I'm back into the swing of AI again, with my favorite contestant last night being the girl named Akilah who brought along a tattered folder of singing instructions which she had researched on the Internet and printed off. I really don't know how Aretha made it in the biz without this instructional notebook, that's how thick and, um, printed it was.
Anyway, Akilah brought illustrations of human anatomy with all the parts pertinent to singing labeled. Like the "larnex [larynx]," the "legitical cartilages [uh, I don't know what it is, but she pointed toward the part of the body where the leg joins the torso]" the "trayshea [trachia]" and the ... [some kind of word she made up]. It was like a familiar yet foreign language.
The most interesting moment may have been when she claimed that she messed up her song because she sang not from the diaphragm but instead from "the wrong re*ctums" Hel-lo.
In the exit interview, she said, "I shouldn't have let Paula, Simon and Randy eractitate me." I agree. Who can sing when you're being eractitated by four know-it-alls?
She spoke with the force and speed of a careening train plowing over cattle on the tracks, and with all the confidence and authority of a an M.D. who just happens to mispronounce every scientific term. She also managed to mix up all the info she had rehearsed about the judges to impress them, calling Randy "Simon," for example. And to top it all off, she talked about how when you sing "a capella-ly," you have to do something. I'm not sure what she said you have to do because I couldn't hear her over my own head trying to wrap itself around singing "a capella-ly."
There are some early standouts (or perhaps "early legitical standations," if you're Akilah.) You may be one of those who skips the first shows and waits for the truly good stuff near the end of the season. But then you would miss Akilah and jackets like this:
And if you start this early with your favorites, their success at the end matters a whole lot more. And how sad is it that anyone's success on this show would matter to me at all, let alone "matter a whole lot more" under any circumstances. And yet, I cannot lie. It does matter, people. Oh, it does. So stop eractitating me with your "I don't watch AI" stuff. Because people without ugly mugs shouldn't eractitate us normal people!