Friday, August 08, 2008

Catching Up and Another Entry in the Sidebar Category: I Know You Think I Make This Stuff Up

Shocking, Eye-Opening News: Did you know that if you shove someone on an airplane, you could osteensibly cause them to lose their faith AND develop hemorrhoids? I'm Switzerland neutral in this ordeal, but I do find it humorous that hemorrhoids are at the seat of this suit. What really happened on that flight? We'll probably never really know. It's Victoria's Secret.

"I Know You Think I Make This Stuff Up"

Did I mention that I'm having hot flashes now? This is not only pertinent to this story but also foreshadows a lengthy post soon to come on the intricacies involved in said hot flashing.

But for now, let me just understate my experience by saying that I'm a walking bubbling volcano. Wednesday morning, I was running late for work, and as I got out of the shower, I felt Vesuvius rising in my torso before I could even get dried off and dressed. I grabbed my handy-dandy 12" fan from my nightstand and held it on myself like you do a hair dryer on your hair.

This slowed me down even more, so I threw on all of my clothes and headed toward the door, only to cast a backward glance at myself in a full-length mirror and see--the dreaded panty line. Impossibly short on time, I grabbed a pair of specialized line-less panties out of my drawer and dashed out.

I drove like a speed demon to work. Not really, but 5 mph over the limit feels wild to me. (Like when I sometimes do not clean the lint filter before drying a load of laundry ... on purpose. I know; I'm the Evel Knievel of laundry.)

I parked, grabbed up all of my things that I schlep into work each morning, walked into the building, greeted people and made straight for the restroom to switch my underwear, which is when I realized I had merely bunched up the 2nd pair in my fist as opposed to sticking it in my bag, so it was all exposed for the world to see. If my co-workers saw it, they didn't say anything. If they saw it, I'm sure they thought, "I must pretend not to notice that Ditzy is carrying wadded up underwear in her hand. Must pretend. Must be appear to be oblivious."

When I got inside the stall, I made the switch, but still reeling from embarrassment and being the creature of mindless habit that I am, instead of sticking the first pair in my bag, I simply tossed them into the toilet like toilet paper, as if I thought, "Be gone, panties that show your lines!"

I considered flushing them, but saw the whole custodian scenario flash before my eyes, so I fished them out and trashed them. And that is the latest edition of "I Know You Think I Make This Stuff Up."

Final chapter of this post:RE-CAP on Oneighty Talk

Many of you (one) asked me to re-cap my talk Wednesday night at Oneighty.

Drumroll: It went OK.

There were roughly 60 kids there, and I thoroughly enjoyed myself. Whether or not the kids enjoyed it, I do not know.

My daughter was NOT thrilled that I used all of the pics from this post to start my talk, but I did, and she lived, although she covered her face. At least I didn't tell the wadded up panties story.

But here's how I know she secretly loves me: Before the talk, she came up to me and said, "Let me see your teeth." So I bared them, and they passed inspection. Suddenly I was emotionally overcome by her protective measures on my behalf. Until I realized she was simply trying to avoid even more embarrassment. Oh well.

When it was over, she actually said I did a good job. And that was before I bought her the Sprite on the way home. Little did she know that if she had said "great job," she would've been one Taco Bell Mango Strawberry Fruitista Freeze richer.


carol ~ i throw like a girl said...

Well, I suppose if you ever want to start another blog you could name it "2nd Pair of..." oh, never mind. This was hysterical. Thanks for the laugh!

Tabi said...

You make me laugh. I have once gone out of the house all day before i realized that my tennis shoes did not match! I'm so glad that everything went well with the kids!

sara said... I am sitting here waiting for my son...who is late for his curfew....I really, really needed this laugh!!! It may be what saves his little life! :)

skoots1mom said...

my family looks out of the sides of their eyes at me, as I sit with my electric fan while in my recliner--turning on the other portable fan I have attached to one of my baskets in the kitchen specifically blowing on me as I cook...all the ceiling fans go to high when I enter each room...a friend at church even gave me an asian foldup fan to use in church...even though everyone else is freezing, I'm still fanning! I don't have sweats at night, but I do all day long!

Research is too slow relative to figuring all this stuff out--I believe there may be a line in Heaven to discuss this one with our Maker...

Now I really do want a Mango Strawberry Fruitista freeze : )

Susanne said...

My husband is giving me that "What could you possibly be reading that is making you laugh that hard at your computer, AGAIN" look. I think I'll pass on telling him this one. Let him be surprised at what he has to look forward to in the near future when it's my turn. Oh my word, Linda. On the one hand I'm feeling mortified for you and on the other, well, hey, you just told the WWW, so you must be okay with it now that it's a few hours past. LOL. I hope I can laugh at myself as well.

So glad your youth talk went well. And if your girl reads this I'll bet you start getting lots of "great job" comments in the near future.

Edie said...

Hi Linda - I'm so glad the speaking event went well. You bring new meaning to that phrase about getting your panties in a wad. Ha! LOL.

Have you just recently started getting hot flashes? Here's a little info to help you plan.
1. In the beginning they're not too bad, they get worse as time goes by.
2. They seem to follow a schedule, always beginning as you are trying to get ready for work causing you to lose all sense of choosing appropriate attire.
3. On a positive note, they will make you a deep thinker and more thankful for previously uncomfortable circumstances. I found myself wondering if I would be thankful if caught in a snow storm. When I find myself in a building where they keep the atmosphere at sub 0 temps and I have goosebumps all over my arms, I will get a hot flash and thank God for His provision. :)

Pam from said...

I worked for the airlines for about 10 years a bazillion years ago, and the hubs still does. I tend to be on the side of the flight crew in these things because I know that somehow those little boxes at all the doorways to the planes showing allowable carry-on size act as repositories for passenger brains, common sense and behavior patterns not modeled by serial murderers and 2-year-olds on nap strikes. That being said: Getting whacked in the boob causes hemorroids? Really? AND a crisis of faith? Really? What, exactly did she (the litigious f/a) have faith in before? The stupidity and gullibility of the judicial system?

Teri said...

I have to say, that picture of Victoria Olsteen gave me a fright. (Shudder.)

So glad your talk went well! Yay!

And, well, I am truly speechless about the underware in the toilet. Thank God you had the foresight NOT to flush them, although it would have made the story even THAT much more "I know you think I make this stuff up!"

Gotta love my Lidna & second cup!

Robin said...

Girl, how I wish we could hang out together ! Welcome to the the club on the hot flash ! You are one step away from being a Hyster Sister...Just wait till you have one at church and everybody thinks you are sweating cause of the nature of the sermon.Girl, you are so funny...The panty thing has me laughing so hard my head is hurting cause I have not had my coffee yet this morning. Oh and the Osteen thing..That stewardess looks a little scary, hemmeroids and all..I am on The OSteen side on this one . After all, she and the hubs are just about the smilingest people I have ever seen. I have been know to throw a fit or two and keep on smiling myself..You have made my day with your humor..Keep on writing cause I am one big fan !!!Get it ? !!!!!

Chatty Kelly said...

Great minds think alike. I was like "hemorrhoids?? really??" But as someone who as given birth twice, I say if Victoria did cause the flight attendant to get hemorrhoids, she should shell out 10% of her income. But perhaps the FA is really just trying to say that Victoria is a pain in the *** get the idea. snicker!

But I do think if someone you esteem does something horrible, it can make you lose faith. I don't know if the Flight Attendant esteemed the Osteen's...or just their bank account. The world may never know. But I do think Victoria probably has a case of the "Thou are lower class than I am." (and that isn't the Great I AM I'm talking about either.)

Golly this is a long comment today. Sorry! Happy Weekend to You!

Anonymous said...

I found your blog about a week ago through my friend Faith's blog "Gold in the Clouds." I love it! I too am in the midst of the "flashes" I don't want to turn the ac up too much in my office as it affects one of the attorney's offices so I'll email him "Tim is it hot in here?" and he will reply trying to be kind "Maybe a little" he is trying to be kind I think he knows what I'm going through as his wife is about four years older than me. Too funny. Well, I just wanted to say that I will be visiting your blog daily, it is just great.


Beverlydru said...

And to think that before you had a blog, your capers could not possibly have been appreciated like we appreciate them.

Thanks for the update on your speaking. If your daughter didn't cry and run to her room afterwards, it means you were absolutely stellar. ; )

annie's eyes said...

I love the way you can bring underwear, your speech recap and Victoria Osteen in the same post! This is Victoria Osteen town and there might be a facet of truth to what she did, but the repercussions? Come on...More smiles to start my day. Thank you!

Mocha with Linda said...

Chapter 1: Only in America. Oh and where else would hemorrhoids be but "at the seat of this suit"?

Chapter 2: "specialized line-less panties"? That's a new way of putting it. You are hilarious. And I won't make you cooler, but I'm definitely one of your fans!

Chapter 3: I'm sure you did a great job. So now you have to come to Texas and buy ME a Freeze. And we can chat.

Sing4joy said...

See? That is why I refuse to have a job outside of the home. I find (clean) wadded up panties in my hand all the time!Can't be let out in public.

samurai said...

This may sound odd, but i am looking forward to yet more takes of your "hot flash" stories... I am hoping it will give me some insight as to what to expect from my beloved. :)

"MoodyBlue" Jodi said...

Linda - you are hysterical!
I did that with a bra once. Don't ask. LOL!

I LOVE the regular strawberry fruitista!! yummy

Anonymous said...

I just read the whole post to an office full of people...I loved it!

Paula (SweetPea) said...

I love the Mango Fruitistas. Now they have Pina Coloda Fruitistas.

yumm yumm

Mrs. Who said...

I often have to go stand in front of my small fan!! It's fabulous! (not really)

Lelia Chealey said...

So those were your panties in stall 2 at She Speaks! Mystery solved. ;)
You're always so funny "Lidna".
Have a blessed weekend.

Chel - An Abiding Branch said...

Thank you for the update. I am so glad your dtr cares about your teeth too! My dtr is wanting to be an orthodontist and she is all about the teeth....that is until we went to SeaWorld "Mommy (@15) I wanna be sea animal trainer" I wonder if this is like the time she wanted to be Veternarian Barbie Doctor...

Ok, bye bye rabbit back to Linda!
If you spoke on attitude then perhaps next time the Fatitudes (no wait save that for us ladies)
Chel - this branch is tired

PJ said...

I soooo needed to laugh this's been a busy week...and I get to catch up on my laughing by reading your blog!!! Thanks!

Susan said...

Hey Linda! I love it that someone else in the world experiences such things in their life. I have an underwear story which I haven't chosen to share yet...but may now that you've gone out on this limb.

Glad the talk went well. I knew it would.

:-) Susan

40winkzzz said...

OK, so wadded up panties in one's fist is the "old mom" equivalent to that "young mom" thing. You know which one I mean. The one involving nursing bras and nursing pads and leakage and grocery stores... hasn't everyone experienced that? Thank goodness those days are long over, but I'm seeing what I have to look forward to shortly.

And I don't mean to imply that you are old. I'm right up there in my mid-40's, too. (I think.)

Marina said...

I am right there with the fan right after the bath I can't stand to be sweating drying my hair and body at the same time and trying to put on some kind of make up so that I won't scared everyone.")marina

Mary said...

I too am baffled by the whole Victoria Osteen ordeal??? The trial is on the news daily here in Houston. Quite a cinema of events.

Darlene R. said...

First of all, our Taco Bell is closed right now for remodeling. I am not pleased.

Secondly, I had a couple tears well-up as I was laughing about the whole panties in the toilet thing!