Albany to practice antiquated stunt driving techniques also known as parallel parking.

Slowly they pulled in and out. At one point, Jorge drew a diagram to show her something.

In the rearview, Jorge noticed someone following them but didn't say anything to Kristin so as not to upset her.

A few minutes later, they saw red lights behind them, and Jorge gently coached her about pulling over.

The officer said, "Do you know why I pulled you over?"

Can you imagine how she felt?

She answered no.

"We received a call saying that someone was driving suspiciously slow through the neighborhood, writing down license plate numbers."

Jorge explained what they were doing.

At this point, a man in a BMW pulled up and said, "They're the ones who were writing down plate numbers!"

The officer, clearly annoyed with this jerk gentleman, did not even address him but waved him on dismissively.

So the officer left, and Jorge tells me that Kristin became upset. Poor thing. It's stressful for any driver to be pulled over, let alone one who doesn't even have a license yet.

Silver lining: At least her dad was with her the first time she was pulled over. Now it's out of the way; she knows what to do if/when there's a next time.

But we cannot figure out what crime people are planning to commit by writing down license plate numbers. Do you know?

And what person couldn't discern that this was a girl with her dad learning to park?

So, do you remember the first time you were pulled over or any other time with an interesting twist? 'Fess up!

Weekend Update (Copyscape, Star Trek, Mice, and Australia)

For those of you born after 1976, that's Jane Curtin doing SNL's "Weekend Update." Just looking at her fake intense-but-pleasant anchor stare cracks me up.

So on with my weekend update, although it would be better if I had a co-anchor to banter with. Any volunteers for bantering?



Copyscaping. I've noticed a big to-do recently over plagiarism. It seems several of my blogging friends' posts have been "compromised."

("Compromised" because this weekend I saw the Star Trek movie, so I'm feeling rather ... unemotional, logical and highly intelligent. Great movie, btw. One finally worth the ticket price.)

I would like to note that I did check my blog at the Copyscape site to see if my writing has been ripped off. (There goes the intelligent talk. Smartness by Spock immersion is a short-lived phenomenon, apparently.)

And now, the shocking revelation to that query: Nope.

I should be happy, right?

I should be happy that no one thought my writing clever or witty or informative enough to steal. They're like, "What a mess. I could do better." And so they're off to steal yours.

Therefore, I do not have the headaches that those of you being plagiarized must bear. The moral of this post is:

Sometimes it's better to be Adam West than Val Kilmer.
Better to be Peter Scolari than Tom Hanks.
Better to be George Costanza than George Clooney.
Rhoda Morgenstern than Mary Richards.

Here's to all the "B" people--no one's stealin' our stuff, and we don't have to dodge the paparazzi. It's good to be average. Yeah, not great or anything, just ... sorta OK.

This joker has moved into a house on campus with three other guys this summer. Do not panic; they are all good, solid characters. It is the first summer he has not moved home.

I asked him what he was going to do about sleeping because he wouldn't have his dorm bed, and he said, "Somebody gave me a mattress."

Ugh.

All the mothers out there say, "Ugh."

(Collective "Ugh.")

So I said, "What about a frame and box springs?"

He said, "I'm just going to put the mattress on the floor."

Oh my.

Jorge said for me to look at this as Jordan's summer of camping in a house. I think that's a helpful perspective.

So last night was his first night in the house. We called him today to see how things are going, and he said, "There are mice in this house."

Not good. The boy doesn't even like centipedes, let alone mice.

So he is having a whole new life experience.

How much do you want to bet that mattress gets moved off the floor tonight?!

This one made it to Australia and is living it up. Here is an excerpt from her email:

Right now it's 4:08 p.m. here and we've just returned from our first full day of sightseeing--we took a tour of the Sydney Opera House and then walked around an area called The Rocks (don't worry, it's not a "bad" place as the name might make it seem.)

This cracks me up because she is totally cutting me off at the pass on worrying.

The hostel is really nice and clean, and we've already been to a seafood barbecue that was on the rooftop last night--fresh shrimp, salmon, and calamari! It was SO GOOD. I also tried Vegemite this morning at breakfast on my toast, and it was the most awful thing I've ever tasted. It's super salty and vinegar-y and disgusting, although it looks like Nutella.

From her comment and all the comments made on this blog about Vegemite, I believe it's safe to say it's in the proverbial "acquired taste" category.

So that's the weekend update. Good night and have a pleasant tomorrow.

PS: Still waiting on Amy.
PPS: Drinking 80 oz of water a day (4 20oz bottles). Yes, you read that right.

Did you do anything fun this weekend?

What Not To ... Say to Amy Grant

So I won this contest in which the biggest prize is a phone call from Amy Grant. This is an event beyond excitement for me. It is also an anxiety-inducing event. Please read and share in my delirium as I await Amy's call.

Oh, the Amy Grant anxiety.

Let me try to explain what this is like. The anxiety is two-fold.

Part of the trauma is that I don't know when the call is coming, so it's kind of like waiting for the UPS man to bring me something of great value, like a Snuggie.

I just keep watching out the window [actually, checking the phone] like a cat on the back of a sofa, mindlessly watching and waiting. The world is not missing a beat around me, but I am not part of that world. Because at some point ... Amy Grant is going to call me.

Every time I come home, I make a beeline to check the messages, tripping over the dog on the way. The poor little thing thinks the routine is a new game: "Yay! It's the Amy Grant phone race again! Woot!" And so she takes off like she's been shot out of a cannon because this is apparently what you do when Amy Grant is going to call you someday in the future. You panic today. And you tangle up your owner's feet.

Surely, Amy Grant's "people" will call to set up a time for the call. Because something tells me Amy Grant wouldn't want to play phone tag with me.

But what if they don't call, and one evening I let my guard down and the phone rings and it's ... Amy Grant.

I just got a knot in my stomach. Because here is part two of the trauma: What to say.

And Jorge is not helpful.

Me: "What in the world do I say to someone whose music has meant more than words can say for so many years?"

Him: You say, "Hey, Ames."

I don't think so.

Or how about when I was at work:

[Ring ]

Me: "Oneighty. This is Linda. May I help you?"

Jorge in a monotone voice: "It's Amy Grant."

Me: "I don't think so."

So you can see that he is thoroughly enjoying watching my anxiety unfold over something that should bring nothing but joy. So maybe you can have compassion on me and tell me what you would say to her. Because ... gulp ... I won a contest, and Amy Grant is going to call me. Unbelievable.

Friday's Fave Five--You Must Read All the Way to Number One or I May Burst

I'm jumping back into the Friday's Fave Five carnival hosted by Susanne at
Living to Tell the Story.





#5: Kids Who Cannot Resist Being Goofy in Pictures Even Though They're Not Eight Years Old Anymore















Being fed up with the antics, I commanded them, "DON'T smile. Don't!" Thus the look of confusion on Katie's face below and the normalcy of the other two due to shock value of their mother screaming "DON'T SMILE" in a crowd of smiling people. Kinda like "Scared Straight." Score.















4: The new dress. It's official 90% of everything I own now from furniture to wallpaper to clothing to dishes is black or white or black and white. Who says I'm a trend follower? Also, official count: the bookstore manager ordered 100 books, and we sold 55. People are nice.




















3: I have been drinking 80 oz. per day. I have been evacuating 80 times per hour, too, but what's a little inconvenience compared to ultimate health? It's a big pain, that's what it is. But I'm committed. So a-flushing we will go.







2: The season finale of my favorite TV show: Charlie's Angels.












1: I won the grand prize in BooMama's Amy Grant Giveaway which has as its main thrillapolooza factor a phone call from Amy Grant.

If you think this anxiety-ridden blogger isn't working up a post over this impending event, then who are you and why are you here.

Because: Seriously. Amy. Grant.

There are no words.

And that could be a problem during a phone call.