Tuesday, June 26, 2007
Instrument of Torture
One of these tools is used to clean corn on the cob. One of these tools is used to scrape skin off your heels.
Perhaps I got them confused.
All I know is, my ultra-smart friend Madelyn, while sitting by her pool, commented that one needn't pay over and over for a pedicure when one could simply buy her own scraper and scrape the unsightly skin off her heels and soles.
"Really?" I say, with the tight-wad wheels in my brain beginning to roll.
"Really!" she said.
Fast forward to Target, where I'm waiting to get my 'scrip filled. Passing time, I round the the aisle, and what do I see before me, all lit up from above like it had been sent down to deliver me from the ugliest feet in the world?
"The Hitachi G23MR 9 Inch Foot Skin Grinder. Equipped with IDI technology that significantly strengthens the body of the tool. The G23MR deburs diecast products and can also be used to cut soft steel materials as well as grooving and cutting concrete and other stone materials. As well as your nasty foot skin, Lady."
So I brought it home, followed directions and began something like my own Ron Popeil Ronco infomercial:
"Can your razor do this? And this? And this? Can it take off ugly sheaths of skin and prepare your tootsies for those cute sandals you're dying to wear in 30 seconds or less? Watch this woman slice and dice her own dead skin to get to that lovely pink new skin just waiting to be unveiled!"
OH. MY. GOSH. The pain. The blood. You don't know. You don't want to know.
Picture the infomercial camera panning to my husband, who was running for TOILET PAPER, which is what a guy does when he knicks his chin. But I needed something as thick as a blanket or a cushion off the couch to soak up all this blood. What a mess.
So for a couple of days, I've been walking like I have high heels on, even when I'm barefoot. I tip toe to the mailbox. I slide my shoes off at work under my desk. I hold my heels off the floorboard when I press the clutch or accelerator.
Yes, I found my tender skin. I found skin that should not have surfaced until my grandchildren arrive in 2016.
So yeah, you can do it yourself, but--I started to say be careful. But "careful" isn't enough, so I'll just say: Be afraid ... be very afraid.