Wednesday, June 18, 2008

45 and Seeing Red. A Post for Women Only.

Seeressly, if you're not female, you can't read this. Males are too ... "Fra-gee-lay" to handle this stuff.

I am what doctors would label "perimenopausal." That is, I'm in training for menopause.

My body is just practicing menopause. It's not ready to commit yet.

My main symptom is an irregular cycle. This really ticks me off. I used to be regular as clockwork, and that's how I like things in life--on schedule, no surprises. Especially bright red ones.

But here's the thing. I have a mammogram next month. The tech will ask me, "When was your last period?" and I will reply, "June."

Then she will say, "June .... when?"

And I will say, "Just 'June,' woman! Leave me alone!" And then I will feel something other than my poise escaping, and I will be tempted to say a naughty.

Because that has been my life this month, constantly monitoring "the system," fending off stealth attacks. But menopause is smart. It waits until you buy a white skirt and white pants for a conference, and then it smirks and goes, "Really? You wanted to wear white? Because, gee. I was thinking ...NO YOU'RE NOT!" Bwa-haha.

If I get too excited about something, like a vacation to Gatlinburg-ZING!
If I get SLIGHTLY perturbed at work or at home-POW!
If I get nervous about how I'm getting from the airport to the hotel in NC-BAM!
If I get emotional over Father's Day-SLAM!
If I feel pressured to finish a book proposal and get all of my responsibilities done at work before I leave Thursday since the biggest week-long event of the year on our church's calendar begins bright and early Monday morning-ZING, POW, SLAM, BAM!

At that point, I realize there are only a couple of safe outfits for me:

So look out, She Speaks Attendees, for the bloated, scowling lady in red. C'est moi.


Robin said...

Thanks for visiting my site. I love you post about meno..Those white pants have really given you some trouble! You might need to burn them before the conference..God Bless..Robin

A Stone Gatherer said...

You poor thing! I so understand and feel your pain! Have fun at your conference!

Capri K said...

Hi Linda, de-lurking here to agree that "practicing menopause" bites.
It has always been my dream to have almost uncontrollable periods about 12-15 days apart.
Was complaining to a friend a few years older, and she asked "the blub, blub, blub, run to the bathroom kind?"
Where can I get a dress like yours? Very special.

Chatty Kelly said...

Hopefully red becomes you. And now that you aren't wearing those dang white pants, go eat a candy bar. See there is a bright side to everything, right?

Sorry you're having stress before your big weekend. It is a disappointment. But we'll all be laughing together in 2 days! It you wear that red dress, at least we'll all recognize you! Right now, I'll be looking for the lady with the dog in her lap...and somehow I suspect the dog isn't coming.

sara said...

okay, I am so tired this morning and that has totally made me LOL...great way to start the day.

I am also perimenopausal.....however, I had the pleasure of a hysterectomy 5 years ago....please don't hate me!! That was the best thing that ever happened to me!!!

Good luck at the conference. However, just a tip....I think you need to go talk to Sarah at and find out what they say about women who wear red!

Kimberly said...

I know it's small consolation Linda, but I think YOU LOOK GREAT IN RED.

I'm in training for menopause too. Ain't it fun? I go for months with nothing happening and just when I think I'm past the peri- part and into the meno- part, WHAM, I get one.

Dani said...

This just made me laugh way too loud! I know that is insensitive. I'm sorry, but those red dresses are too fuuny!

I so dread that part of life! Hang in there!

Mocha with Linda said...

Ahh, but don't forget about this!

What a hassle. I feel for you. Praying that She Speaks doesn't turn into She Leaks!

(I'll sign off now. . . !)

thouartloosed said...

Where can I get that dress.
It just gets better and better.

Darlene R. said...

Hey, thanks for the heads-up on the whole perimenopause thing!

I know, my day is comin'...

R.L.Scovens said...

I am 36 and have prayed for early menopause!!! I just want the periods to stop! I need no more is enough...Menopause please come...NOW!!!!

Merrie said...

oh yeah! i DO remember those "wonderful" days... having done that and been there - there is an END in sight (I won't DARE tell you how long...)
On the "natural" side, you can take Evening Primrose and 1000 mg NATURAL "E" (d alpha) every morning and night. I promise it will help all symptoms - maybe not the unknown of the "when" but, the side effects are much better!
It is such a "wonderful" time of life that God in all His wisdom gave to us and not to men - otherwise there would be murder!

Cyndy said...

Mercy...where's a tissue, I need to wipe the tears (from laughing) from my eyes.

I'm almost where you are at. Where as I was unpredictable all my life I'm now predictable. But don't get jealous yet because what is not predictable are the mood swings and other symptoms that go along with it. Something new every month.

Hey I'm just on the hormone roller coaster here...want to join me?

Susanne said...

I think all the ladies going to the conference, in a great show of empathy, should all wear those dresses. Wouldn't that be great?

Seriously, I feel for you, Linda. Hope all is well for the conference with no surprises.

Debbie said...

I definitely feel your pain/frustration. The upside is that the conference is in the south so the dress on the right should be perfect! And like Chatty Kelly said, now there is room for a candy bar - or chocolate no-bakes :)

I'll be praying for smooth travel, transfers, and an awesome experience at the conference. Wish I was going with you.....

Teri said...

You know you rock the peri-menopause, so just go out there work it girl!
Not Quite There Yet.

Anonymous said...

The 'roids are leaving my system, and I've got a bad case of the DTs. We should have coffee and growl at each other...right before we burst into tears.

Barbara H. said...

I feel your pain. :) I was always pretty regular, too, until a year or two ago. Now I never know when it is coming or if it is going to be light or monstrous. I do have, not red, but darker garments I wear on "those days." And I hate that this time of year when I want to wear my lighter stuff.

Kelly @ Love Well said...

Please tell me you know the Chris de Burgh song "The Lady in Red" that was popular back in the mid-80s.

I have never seen that dress you're wearing
Or the highlights in your head that catch your eyes
I have been blind
The lady in red
is dancing with me....

Marina said...

Linda, I feel your pain I haven't had a period in 16 months and not that I don't miss it but I get so up tight all the time maybe I do need a period to feel better LOL!!
I really don't like menopause at all!! But you will be in the south so the dress well do just right.:)

Pam @ said...'s the 40-ish thing...

Roxanne said...

"Look. . .it's Italian. It say, 'Fra-gee-lay.'"

Alas, I am sorry for your body's tendency to send you straight over the edge. You know, sometimes being a female is just. . .beyond words.

I am hoping that you are not bloated and that you can wear your white pants. And if you ARE bloated, just go buy those same white pants one size larger. You will still look GREAT and you won't be worried about how uncomfortable you are. And don't worry about the size, 'cause you are about to go and ROCK at She Speaks.

Michelle said...

Oh HOWL!!!!!!

I feel your pain hon....I seriously feel your pain.

The whole advertising department at my paper thinks I am out to get them!

One girls in classifieds asked me the other day who I made cry that day.

It was in jest, and I really try to do everything with humor, but you know what they every joke there is a kernel of truth. I may have to work on that.

40winkzzz said...

Darn that Eve, anyway. This stuff is all her fault.

Oops, sorry for the Eve-bashing. It's my CRANKY time of month! (Which seems to expand in length and intensity the older I get.)

And just like with Eve, Satan is trying to mess with you big-time. Don't let him win. Get some extra-heavy-duty supplies & some great-looking dark pants, hold your head high, and go out there and rock.

-another Post-40 Peri

PJ said...

Yiks!! I can sooooooo relate. I was in "peri" for like, 5 minutes, before I hit full blown "pause". Complete with desert moments that last at least an hour...I'm not even kidding. I had begun to think the ice pack around my neck was a permanent appendage. Now? 2 years later, desert moments are a civilized 5-10 minutes in length and I don't want to rip all my clothes off -- just the first layer!!! The good thing? That red thing? It's gone. Forever! Hallelujah!!!!!!!

Sandy said...

This is my first time stopping by your blog......and can I ever relate! From one Godly christian women to another I would like to encourage you with these to precious words........perimenopause sucks! OK sorry to sound so abrasive, it must be my hormones attacking my fingers as I type! :) ;)
Red is so in by the way!
Hang in there and enjoy the conference.

Jen said...

Thanks for the laugh!

Jodie said...

Life is cruel.

Rhonda said...

I haven't started to 'practice' yet. I'll be 43 this year. And oh...I so don't want to go there. What are the odds that it might just skip me???!! I thought not. :(

Sarah@Life in the Parsonage said...

I am totally laughing my butt off at this post!! You so crack me up!

"say a naughty" bahahaha!! I'm so gonna steal that one! :)

Sorry about the premenopausal thing though... :)