This Actually Happened

You know how, when you come back from vacation, you say to yourself, "Self: Now vacation is over. You have got to get your crazing eating under control. You probably put on a few pounds, but don't panic. You just need to get right back into your regular just-a-notch-under-crazy eating habits and things will be better." You feel kind of bloated and guilty, but you decide not to dwell on that negativity and just start over, right? Well, imagine leaving your vacation with this kind of guilt and then this actually happens ....

Scene: We're leaving Florida, boarding the jet for home. As I enter the plane, the steward reads my sweatshirt and says to me, "Ahh, you've been to Siesta Key." 

By the way, I rarely ever wear words. I just don't. But I left my fashion comfort zone and bought a hot pink hoodie that clearly says, "Siesta Key."

So the steward remarks about my shirt and asks a typical question like, "Did you have a good time?" or some kind of small talk chatter. I smile, say yes, and keep moving. 

Jorge is right behind me wearing a visor which says, "Siesta Key." 

The steward then remarks to Jorge, "So you went to Siesta Key. She went to Fiesta Key, and you went to Siesta Key. Well, well!" I realize that the steward has mis-read my shirt. He is not joking; he thinks we went to two separate places. After all, he has no idea we're a couple. 

So he made a mistake, but who holds up a line going into the death tube in the sky to make that kind of trivial correction? (Also by the way, regarding my fear of flying, the pilot was playing Words With Friends as we entered, not exactly a pilot-y activity, if you ask me. He should have been reading up on physics or something. And did I mention we saw the Denzel movie "Flight" while we were in FL? Eek.)

As I said, though, I was about to let the error pass, when I hear the steward say, "So she ate and you slept, huh?" Jorge laughs nervously and says, "Yeah." And the steward chuckles and says, "Well, that's what it looks like: she ate and you slept!" 

?????????????? Excuse me? (They don't make enough incredulous question marks for me to type here.)

So I look over my shoulder and protest, "HEY." 

And you should have seen those two bucks in the glare of my white hot stare. I think the steward realized what he had done, and Jorge just hurried me on down the aisle to avoid being thrown off the plane if I should  stop everything and file a formal complaint about the steward calling me fat.

Once we sit down, I say, "What was THAT??" Mocking the steward I go on, '"You look like you slept, but she looks like she ate for the duration of the vacation." "I mean, what was THAT?"

And then like a good toady, Jorge says to me, "You know who he sounds like?" 

"No, I don't."

"Like that donkey in Shrek!" 

Jorge is a comical genius and diplomat. I let the steward live and keep his job knowing that when I lumber around talking with all that food hanging out of my mouth like sloppy water grass out of a hippo's mouth, at least I don't sound like a cartoon donkey. 

So we land and decide to eat at Cracker Barrel. Just as I finish my meal, our server stops at our table and remarks: "Wow. You're done already?! Gee, you didn't have to hurry through it like that. Wow. No need to chow down. Take your time and enjoy your food!" etc., etc.

???????????????????????  Are you SERIOUS??

I can't even tell you what else he said because I was in the Land of Disbelief - that a server would say that to a  customer--a female--ME!

And he didn't even sound like a donkey. 

So here I am, back in the land of the Non-Beach-Dwelling Corn-Fed People, two days before Thanksgiving.

I think I'll have TWO pieces of pie Thursday, in honor of my two biggest cheerleaders. Or maybe think of them ever so fondly when I see turkeys roasting in ovens. 

And so here is another post filed under, "I Know You Think I Make This Stuff Up." But I don't. This actually happened ...

Random Stall & Instant Vacation

On Thursdays, I usually post my own answers to the Random, but time got away from me. That's really bad: I don't have enough time to do my own blog meme. Instead, here is a little peek into my random head about how to get an instant vacation. I may or may not be back tomorrow with the Random answers--I'm getting ready for a weekend at the lakes with my girlfriends, so we'll see. Sometimes it takes me the equivalent of a weekend to pack for a weekend.


Look at this pristine white sand and these beautiful handiworks of God called shells. This is sand from the beach at Siesta Key and shells I collected from the shore.

Believe it or not, this is in my bedroom, soon to be at my desk at work.

How, you ask?

Simple! By putting my treasures in a fishbowl, I can take my beach anywhere I want to go. And guess what--no joke--if I stick my face right down into the bowl, I can smell the ocean!!


If only I could figure out a way, like Jeannie, to blink my eyes and be IN my "bottle!"




What would be in YOUR instant vacation "bottle" or "bowl?"

25th Anniversary Siesta Key Pics

First of all, if you are uncomfortable seeing Jorge the Jabanero and me in swimsuits, look away. If you are going to criticize my choice to post swimsuit pics, just grumble to yourself, please. I've been working long and hard to get to the place where I could wear a two-piece in public, and I was celebrating the achievement when I was down there. Do not rain on my parade. Just know that I automatically know some will not approve. I'm not losing sleep over it.

All we did was lounge/play games on the beach, eat, sleep. That is it. If you're looking for sight-seeing pics, these will bore you. We basically took pics of the beach, each other, and some food.

It was the best vacation we ever had.

Do you see Sarasota there? That's where we were. No tar balls on the beach. They migrated north.



The flowers you'll see were waiting for me at the condo from Jorge. That was a NICE touch.

The sand was pure white, soft as baby powder.

Did I mention it was the best vacation we've ever had?

Sigh. Here ya go, if you're interested.

The Office Assistant/Blogger Has Left the Building

I started to say "It's that time of year again," referring to vacation time, but we don't necessarily take annual vacations.

And it has been about 15 years since Jorge and I went away together for an extended period of time.

But by the time you read this, Jorge and I will be on our way to beautiful Siesta Key, Florida, for our 2nd honeymoon, a 25th anniversary celebration.

I'm having a little trouble getting started packing, and that is why I'm sitting here with you now.

I think the older I get, the more difficult it is to get up and go, you know what I mean?

I just told my mom goodbye on the phone. She was shocked that we are leaving, even though I was just plucking her eyebrows at her house last night telling her all about Siesta Key and definitely told her when we were leaving. I felt a little sorry for her and told her I would call when we get there. That made her feel better.

And then she asked me, "Are you going to take shorts?"

I have no idea why she would ask that, except we had already been over the speech where she worries out loud and she couldn't think of anything else to say.

She worries, you know.

Did I mention my baby girl is at Myrtle Beach with a friend as I type this? I had to have a little talk with her before she left.

I worry, you know.

I didn't ask her if she had packed shorts.

See you all soon--lots of beach pics to follow, I hope!

Pictures!

It begins with "Hiking the trail" and ends with "Here's where I wrote my column." If you followed my posts while I was on vacation last week, the pics will make sense. And the program will not let me correct "acquarium," which was a typo, unless maybe you wanted to "acquire" an "aquarium," and then you might say this is my "acquarium."