Thursday, January 07, 2010

Top Five Stalker Songs

I was thinking the other day about when my kids first heard "Every Breath You Take." They said, "That's weird. It's like a stalker song."

Pretty astute for two and four year olds.

Just kidding.

So I compiled a short list of "stalker songs," all of which I like but one. Here they are in increasing intensity of stalker content.

5. I've Got My Mind Set On You by George Harrison. Mainly because of the percussion, this song is a great example of the old American Bandstand recommendation: "It's got a good beat, and I can dance to it." Not many unique words in it, but we'll get to that later.

I got my mind set on you
I got my mind set on you
But it's gonna take money
A whole lotta spending money
It's gonna take plenty of money
To do it right child
It's gonna take time
A whole lot of precious time
It's gonna take patience and time, ummm
To do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it
To do it right child


This is not a love song; this is an intricate scheme plotted out for months by someone with a single focus: "You shall be mine at any cost, including my own self-respect and sanity." It could've been the theme song to "Fatal Attraction."

4. I Wear My Sunglasses at Night by Corey Hart

I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can
Watch you weave then breathe your story lines
And I wear my sunglasses at night, so I can, so I can
Keep track of visions in my eyes


That last line makes absolutely no sense. But I wear my sunglasses at night, too, when I listen to this song because I'm embarrassed for anyone to know that I'm listening to it, but I do like it.

3. Private Eyes by OATES & HALL. I had to search high and low to find a pic of Oates on the left and Hall on the right, but I found it, because just once I want to say, here's "Oates and Hall!"

You cant escape my
Private eyes
They're watching you
They see your every move
Private eyes
They're watching you
Private eyes
They're watching you watching you watching you watching you


If you read that last line out loud, it will totally creep you out, but somehow it all seems OK when Hall & Oates are doing the stalking.

2. If I Was Invisible by Clay Aiken. The neglect of the subjunctive "were" in the title really bugs me, by the way. This irritation is surpassed only by the weirdness of the entire song.

I wish I could be
A fly on your wall

Are u really alone
Whose stealin' your dreams ...
If I was invisible
Then I could just watch you in your room ...
Saw your face in the crowd
I call out your name
You don't hear a sound
I keep tracing your steps
Each move that you make
Wish I could read
What goes through your mind
Oh baby
Wish I could touch me
With the colours of your life


OK, this whole song is bizarro, but the highlighted phrases prove this goes beyond what craziness most stalkers will even admit to. And what those last two lines are about I don't know, but they made me make the "ew" face. Can you guess this is the one I don't like? And doesn't this pic make Clay look as though he is morphing into Daryl Hall?


1. Every Breath You Take by The Police. I'm not even going to print any lyrics here because every word is stalk-driven. When Jorge and I were in college, Every Breath was popular (#1 for 8 weeks in 1983). The comic "Bloom County" ran in our school newspaper. One edition featured Opus the penguin singing this song with alternative lyrics such as:

Every leaf you rake
Every fish you bake
Every pen you take
Every leg you break
I'll be watching you


Jorge and I were almost falling off our chairs laughing so hard. I'm talking about the crying and not breathing kind of hilarity. Now our kids laugh at US like that whenever we mess up lyrics. It's the "Opus Karma" phenomenon.

So, can you think of any songs to add to the stalker list?

In honor of one of these stalker songs, I'm including a spoof of I've Got My Mind Set On You, which, of course, is probably only funny if you know the song. And yes, this is Weird Al. You don't have to watch the whole thing to get the jist of the joke because it's as monotonous as the original song.

26 comments:

Esthermay said...

HALL & OATES!!!!!!!
"They're too worldly, Esthermay." And with that explanation my mother confiscated my Hall & Oates-"Private Eyes" LP. That was 1981. My only consolation was 27 years later I found the boys doin' "Jingle Bell Rock" on iTunes!

Who's Clay Aitkin?

Abiding Branch said...

two six degree's issues for me in this post!!! lol oh my truly lol for real!

First of all my very first boyfriend EVAH is now my friend on facebook and he serenaded me with nothing less than #1 when I was 11. We held hands at church camp!! Too much!

Secondly, we just watched Weird Al's Bio on Bio - it is a must see! You know you made it BIG when Weird Al does your song!!! gotta love it!

You always make my heart warm to think of the BEST things!!! Even if we are high up on a complaining chart that day. (speaking of me of course)

Oh btw, my blonde is really showing tonight so please forgive missed letters or jumbled words. :)
Chel

SouthLakesMom said...

My daughter pointed out once that the whole "God is watching" genre of nursery songs is stalker-ish. Especially "Be careful little eyes what you see and Be careful little ears, etc.

What you see and what you hear are passive. What you watch and what you listen to are active. The implication is God is watching. Yes, it says "with love", but the implication of "be careful" is WATCH OUT!!!

I don't teach it in SS anymore. LOL

Tabi said...

Please I beg of you, take down the picture of Hall & Oats...I think my eyes are damaged with their weird posing and creepy peep show of the chest....icky! ;)

Joyce said...

How about Diana Ross and the Supremes-I'm Gonna Make You Love Me. That line that goes, 'Every night, and every day, I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you Look out, cause I'm gonna get you...I'm gonna make you love me yes I will'

A bit stalkerish but I bet you're singing it now : ) You're welcome.

Hall and Oates have that boyish charm happening so they can totally get away with the stalker song. They are not scary. Now Clay is a whole 'nother matter.

Rachelle said...

What is it about 80's music? I agree, STALKER city! HA! I have to admit, I did/do like all those songs though... Does that make me a stalker? :)

Patrice said...

Maybe I should be wearing sunglasses when I say, I like some of these songs...Could I be a stalker?? {{GASP}} LOL!

kcinnova said...

He sees you when you're sleeping;
he knows if you're awake;
he knows if you've been bad or good, so be good for goodness sake!
Oh, you'd better watch out....

Lois Lane II said...

HAHAHA!! LOVE IT!!!

Susanne said...

Weird Al's version is cracking me right up. I never thought there were so many stalker type songs. Now I'll be obsessed with listening to lyrics for the next few days wondering how many stalkery ones I can identify. Thank you for that. ;v)

Heth said...

Lady Gaga "Paparazzi".

"I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me."

and

"Promise I'll be kind, but I won't stop until that boy is mine."

She creeps me out on so many levels.

Melanie @ This Ain't New York said...

Oh, you make me laugh. My first thought was "Infatuation" by Rod, but it's the video that makes this list. Not the lyrics.

Kelly Combs said...

Lid, Lid, Lid. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways! Oh, this is the kind of post that I just LOVE from you. You crack me up and the "6 words long song" was hysterical. Yay. Thanks for the fun post.

Kelly Combs said...

How about Blondie's:

One way or another I'm gonna find ya, I'm gonna getcha getcha getcha getcha.

Amy said...

Every Breath You Take was used at a wedding that I sang at...I sat there listening to it thinking did these people REALLY listen to the lyrics before they picked it???

Great List!!

Amy

Amy@My Front Porch said...

When you said stalker songs the first thing that popped into my mind was that Clay Aiken song. My husband and I used to always make fun of that :)

Linda said...

I think Weird Al is a musical genius! He says what most of us are thinking...and so do you! hee hee

Kristine said...

Love it! Now I'm going to be thinking 'stalker' any time I hear songs similar to these :).

bensrib said...

Have you ever heard Tim Hawkins do his routine about nursery rhymes? It's on YouTube. He talks about how creepy that children's prayer is . . . Now I lay me down to sleep, I pray the Lord my soul to keep . . . gotta hear him do it.

Cathy said...

Those are really just too creepy!! You know, I know most of those and just never thought about the stalker thing until you pointed it out. Now I'll never think of them the same again. The Weird Al song was cute though. Thanks for the laugh.

2cats said...

How about 96 Tears by the Mysterians?

You're way on top now
Since you left me
You're always laughin'
Way down at me
But watch out now
I'm gonna get there
We'll be together
For just a little while
And then I'm gonna put you
Way down here
And you'll start cryin'
Ninety-six tears

That is a scary song.

This next one is so scary that I am going to put in all the words.
She calls me on the phone
Hoping that I'm home
And that I'm all alone
But when I say hello,
I only hear dial tone
She thinks that I'm her own
Outside my window she crept,
Watching my every step

[Chorus]
Oh oh oh
She's following me
Oh oh oh
She's out of her tree
Oh oh oh
She's off of her rocker
I want to marry my stalker

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh
Oh oh oh WOO!

Sometimes she says she's my mom,
Looks like she doesn't belong
She's my own peeping tom
Flowers every day
The cops they tell her to stay
500 feet away.
She's sleeping on my doorstep
She hasn't hurt me yet

[Chorus]
Oh oh oh
She's following me
Oh oh oh
She's out of her tree
Oh oh oh
She's off of her rocker
I want to marry my [x3] stalker

[Bridge]
This morning she wasn't there
I hope that she still cares

I almost gave up hope
But today i awoke
To a private note
She says she's going to jail
For going through my mail
But she'll stay on my trail

[Chorus x2]
Oh oh oh
She's following me
Oh oh oh
She's out of her tree
Oh oh oh
She's off of her rocker
I want to marry my [x3] stalker

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh [x2]
I want to marry my stalker
Title: Stalker
Artist: Goldfinger
Music List(s):
Stalker Songs


I have to admit what sacres me more than these songs is that to find them I Googled "stalker songs". There are way too many of them and way to many sites that list them.

skoots1mom said...

i'll be there, Michael Jackson

'just call my name, and....I'll be there!'

...hey, it's snowin' here!

nikkipolani said...

I'm sorry -- those alternative lyrics to Every Breath You Take had me choking on my morning tea -- too funny!

My ADHD Me said...

wahahahahahahaha!

Jacinta said...

the Bangles;
I believe it's meant to be, darling
I watch when you are sleeping, you belong to me...

one of my friends told me that she was going to make a music compilation of 'Songs to Stalk by'. followed by a sequel, 'Songs to be Stalked by' including, i'm being followed by a moonshadow.

Roxanne said...

My brother and I LOVED Bloom County. . .we would laugh so hard, and our mom would read it and there would be *crickets*