Wednesday, November 24, 2010


This afternoon, my mother called to tell me something very important: my dad accidentally spiked her coffee ... with caffeine.

This is a MAJOR event.

We have a very reverent fear of caffeine in our family. It works on us like amphetamines in the bloodstreams of spider monkeys.

For about 40 years, my parents have eschewed caffeine. They drank Sanka before the decaf option became well-known. Every restaurant order is punctuated at beginning and end with "DECAF, please." And then when the server comes to warm up the coffee, she may be asked again, "That IS decaf, right?"

But a couple of years ago, along came Dr. Oz. You know, the famous Mehmet Oz of Oprah. The other Gayle.

And we (my parents) believe in Dr. Oz. Oh yes we do.

Lately, Dr. Oz has been touting the benefits of caffeine. Normally, someone spewing this kind of nonsense would be blackballed from my parents' TV.

But this is Dr. Oz.

So my mom called me to tell me that they bought a coffee maker and some REAL coffee.

Frankly, I thought I was talking to someone else's mom for a minute.

She gave my dad strict instructions that went something like this: "We will try a half cup in the morning only. Half real, half decaf. In the morning."

Dad washed the new machine and set it up to go. This afternoon they had coffee, which my DAD fixed. And you guessed it--he opened the real coffee and drugged my mom.

She said, "NORRRRRmally, whenIhavecaffeineIjusttalkandtalkandtalk. Doesn't seemtobedoingthat to me today."

Uh, it was doing that today.

So they are all prepared with their Tylenol PM for tonight because otherwise, they will be like owls all night. Both of them. And then I will get a recap phone call tomorrow about "the night no one slept." I think Dr. Oz should take the call.

Does caffeine affect you?


BARBIE said...

I think I am immune to caffeine now. I used to drink coffee and be up all night, but now I can drink it into the evening and still sleep. Only on rare occasions does it keep me up. Am too old to reap the benefits of a pick me up I guess.

The Bug said...

I only wish it would give me a burst of energy, but it only makes me a jittery couch potato. I do have trouble sleeping if I drink it too close to bedtime. But then again I don't really drink very much of it, so who knows what would happen if I actually drank COFFEE (blech). Heh.

"Just Me - NC Beth" said...

Hilarious!! Loved this! And yes, caffeine affects me also! What I have been doing now for quite some time is buying the "half and half" coffee, already mixed together. But hubby decided to buy a BIG container from Sam's and they did not have the mixture, so for now it's straight now when I have my normal 3-4 cups every morning, my heart lets me know I've gone overboard with the caffeine! Which is a bummer!!!


LynnMarie said...

I have 3 cups of Decaf in the morning! So is there enough caffeine in that to count? I like the taste of decaf better, don't know why, just do. At night I have a decaf vanilla chi tea or flavored water. Hope your parents got some sleep or they will be on the phone to you all day...

Anonymous said...

I quit caffeine cold turkey with each pregnancy and boy did THAT affect me, so yes, caffeine did have some impact on me and does now. I limit myself to two caffeinated beverages a day and I still feel them. Thankfully. i don't know how I would get going without my coffee in the AM.

Neisa said...

That was too funny. Caffeine has no real affect on me. In the morning it does help me wake up, but I have a cup of coffee every night after dinner and still get to bed on time. My great-grandmother used to put cafe con leche in my cornflakes! Drove my mom crazy.

Tabi said...

That's too funny, imagine if they had a full cup or several cups of real coffee like most people drink! I have to have my coffee and noticed over this last semester that I drink it more and more but if I drink more than one cup without food then I am a jittery anxious fool. Need my food, then coffee.

Susanne said...

LOL. That's exactly how too much caffiene affects me. I talk lots and really fast. I used to be able to drink coffee all day long right up to bedtime and it never bothered me. Now I have to stop by early afternoon or I cannot fall asleep. Bummer, I love the coffee and DECAF is just not the same.

Momma Morgan said...

HaHa! This is soo cute! Love the.. "don'tseemtobedoing that today" part! If I drink it too late in the day, I'll be up all nite.. BUT I have to have my coffee!

Mocha with Linda said...

That's funny.

I used to say caffeine didn't affect me, but I can tell it does if I drink it too late in the day.

Recovering Church Lady said...

So funny! My parents do the half decaf thing too. I did not know it at first and wondered why their coffee always tasted so wimpy!

I love coffee and drink several cups in the morning but when my hands start shaking I know I had too many. can't have it late in the day due to horrible nights of tossing and turning.
Not a very interesting comment I know, just answering the question.

Angie said...

I don't drink caffenated beverages because they upset my stomach. A few years ago my daughter purchased a holiday beverage at Starbucks and it smelled so good. A few days later I offered to take her so I could try the smelled that good. I drank it down, enjoying the flavor, until about 15 minutes into it, my stomach starting acting like a wringer washing machine. I was driving and doubled over the steering wheel moaning in pain. I then asked, what's in that thing?" And she answered, "Espresso!" Lovely. I thought I was going to die! Last caffenated beverage I've had. Fun memories.

Anonymous said...

I am a naturally person. I used to drink two 20oz Mt. Dews a day but not for the caffeine. I liked the taste. I gave them up in September.

I haven't had a soda since, and I've never grown up and, thus, do not drink coffee. So, the only time I get caffeine now is when I take Excedrin Migraine, which has 60 mg. THAT is when I can feel the caffeine doing its magic, but it's a good thing as, at the same time, I feel my headache dissipating.

I do hope your parents get some sleep.

Kim said...

I absolutely, positively, must not, cannot drink caffeine after 2 p.m. or I will be just like those owls you pictured. I once had coffee at a Greek festival at 11 in the morning and was awake the whole night (the fact that it was thick like sludge and served in itty bitty cups should have alerted me to its potency but I was young and naive back then). Since decaf is virtually unheard of where we live now, I must limit myself to one cup each morning. I do miss good decaf!

Joan Ela said...

hi there. i just came across your blog and i found it really fun. your parents seem to be a really sweet couple. i have been a caffeine lover ever since i got into college. it developed even more when i started to work. i never liked decaf.

Melanie said...

I really did laugh out loud when I read this!
Man, if you could have come to my parents' home with us for TGiving, you would have hilarious fodder from rural Mississippi, too!