Friday, January 23, 2009

Fit to Be Tied and Vulnerable to Being Swapped Out

Look at this thing. Look at this Beast. With a capital B.

You might think that it resembles the mild-mannered, innocuous, rarely seen bedroom-dwelling elliptical machine which urban legend often suggests also serves as a clothes hanger, but you would only be slightly correct in your thinking, about 10% correct.

Because 90% of the time, it is a Beast, an instrument of torture which leaves no visible mark upon its victim, such as a tighter hinder or fewer pounds. Oh, no, it just chews you up and then spits you out on the bedroom floor.


And no one cares. Except your little dog, also known as "Da Beast," who has trouble carrying around the cardboard roll from the inside of a paper towel roll, and is therefore unlikely to bring you any form of liquid rejuvenation like a bottle of water or whiskey in a barrel around her neck. But she does try to kiss me back to life, and no, not just because I'm saltier than a fried pork fritter at that point. She's just concerned, that's all.

Anyway, as I was on The Beast this afternoon, I was forced to channel surf through regular TV because we don't have Tivo for the little bedroom TV. I landed on "Wife Swap," an ABC reality show where a belly-dancing, space-cadet, earth-mother type mom switched places with a pig farmin' mom for two weeks.

But I only watched this because neither "Masterpiece Theatre" nor "Latin for Fun" was available. Just so ya know, 99% of the time, I only watch classy & smart TV. Just so ya know.

Anyway, after the episode, Jorge and I were talking. Well, he was talking, and I was panting and signaling for water since I couldn't make my voice come out and had 10 minutes left to go on the elliptical.

So he says to me, he says, "If you were going to be on that show, what kind of woman would they need to find to replace you? I mean, what would be your fundamental opposite?"

I think he was hoping I'd reply, "Angelina Jolie," and that she might come visit him for two weeks, sans Brad and the kids.

But all I could scratch out was, "A hydrated wife. Because I'm dying here," but he just left the room thinking about my possible replacements, I'm sure.

So that got me to wondering; what would you say? What kind of Mom/Woman would be your alter-ego if you did the non-perverted wife-swap thing?

41 comments:

Tabi said...

I would have to say a surgery sweet person who find the good in everything and doesn't yell at her kids and always talks so soft and sweet to them. That would be my opposite!! Makes me sound wonderful huh?

Oh, I own the beast's sibling...evil little machines!! Mine is in the process of killing me off too!! Here's to hydration!!

Melanie @ This Ain't New York said...

Hubs and I have discussed this. He says we aren't extreme enough. I beg to differ.

At this point, I'd say that my opposite would be a liberal blogger with lots of traffic who works out daily, drinks hot tea, leaves the house without lipstick and is a natural blonde. :>)

skoots1mom said...

you're an inspiration...maybe i'll muster up the guts to get on ours...i sweat so much already with the hot flashes, i have a difficult time motivating myself to sweat more...

Becky said...

LOL. Someone nice (not just faking it), skinny, LOVES loves looooooves to be with kids 24/7, homemakery, sweet, non-sarcastic, lover of all things housework, infertile, ummm... I'm sure I could think of more but thats just off the top of my head.

The Quiet One said...

I'm not married yet, but I'll tell you who instantly popped in my mind and why. MARY POPPINS!!! I'm totally serious. Because she is my polar opposite - skinny as a rail and, in her own word, "Practically perfect in every way." That's my answer and I'm stickin' to it! :o) Have a great weekend!

Sara Bonds said...

I am not sure if you are into blog awards or not, but I have awarded you as a Fabulous blogger here ->

http://subjectivebeauty.blogspot.com/2009/01/your-blog-is-fabulous-award.html

I am not a big fan of the rules to accepting blog awards, but I guess we have to keep passing it on.

Merrie said...

Oh what a thought! I'm sure that it would be someone organized and self disciplined like a sargent who also wants/needs to keep everyone else in line. She would be neat and athletic and not procrastinate... just for starters...

I AM impressed that you get on the Beast. I think I'd like to have one sitting in my room so IF (very unlikely) I get the notion to sit on it I could... once.

Chatty Kelly said...

I think my swap would be some quiet, mild mannered submissive woman. I am loud, full of sweeping hand gestures, and struggle in the area of submission.

I have to say as soon as I started reading I thought "Masterpiece theatre must not have on." LOL!!

Ken Lee you girlfriend!

Mel said...

This one i can answer the one to swap with me is Martha Stewart...I am the complete anthesis of her, not her personality btw but all of her homemaking skills...

mtnest423 said...

I've watched "Wife Swap" before. Usually by Friday night I'm just ready to veg out, and since we don't have cable and have few stations to choose from because of our limited antenna reception (yeah, we live in the boonies...sort of)I don't have much choice. Which really doesn't matter because I'm definitely not watching TV to increase my intellect. And "Wife Swap" fits the bill. I don't have to think when it's on. My husband will roll his eyes as he leaves the room. :)

My alter-ego woman would probably be one of the tattooed party animals. I am so not that. On a Friday night, give me my sofa, blanket to snuggle under, mindless TV or a good book and I'm a happy camper.

I belong to a stamp club. Once a month, I go to someone's house, and we make cards and buy rubber stamps. One night I told my daughter I was going "clubbing."

She said, "Mom...Don't. Ever. Say. That. Again."

Dena said...

Well, I guess for me it would be a belly-dancing, space-cadet, earth-mother type mom, since I am a pig farmin' mom. LOL

sara said...

I'm with you on the beast.....I was at the gym 4, count em 4 days this week.....killer!

Robin @ Be Still and Know said...

I have often teased the hubby about submitting and application to 'Wife Swap" but sadly we are basically very normal(drat!)I have to really wonder what goes through a person mind that would compel them to want to expose their unusual/bizarre/weird/over-the-top lives to the whole world.

One of my personal favorite episodes was the womn who believe that staring at the sun would one day give her the ability to actually give up the need to eat food.

My polar opposite:
A hormonally stable individual with a deep and burring desire to do laundry and dust furniture.

Blessings
Robin

The Bayou Belles and Their Beau said...

My opposite ... some quiet little churchmouse of a woman. No sass. No backtalk. And a major, heavy-duty house-cleaner who irons. Maybe like a Geisha girl.

beckyjomama said...

I would be swapped with an organized woman who cleans the house, prepares DAILY home cooked meals, follows the budget and never, ever speaks sarcastically to her Handsome Price!

Whis is why I will never go on that show ... I am pretty sure that my man would NOT want me back!

Carol @SheLives said...

Never saw the show, but caught the pig farming mom on Classy Closet blog radio a couple weeks back. Interesting, what goes on behind the scenes at that show. (Not perverted, just interesting.)

If they found someone organized as my swap, it would turn my family upside down.

12-arrows said...

Funny. . . when we watch this I have mentioned on occasion that I was going to sign-up and my husband and kids go NUTS! They are sweet because they say "no one could ever do what you do, mom!" at least they know how to brown-nose right? LOL

I think my alter-ego would be along the lines of what Becky, above poster said. Sweet, flirty, skinny, in shape, fun, playful, can figure out dinner and put it on the table in record time, strong, sensitive, everything i strive to be but fall short of most days! LOL

Missy said...

Hmmm. Well dressed, high-maintenance, tall, long blonde hair...you know...every man's dream ;) But...I bet she would be a terrible mother!
BTW, I am real impressed with your elliptical performance! I didn't know you could use those things for exercise :)

Beverlydru said...

I'm too old to be considered... my kids are all grown. Sob. (Not)

Pssst. You have provided me with great entertainment this week and I am ready for Monday. I'll be stumping all weekend. LOL

Alexia said...

Probably some insane mother who can home school, make bread, play with the baby and keep a house sparkling all at once. *sigh*

Heth said...

A super organized mother of two living in a 4,000 square foot house who takes her kids to 500 activities a week, doesn't let them watch tv, and feeds them healthy snacks. While keeping her house immaculate.

She is the antithesis of me.

Heth said...

And also, way go go getting your workout on. Sweat is good.

Lois Lane II said...

Wow, what a good question!

Hmmm...I would think it would be someone who cleans up and cooks, haha, because I'm fairly bad at both. Um...someone who is an exercise fiend (again, NOT me) and who isn't as stubborn, lol. A little random, yes. I think my best TV example of my opposite would be Meredith Grey from Grey's Anatomy (for personality more than anything else).

Susanne said...

LOL. Chatty Kelly took my answer. Wow, she could be my twin. LOL.

Your discipline on the beast amazes me.

RissaRoo said...

You are so funny! And good for you for "taming the beast". We gave up our gym membership to save money, and now I'm wishing we had it back!

Wife swap...hmmm, to be honest it would probably be some calm, easy-going woman who has a place for everything and everything in its place. She's probably also love to scrub, and she would undoubtedly adore ironing.

Pam from alertandorientedx4 said...

I'm thinking my polar opposite would be Fly Lady crossed with Britney Spears and Carol Brady. I never wear shoes and don't have my makeup on til I'm darn good and ready, tend to vary between obsessively organized and total slob. I am sarcastic and cynical and can seldom, if ever, keep my mouth shut. But I AM really pretty practical....

Deven said...

I would say someone who is extremely put-together and organized, but (just to make her seem crazy) in an inflexible way. I am crazy kinds of disorganized, but at least I can go with the flow.

Of course, my family might tell you otherwise...

Mommy, the Human Napkin said...

My polar opposite would be a tall, skinny blonde who doesn't wash clothes or dishes - she has someone to do that for her. She pays no attention to the kids because she has a nanny and she wears makeup every time she leaves the house. She buys high-end clothing and shoes and handbags and has no interest in getting an education.

Ten bucks says my husband makes her cry within 30 minutes of meeting her.

Sitesx6 said...

My opposite is Michelle Duggar (mom with 18 kids) because she is the most patient mother on the planet and always has a smile.

or Paris Hilton. (skinny, rich, fashion plate, famous, ditzy as heck)

I heart the Elliptical machine. I LOVED your post about it. It is a BEAST! TAME THE BEAST ...TAME IT GIRL.

Kelly in Michigan

Laurie Ann said...

My polar opposite would be Martha Stewart. Oh, I am so not her. But Steve would be so ready to have me back home! He loves me just the way I am, hah hah! Too funny about Zoe to the rescue with kisses of rejuvination. Those eliptical machines are torture but they look so fun on the infomercials!

Debbie said...

Oh, so many choices. Someone good looking, smart, talented, energetic. My poor husband.

Teri~Facedown said...

My opposite personality would be BORING! Mellow, non-combative, non-passionate, easy going, and good at growing stuff. OH! And doesn't spend money.

I always tease my husband that if he married the girl he dated before me they might be really rich, but he would be bored out of his mind! I add the spark to his life! (If I must say so myself!)

Edwina at The Picket Fence said...

If I were going to sway, I would probably pick Paula Deen, because I love her home, love her food and I could be around those 'good looking boys' of hers hmmmmm, they would be mine?

Esthermay said...

Classy, smart t.v.? Hmmmmmm. . .
If you say so.

Does husband get a vote on this.
I go ask the man. . .
"Caroline Kennedy" "She's an unrepentant liberal democrat with not an ounce of articulation or ability to express herself intelligently."

What a compliment from the Man!

p.s. I guess the woman has marriage issues too. There ya' go!

Debbie said...

That machine is definitely evil!!

My opposite would be adoring, agreeable, unopinionated and be able to eat anything while remaining gorgeous, thin, high-maintenance, and designer dressed.

Don't tell hubby though - he might just sign me up for the show!

DidiLyn said...

Yeah....Latin for Fun...that's the ticket.
My eliptical is getting rather dusty, too. Or it would be if the delicates weren't drying on it.
I did wog today, but it is slow, cold going as it is so icy outside, YUK.
Someday....

Kim said...

:::raising hand::: alright! ALRIGHT! I CONFESS!! I have, on occasion, watched "Wife Swap" too!

shew! Now that I've come clean....

Um, polar opposite....

spic and span mom, who has all laundry done, (down to folding and putting away...also ironing!) dishes washed, toilets swished, dusting done, floors so clean you could eat off them, decluttered, organized, etc. etc.... And has a full time job on top of it all.

Yep, that's pretty much it! :)

Erin said...

Ha ha ha, I am only too familiar with that beast!

Mocha with Linda said...

I left a comment yesterday. Don't know where it went. Don't even remember what I said. I'm sure that just devastates you not to get it. :-)

Heather of the EO said...

Would you believe I DON'T KNOW. This could mean I just totally don't know myself at all. OR it could mean that I'm such a mix of people that no one is really my opposite. My poor husband...

Jenny said...

I would have to say someone who doesn't clean, but cooks gourmet meals. My husband would love someone who cooked every night, but he would go screaming if my house was a mess. He is a neat freak and my my sis-n-law says I am obsessive compulsive about cleaning:) I would also have to agree with chatty kelly, because that is soo the opposite of me.