Wednesday, August 15, 2007

First Day of High School














First day of Pre-K, First day of High School

I am really struggling, guys.

I am struggling with the energy and enthusiasm it takes to do life right now. I have no desire to blog, work, cook, or read. Last night I didn't sleep well and ended up taking a sleep aid. I think it was because of all the changes our family is going through.

This morning I sent my baby off to her first day of high school. Seems like just yesterday she had two little pig tails and a Fisher Price Little People Townhouse perpetually open and taking up space. I'll always remember Little People family members strewn all over the floor, which we would daily bruise our arches on, along with the inexplicable presence of a Little People cowboy with a yellow hat. I can still hear her say, "You wan' pay Yiddle Peopo Wish me, Mommy?" Why, oh why, did I ever say, "Not now, maybe later"? That is the coward mom's way of saying, "No, there are more important things than you right now." I just feel sick today, tearing up as I type this. I miss my little girl so much.

And yet I am so, so proud of her now. Forget the roller coasters at Busch Gardens; I'm my own crazy ride.

I do want to praise God, though, because when I picked her and her friend up after school, they were in a very good mood, and everything went smoothly today. A few days ago, when I took her in to school to register, we stood in the empty commons area at her locker. I said, "Look up there," pointing to a window display on the inside of the building above her locker. "You can kind of use that flag as a guide when you're trying to remember where your locker is." She didn't say much.

As we pulled in the driveway today (about a 15 minute drive home) she said, "I even remembered where my locker was by the end of the day." "Oh," I replied, "Did you use the flag I mentioned?" And she smiled and said, "Yeah." And that made me feel really, really, good.

Right now, she's hugging a pillow and lolling around on her older sister's bed, sharing details of the day. Words cannot describe how I feel as I watch their interaction; I am filled with pride for both girls, with thanksgiving for God's goodness and mercy for all of my bad mom moments, and hope for their futures.

But if you have the chance to play Little People or some such game today with your baby, please do. Everything else, everything else, can wait.





22 comments:

Jen said...

hope she has a good day and a good year

Kelli said...

Tomorrow, Kati starts high school. She's homeschooling, but still. It's SO HUGE.

Ladytink_534 said...

Thank you for your comment!

High School was so much fun... well if I try to forget all the drama that was involved ;o). It still seems strange to me that I only graduated 2 years ago.

Susanne said...

Linda, tearing up here. I so know what you are going through. Sometimes I wish we got one day a year per child that we could relive a day with them as preschoolers. But I wouldn't trade today. Crazy, like you said.

Do you guys consider grade 9 or 10 high school? Our kids are in the seperate system here so high school is considered grade 10 - 12. My son starts high school right after labor day.

oh amanda said...

I have tears in my eyes. My daughter is 19 months old. I'll be taking your advice!

Tammy said...

I am really, really trying not to cry here...I just want to reach through the computer screen and give you a hug...
How many times do I tell my children just a minute when they ask me to play with them...even while I feel their childhood passing through my fingers like sand.
OK...no use, I'm crying now.

Please know, dear Linda, that we all probably get to the point where you are in parenting and have a few regrets...but I can tell just by my time knowing you, that you were - and still are- a very loving mom.

May God give you a sense of peace as your children go on to the next level.

And your words will be echoing in my mind...I will think of them in the coming weeks, especially with my youngest when she begs me to play with her barn and horses. And hopefully, they will spur me to actually get down on the floor with her instead of my endless "just a minutes".

(((HUGS)))

Big Mama said...

I am so guilty of the "just a minute" and "not nows". Thank you for your beautiful reminder that time is short and she'll be starting high school before I know it.

Great, great writing, Linda.

Michele@Philoxenos said...

I can't even count how many times I said "Just a minute" today to my two little girls. Good reminder, thanks.

Melanie said...

We are already past Little People, but I am ready to play some Barbie after this post. Thanks, Linda!

Laura said...

Linda - you got me crying too. But I'm confident like the others are that for all the "not nows" you said, you said many, many more "yes, let's play!" And you're still doing that.

You're a wise, wise woman, Linda. I want to drink deeply of that wisdom today.

samurai said...

You're killing me... my little girl starts kindergarden... I don't even want to think about it...

And the "Not now" thing... somebody pull this dagger out of my heart... and not just about the ones with my little girl... but my sons as well...

Susan said...

I'm feeling your pain and sharing your tears. Our oldest begins his senior year in high school in a couple of weeks. Our youngest begins 6th grade...the last one in his last year at the same elementary school all three have attended for kindergarten-sixth. I can only imagine how I'll be this time next year, sending our first born off to college. I'm already thinking about it and determining to take lots of photos this year, spend (as much time as he'll let me) time with him and tons of FFF (Forced Family Fun).

Hugs and blessings!

Kim said...

It sounds like we are in the same boat, as I'm on the same ride as you. Although, my baby girl isn't starting High School.....she's preparing to move 1000's of miles away to participate in YWAM.

I'll be praying for you...as I pray for myself...and all the changes we are facing!!

Mary said...

My daughter starts jr high next week. It makes me sad too. But I am so proud of her. Found your blog via Christine @ Fruit In Season. You work @ One-eighty! That's awesome. We modeled our youth group after you guys . . . Erik Lawson was here last year for back to school bash! Great blog! Nice to meet ya!

msdebbiea said...

. . .sigh, yes, we're on the same ride, so often is seems. As I'm experiencing some of these same emotions and sleepless nights, you pop in my mind and I'm always eager to log into your blog to see how you're handling these challenges~~consider it an expression of admiration of your gift of sharing yourself with others and your continous display of trusting Him, always! I'm thinking of you~~~

melissapedsrn said...

Linda....I have been feeling the same way for weeks. My son starts his junior year of high school on Tues, and I keep telling myself to savor every moment before he too, like my daughters, spreads his wings and is off to college. I have been blessed with the best kids ever (as everyone feels about their kids :) ), I dont know what I did to deserve such sweethearts, but I thank God every day they are mine. I try and tell them every day, too. Bless you. Melissa

melissapedsrn said...

Linda....I have been feeling the same way for weeks. My son starts his junior year of high school on Tues, and I keep telling myself to savor every moment before he too, like my daughters, spreads his wings and is off to college. I have been blessed with the best kids ever (as everyone feels about their kids :) ), I dont know what I did to deserve such sweethearts, but I thank God every day they are mine. I try and tell them every day, too. Bless you. Melissa

Roxanne said...

After I read your post, I accidentally got bumped off the computer. . .I started to log back on, but then thought better of it and went and spent some time with my girl. She's now in bed after having had Mommy to herself for a couple of hours. :)

Cindy Swanson said...

Once again you've touched my heart, Linda! I think every mom has those times we look back on that we wish we had stopped to play with our kids. You can't be guilt-ridden about it, although it definitely does bring regret.

I've raised my kids...no turning back. But I agree with Linda...if you're the mommy to little ones now,enjoy every single second of it! It goes by way too fast.

mrs incredible said...

your post made me cry like a baby.

she's a beautiful girl, you did a great job.

Susan said...

How VERY SWEET...and sentimental!! I am going through some of these moments myself lately and I'm amazed at how fast they DO grow.

:-) Susan

Nise' said...

I was so right where you are now last year as my youngest started high school, middle child in college and oldest out and beginning her new career and struggling with the "did I do a good enough job" feeling/prayer. Just now, a year later, the Lord is answering that prayer and showing me that with His help I did okay through watching the decisions and choices my older kids are now making. I was wondering if anything I taught them made a difference and it has... Prasie the Lord! I still mourn the loss of having them around and needing me!! Hang in there my friend.