Fit to Be Tied and Vulnerable to Being Swapped Out

Look at this thing. Look at this Beast. With a capital B.

You might think that it resembles the mild-mannered, innocuous, rarely seen bedroom-dwelling elliptical machine which urban legend often suggests also serves as a clothes hanger, but you would only be slightly correct in your thinking, about 10% correct.

Because 90% of the time, it is a Beast, an instrument of torture which leaves no visible mark upon its victim, such as a tighter hinder or fewer pounds. Oh, no, it just chews you up and then spits you out on the bedroom floor.


And no one cares. Except your little dog, also known as "Da Beast," who has trouble carrying around the cardboard roll from the inside of a paper towel roll, and is therefore unlikely to bring you any form of liquid rejuvenation like a bottle of water or whiskey in a barrel around her neck. But she does try to kiss me back to life, and no, not just because I'm saltier than a fried pork fritter at that point. She's just concerned, that's all.

Anyway, as I was on The Beast this afternoon, I was forced to channel surf through regular TV because we don't have Tivo for the little bedroom TV. I landed on "Wife Swap," an ABC reality show where a belly-dancing, space-cadet, earth-mother type mom switched places with a pig farmin' mom for two weeks.

But I only watched this because neither "Masterpiece Theatre" nor "Latin for Fun" was available. Just so ya know, 99% of the time, I only watch classy & smart TV. Just so ya know.

Anyway, after the episode, Jorge and I were talking. Well, he was talking, and I was panting and signaling for water since I couldn't make my voice come out and had 10 minutes left to go on the elliptical.

So he says to me, he says, "If you were going to be on that show, what kind of woman would they need to find to replace you? I mean, what would be your fundamental opposite?"

I think he was hoping I'd reply, "Angelina Jolie," and that she might come visit him for two weeks, sans Brad and the kids.

But all I could scratch out was, "A hydrated wife. Because I'm dying here," but he just left the room thinking about my possible replacements, I'm sure.

So that got me to wondering; what would you say? What kind of Mom/Woman would be your alter-ego if you did the non-perverted wife-swap thing?