Monday, March 02, 2009

A Commentary on the Final Episode of The Bachelor--Spoiler Alert

As I'm writing this, I'm watching the most dramatic conclusion EVER to the Bachelor, Season XXLIV.

And it is RIVETING. It's just a reality show, and a poor one at that. I started watching this season because my friends were talking about it, and I wanted to be in the know. Let's hope these same friends don't decide to shave their heads tomorrow because I look terrible bald.

Anyway, Jason is down to two women, both of whom, remarkably, he totally loves with all his heart. Clearly, Jason should've been born in biblical times, as he apparently possesses enough love to have several wives.

The two girls, Melissa and Molly, are desperate to be the one that Jason loves with 200% of his heart. Well, 175%, as he does have a small son with whom she will have to share Jason. I believe they'd be willing to share 25% of Jason's heart with his son. Maybe even 27%.

So little Ty did not deter the girls from flagellating their self-esteem all over the place to become Mrs. Ty's Stepmom. I think this could be settled if each woman were locked in a Chuckie Cheese with Ty and a couple of his friends for a 12-hour test of pleasantness durability. The woman who emerges without a facial tic and ulcer wins.

On his date with Melissa and Ty in New Zealand, Jason suddenly showed up with a sheep to show Ty. Do sheep just roam around New Zealand for the taking??

So, drawing on her initial success with a knock-knock joke for Ty, without missing a beat, Melissa almost immediately blurts out, "Why was the sheep shy?" (Pause for effect) "Because he was baaaaaashful."

Jason almost married her right then and there. I mean, they had two witnesses, Ty and the sheep.

And poor Molly almost stroked out when Ty didn't warm up to her right away, but that all worked out.

Poor Jason. He's in a fix because he cannot decide.

I just want to say for the record that if a guy is crying over deciding between two women, the decision should be: neither.

But if he took that route, we wouldn't have, as Chris the host put it, an episode "potentially so dramatic, so emotionally difficult, that we decided out of respect for the parties involved to keep the taping of tonight's show as intimate as possible ... which means we'll taping from inside the girls' swimsuits in the hot tub."

Uh, OK, Chris didn't really say that last part about the swimsuits, but he did give such a dramatic foreshadowing to the end of this season that Shakespeare is going, "Wow."

The catch is, the producers are bringing back, at the last possible moment, the girl who turned Jason down and chose another guy on last seasons's Bachelorette. Apparently, Deanna, who blinks her eyes as fast as a high speed camera, broke Jason's heart, so the producers, who apparently HATE Jason, are bringing Deanna back, who has had a change of heart.

In the words of Shakespeare, "Wow." Jason now has THREE to choose from.

They keep showing Jason leaning over a balcony SOBBING.

This is really stressing me out, so I'm heading out to the kitchen to fetch a bowl of Blue Bunny "Bunny Tracks" ice cream.

Much better.

DUDE. If you're that torn up, don't do it. Don't propose to either one!

Oh, Molly has been cut loose. She keeps saying, "I think he has made a big mistake," and every time she says it, it sounds less sorrowful and more wishful. Yikes.

Been there, Sister.

Well, I have to admit, his proposal to Melissa is the sweetest proposal I've ever seen.


6 weeks later:

Jason and Melissa have split up.

Who could've seen this coming?

Uh, millions of people, that's who.

Oh, that poor girl. You can't be a mom of a daughter and not have this break your heart into a million pieces. God bless her.

So now Jason wants to have another go at Molly. Jason also just morphed from Prince Charming to Prince Harming. Who cries a lot.

Molly is shocked but she was always in it to win it, so there you go.

Well, as Chris Harrison said, this was a "historic, historic," and I would add, "histrionic" moment.

And guess what? "The Bachelor, After the Rose, PART II" is on tomorrow night. Is this the one where Ty tells his daddy he likes Melissa better and so Jason breaks up with Molly a second time and goes back to Melissa??? We need more ice cream!


Kim said...

I hope he ends up with the lamb and a few fleas. Now that would be an appropriate ending to his "love" story.

Patrice said...

No, you have it all wrong, Part 2 is where he decides that Deanna is the one that hold his heart, at least 73% of it because Ty owns the other 27%!

Poor Ty, he will needs lots of therapy to recover from this! Poor kid!

Anonymous said...

I haven't watched in a couple of years. I watched the last 15 minutes...I will never get those 15 minutes back! UGH!

annie's eyes said...

There isn't enough ice cream in the world...good recap. I was afraid I missed something, but, ah, there's always tomorrow night! Love ya, Annette

Leslie said...

OH. MY. GOSH!!!!! I don't even watch this show and I was screaming the entire time!! He's dumb. 'Nuff said. ;)

Anonymous said...

I never watch the embarresing for me. But thanks for summing it all up for me! LOL! I like to read about it rather than watch it! TFS!

Chel's Leaving a Legacy said...

You're so silly. I have never been able to watch this show. It's like a soap opera on steroids.

Glad you're having fun with it, though. And I enjoyed your take on it!

Sara@i.Sass said...

I had a heads up on this bomb shell so it was fun to see it play out. And by fun I mean I wasn't staring mouth open at the TV thinking "What the ..."
I never really liked that peppy cheerleader, but I feel bad that he did that on CAMERA! or should I say agreed to do it that way. heartless. I hope he and Molly are happy for the next, what's the going length now, 6 months?

The Social Frog said...

I thought this was so disgusting, I never watch this but stopped and had to watch, it was like a train wreck, really.

Connie said...

Oh my goodness...he was making me sick at the end when he continues to say how amazing each one was and how he was so in love with Melissa but now wants to try Molly. Only on TV can a a guy get away so easy. Another disappointment and I also ask myself...Why did I waste my time??? I'm gonna read a good book next time! Connie

Cindy-Still His Girl said...

Not that I would ever admit watching such trash, but I wanted to poke him in the eye with a stick for doing that to sweet Melissa IN FRONT OF CAMERAS. Her parents were wise, wise, wise. He is a child and she escaped a lunatic, I think.

Anonymous said...

I want to thank ABC for ending my "Bachelor" addiction.

My daughter and I would send text messages back and forth while we watched in separate cities.

Guess we'll have to find another bonding experience. I'm done.

carol ~ i throw like a girl said...

I can't help but feel like some of that was set up. I think they egged Jason on to pick one or the other, knowing it would lead to a drama. All the other bachelors have eventually broken up with their "amazing soul mates" months after the show ended. It would have been so much better for him to keep this quiet and spare Melissa the public humiliation.

I have a feeling ABC will offer her a Bachelorette show. I hope she is smart enough to scream "NO" and run for the hills if they do.

Cathy Davis said...

I haven't watched this show on TV, but I've kept up with it through the bloggy blogs oh, and twitter.

I just can't quite grasp the concept of competing for someone's love on national TV. I have self-esteem issues as it is. I would be feeling their pain all the time! All that rejection *shew*.

Thank you for the recap. I'm going to see if BooMama has posted her because she was really hoping Melissa would be "the one".

Mocha with Linda said...

Yet another show I don't watch. I'm amazed you are even my friend.

(But I'm glad!)

Chatty Kelly said...

Oh Lid! I'm with you on the ice cream. I don't watch that show, but really doesn't ice cream make EVERYTHING all better...except my thighs. Makes them alot worse.

Anonymous said...

I could not agree with you more. If last night wasn't enough to get me to dump this show (after vowing to after the inevitable break up of almost every couple) nothing will... well, after I tune in tonight! ;)

skoots1mom said...

"24" has been really good this year, so far...
and John & Kate Plus 8...
I had Burgundy Cherry Chip last night...yummmmm!

Melanie @ This Ain't New York said...

Best Bachelor post of the morning.

Your Jacob reference cracked me up.

Greg C said...

Yawn, what were you saying. You lost me Linda. Sorry. I prefer Big Love.

Mrs.Naz@BecomingMe said...

I am laughing so hard right now. I do not watch the bachelor. I watched some of season one, and could not take the drama, the sobbing, the groveling,the pitiful was too much stress. I loved your review though...and I feel for little Ty...goodness...

(Oh, I linked to you today on my family blog--fyi)

kristi said...

Thank GAWD I didn't waste my time on this show!! I did YEARS ago with "Batchelor Bob" and then he picked a hoe! LOL!

Paula (SweetPea) said...

I got sucked into this about four weeks ago. Yeah, why a lamb?

I wonder how much of everything is scripted. However, I must say it all seemed "live" last night. With Molly's continual look of shook as she seemed to be looking at Chris and the producers for help or a clue of "candid camera". And then with Melissa's whisper of calling Jason the male version of a female dog.

It was something else. My thing is I'd be curious in the next 6 -12 months if they are still together. Seems Trista and Ryan are the only successful couple. I think the show is an okay way to meet people but not propose marriage. Given the real world, a person needs more time away from the camera for crying out loud. It is need that T & R have been successful and they are on baby #2.

The saga continues and we'll all be glued to the tube tonight.

Paula (SweetPea) said...

Oh, loved all your commentary like 200%, 25%, 27%, Ty jokes...all of it was funny.

Edwina at The Picket Fence said...

I told you guys I would be back to comment and after last night... I knew I could count on you to blog about the worst ever Bachelor in HISTORY!!! I hope Jason and Deanna end up together, they are both so deserving of each other 'DUMPEES' I will never watch again (unless they put Jillian on as the next Bachlorette:)

Tina said...

seriously. That is hilarious.
I only watched the end of the last ten minutes.

I was dying to find out what part 2 was too.... hehe... but we have a school concert tonight.

so, I'll have to settle for reading your blog tomorrow. ;)

Anonymous said...

Yesterday on twitter Max Lucado said he was watching CNN and his wife was watching the Bachelor. He asked if women would really agree to be in a harem! I hadn't thought of it that way. I am studying Esther right now and that kind of freaked me out! NO WAY, no how! ha

Anonymous said...

Yesterday on twitter Max Lucado said he was watching CNN and his wife was watching the Bachelor. He asked if women would really agree to be in a harem! I hadn't thought of it that way. I am studying Esther right now and that kind of freaked me out! NO WAY, no how! ha

Heather of the EO said...

A friend actually texted me during the show (at the end) to say that Jason would be on Kimmel and he would profess his love for Deanna. Hilarious. Seriously, I feel for it because I thought that at that point, anything is possible. Gross.

Jenny said...

I can't watch this show anymore, I quit watching after the second season since no one ever stays with who they pick.

DaNella Auten said...

Tell me about it. That has got to be the stupidest way in the world to think you'll find love... Hello love is not a feeling, it is a committment. How's he supposed to find committment with 25 feelings walking around?
(stepping down off of soap box)

I feel much better now.

All My Blessings said...

I've never liked the Bachelor at all and wasn't surprised that my girls would like it. What surprised me was my husband for pete's sake! I see these girls as the desperate highschool girls that I went to school with. "YUK" IF I were on the show I pretty sure I at some point in time say to myself, "What am I thinking?" "Its time to go home." Think about it this way==I have now kissed him and all the girls too!!! Desperate and Pathic

Susan said...

I never watch this show anymore. But I confess that I DID tune in that final night because I could NOT believe what I was hearing. And I was blown away at what was done....and more importantly, HOW it was done. I didn't get to watch night 2, so I hope someone recaps it for me.



The W.O.W. factor said...

Geez..If I'd have known you were going to give the run down, I wouldn't have wasted my evening watching.
I too, wonder why he even proposed to either if he was "so" torn. One season of Bachelorette, she chose Jason could have followed suit. It's a "cruel" show really.

jennifer said...

UGHHHH! So glad you posted about this. I am SOOOO annoyed with Jason. HOw is it that he got away with what he did? Slimey.