Saturday, January 27, 2007

Raise Your Hand if You Hated Home-Ec

Raise your hand if you hated home-ec.

Those of you who do not yet have teenagers have probably lost touch with home economics in school, which is now called FACS, for "Family and Consumer Science." This term is obviously a misnomer because the word "science" implies direct correlations between cause and effect, linear thinking, and streamline procedures. If your household with teenagers runs like a science lab, I suggest you verify their place of birth because they are not from around here, meaning planet Earth. And Maury Povich wants to talk to you.

Let me compare/contrast the true home home-ec with FACS.

Recipes

School:
Baby Girl's 8th grade recipes are typed out on 8 1/2 by 11" papers. They begin like this: Before you pre-heat the oven, check to make sure oven racks are centered in the middle. Gather all of your utensils and measuring cups (16 listed in all, including dishcloth). Count out 24 paper muffin liner cups. Place liner cups in muffin wells.

Home Home-Ec:
Recipe is written in pencil on back of cardboard piece torn from a Little Debbie box. "Get in here; you're the one who wanted to make this! OK, put down the dog and wash your hands. Crawl into the cabinet and look for the cupcake pan I haven't used since you were eight. Better wash it. Pre-heat the oven." (Oven dings.) "What is that smell? Oh...(opening oven) Now who left the fish sticks in from last night?" Baby Girl: "Mom, we had fish sticks Wednesday night."

Procedure

School:
19 steps in all, PLUS 9 for the next day, and I am not making that up. One actual step: Crack eggs into coffee cups. Check for freshness by smelling and looking for the white chalzae [What is that? Makes think of Charlize Theron] around yolk. Another step: When your cheesecakes are cool, cover with plastic wrap, then aluminum foil that has your name, period, and kitchen # on it. Actual step from "next day" instructions: Everyone will sit down and eat together with proper manners.

Home:
Reduce six steps to three by throwing everything dry in a big bowl, then throw in wet stuff. Crack the egg already. You're tapping it like you're doing Morse code. OK, if you see Charlize Theron in your eggs, they're bad. When they're cool, don't waste the plastic wrap--your brother will eat 12 right away, and your dad will eat 6, which leaves 4 for your sister's boyfriend and one for you and me. Maybe you should go ahead and eat yours now. Every man for himself.

Clean Up

School:
Do not leave the room without your teacher inspecting your dishes as well as kitchen area. Do not leave the room until you have permission.

Home:
Lick these beaters. Good job. Swoosh them around in the measuring cup water to prepare them for your dad to wash. Spray out your bowl with hot water. No need for soap since we did not lick the bowl. Go take a shower and get the splatters out of your hair. Wait--how did you get splatters in your hair? Did you lick the bowl??? Nevermind, I don't want to know; it's already in the cabinet. Do not come back in here or ask to make anything else for 7 business days, which does NOT include weekends. You're dismissed.

8 comments:

Barbara H. said...

This cracked me up! I was a Home Ec. Ed. major, but it primarily served to show me how far I was from the ideal -- my style is more your Home-Home Ec., especially the cake baking. I was amazed that they changed the name, too -- what a mouthful.

Melanie said...

Funniest post ever. If this is what they teach in school about running the home, no wonder girls want to major in political science and run the country.

I am linking to this today for others to read!!! Fine writing indeed.

Jeana said...

Love it. Just like at my house, except we lick the bowl. And by we I mean me.

Big Mama said...

Oh, you crack me up. I always just try to block out all the unhygienic practices that take place while Caroline and I are baking something. If I send cookies, eat them at your own risk.

Susan said...

Tooooo funny!! DS 3 took home ec last year and loved it. He sewed a pillow in there that was bigger than half his twin-size bed! I finally had to get rid of it...that thing was a BEAST!!

We never made cheesecake. I think he got gipped!!

:-) Susan

Beck said...

So funny! I took "Family" in grade 12 for lack of anything else to take and I used to fall asleep during discussions of budgeting our imaginary children's wardrobes.
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Susanne said...

I almost lost it at if Charlize Therone is in the egg it's bad. I will never look at a cracked egg the same again. Great, great post.

samurai said...

Haha - I remember taking 'Home Ec' in HS. I liked it ok. But it has made me the designated sewer in the family! :)

Good post! :)