Wednesday, June 18, 2008
45 and Seeing Red. A Post for Women Only.
Seeressly, if you're not female, you can't read this. Males are too ... "Fra-gee-lay" to handle this stuff.
I am what doctors would label "perimenopausal." That is, I'm in training for menopause.
My body is just practicing menopause. It's not ready to commit yet.
My main symptom is an irregular cycle. This really ticks me off. I used to be regular as clockwork, and that's how I like things in life--on schedule, no surprises. Especially bright red ones.
But here's the thing. I have a mammogram next month. The tech will ask me, "When was your last period?" and I will reply, "June."
Then she will say, "June .... when?"
And I will say, "Just 'June,' woman! Leave me alone!" And then I will feel something other than my poise escaping, and I will be tempted to say a naughty.
Because that has been my life this month, constantly monitoring "the system," fending off stealth attacks. But menopause is smart. It waits until you buy a white skirt and white pants for a conference, and then it smirks and goes, "Really? You wanted to wear white? Because, gee. I was thinking ...NO YOU'RE NOT!" Bwa-haha.
If I get too excited about something, like a vacation to Gatlinburg-ZING!
If I get SLIGHTLY perturbed at work or at home-POW!
If I get nervous about how I'm getting from the airport to the hotel in NC-BAM!
If I get emotional over Father's Day-SLAM!
If I feel pressured to finish a book proposal and get all of my responsibilities done at work before I leave Thursday since the biggest week-long event of the year on our church's calendar begins bright and early Monday morning-ZING, POW, SLAM, BAM!
At that point, I realize there are only a couple of safe outfits for me:
So look out, She Speaks Attendees, for the bloated, scowling lady in red. C'est moi.