Monday, March 02, 2009
A Commentary on the Final Episode of The Bachelor--Spoiler Alert
As I'm writing this, I'm watching the most dramatic conclusion EVER to the Bachelor, Season XXLIV.
And it is RIVETING. It's just a reality show, and a poor one at that. I started watching this season because my friends were talking about it, and I wanted to be in the know. Let's hope these same friends don't decide to shave their heads tomorrow because I look terrible bald.
Anyway, Jason is down to two women, both of whom, remarkably, he totally loves with all his heart. Clearly, Jason should've been born in biblical times, as he apparently possesses enough love to have several wives.
The two girls, Melissa and Molly, are desperate to be the one that Jason loves with 200% of his heart. Well, 175%, as he does have a small son with whom she will have to share Jason. I believe they'd be willing to share 25% of Jason's heart with his son. Maybe even 27%.
So little Ty did not deter the girls from flagellating their self-esteem all over the place to become Mrs. Ty's Stepmom. I think this could be settled if each woman were locked in a Chuckie Cheese with Ty and a couple of his friends for a 12-hour test of pleasantness durability. The woman who emerges without a facial tic and ulcer wins.
On his date with Melissa and Ty in New Zealand, Jason suddenly showed up with a sheep to show Ty. Do sheep just roam around New Zealand for the taking??
So, drawing on her initial success with a knock-knock joke for Ty, without missing a beat, Melissa almost immediately blurts out, "Why was the sheep shy?" (Pause for effect) "Because he was baaaaaashful."
Jason almost married her right then and there. I mean, they had two witnesses, Ty and the sheep.
And poor Molly almost stroked out when Ty didn't warm up to her right away, but that all worked out.
Poor Jason. He's in a fix because he cannot decide.
I just want to say for the record that if a guy is crying over deciding between two women, the decision should be: neither.
But if he took that route, we wouldn't have, as Chris the host put it, an episode "potentially so dramatic, so emotionally difficult, that we decided out of respect for the parties involved to keep the taping of tonight's show as intimate as possible ... which means we'll taping from inside the girls' swimsuits in the hot tub."
Uh, OK, Chris didn't really say that last part about the swimsuits, but he did give such a dramatic foreshadowing to the end of this season that Shakespeare is going, "Wow."
The catch is, the producers are bringing back, at the last possible moment, the girl who turned Jason down and chose another guy on last seasons's Bachelorette. Apparently, Deanna, who blinks her eyes as fast as a high speed camera, broke Jason's heart, so the producers, who apparently HATE Jason, are bringing Deanna back, who has had a change of heart.
In the words of Shakespeare, "Wow." Jason now has THREE to choose from.
They keep showing Jason leaning over a balcony SOBBING.
This is really stressing me out, so I'm heading out to the kitchen to fetch a bowl of Blue Bunny "Bunny Tracks" ice cream.
DUDE. If you're that torn up, don't do it. Don't propose to either one!
Oh, Molly has been cut loose. She keeps saying, "I think he has made a big mistake," and every time she says it, it sounds less sorrowful and more wishful. Yikes.
Been there, Sister.
Well, I have to admit, his proposal to Melissa is the sweetest proposal I've ever seen.
6 weeks later:
Jason and Melissa have split up.
Who could've seen this coming?
Uh, millions of people, that's who.
Oh, that poor girl. You can't be a mom of a daughter and not have this break your heart into a million pieces. God bless her.
So now Jason wants to have another go at Molly. Jason also just morphed from Prince Charming to Prince Harming. Who cries a lot.
Molly is shocked but she was always in it to win it, so there you go.
Well, as Chris Harrison said, this was a "historic, historic," and I would add, "histrionic" moment.
And guess what? "The Bachelor, After the Rose, PART II" is on tomorrow night. Is this the one where Ty tells his daddy he likes Melissa better and so Jason breaks up with Molly a second time and goes back to Melissa??? We need more ice cream!