Thursday, February 22, 2007

Holy Smoke?

Today at work, I took a cookie out of a box in a freezer in our break room. To be honest, I'm not sure who the rightful owner of the cookie box is, but a lot of our stuff in the breakroom is communal property, except for those labeled items and a couple of cabinets whose contents are designated for students or others. At least this is how it was explained to me when we moved in our new building a few years ago.

Still, I always feel a little sheepish when I snag a cookie or couple of pieces of candy from this room. Sort of like the Disciples must've felt when they were snapping off heads of wheat in the fields on the Sabbath, and the Pharisees questioned Jesus about that dubious activity. I'll bet they felt a little weird, thinking, "You know, they have a point. We're technically working here." But Jesus basically said, "I made the Sabbath. I own the Sabbath. I say they can have some Wheat Thins because they're hungry." Only I'm not working, I'm stealing. A shade different, I guess.

Since I'm just like the Apostles and all, I said to Jesus today, "Jesus, I'm hungry. And, you know, I am fasting coffee for Lent." I know I had a holy expression on my face. I sensed strongly (in my tummy) that Jesus was probaby saying, "Mi casa es su casa. Go ahead, good Secretary." (Not many people realize Jesus is bilingual. Or that I am a good secretary.)

I put the frozen cookie in the microwave on a paper towel, set it to 30 secs., and walked away to do some urgent ... filing. A couple of minutes later I rememebered my cookie, went back to the room and found it billowing with smoke!

I had set the timer wrong, apparently, or maybe it was a symbol of where stealers spend eternity!

I screamed to one of our associate pastors to call the alarm company because I saw no flames and knew who was to blame. I mean I knew how the accident happened (passive voice bears no blame). We didn't need no screamin' fire trucks.

So she called them and the administrative pastor, and I ran around flailing dish rags trying to clear the smoke, reminiscent of Chicken Little in a meteorite shower.

Our coffee shop manager came to my rescue with a giant blower that they use to dry industrial carpets. He made the remark, "Looks like you should've fasted sweets instead of coffee, doesnt it?" Hmph. Just like a Pharisee, walkin' around with all the smart answers, don't you think?

I had to open my boss's window in freezing weather to air out his office. He was at lunch. I dreaded his return.

When I left at 2:00, the boss had forgiven me, I think, but the building still reeked and the blower still blew. When I got home, I had a raw throat and headache to beat the band. I smelled like I'd been in a house afire. And I guess I had.

Let no one say that the flame of the Spirit has gone out at Oneighty. Holy smokes!


Susanne said...

I really am not laughing my head off at you, I'm laughing with you! Right? You are laughing there, aren't you? Okay I'm laughing at you. What are friends for? :vD

Melanie said...

I have burned a lot of popcorn, but never a cookie.

You could have used the pyro special FX as a "promo" for your partnership with Blood and Fire. :>)

Poor, poor cookie.

Clemntine said...

Funny stuff, Linda! I can just see the smoke billowing away while you look all "passive voice"-like!


Anonymous said...

Oh my goodness, Linda!! Now THAT'S a story! I'm sure you're going to hear about it over again at the office. Glad everyone and everything (except the cookie, of course) is OK.

:-) Susan

Linda said...

I have a bunch of comedian blogging friends! You guys crack me up. Today I have to go in and face the music. I wonder if that blower went all night long? My clothes from yesterday smell just like a house fire. This is really bad.

Melanie said...

That was either one powerful microwave or one fat-filled cookie. You may be the first person to start a grease fire in a microwave.

There should be warning labels on those things!

"Do not warm this cookie in the microwave. It may spontaneously ignite embarrassment and discomfort in the work place."

samurai said...

I'm sorry Linda - but I couldn't help but laugh. Not at you mind you... but with you. :)

may God's grace continue to reign in your life this weekend. :)

Roxanne said...

I say, wash your hair, throw the clothes in the laundry, then bake yourself the biggest batch of cookies you can. . .warm from the oven. . .NOT the microwave.

Susie said...

This is so clever! I love your storytelling! Hilarious. I think true stories are definitely more funny than made up ones. Best wishes on fasting coffee. I did it for one month a few months ago and it was pretty hard.