Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Thirteen Reasons My Husband is Not Allowed to Die Yet










It always hits me when he travels ... the "what if" syndrome. You know, "what if" he dies and I am left with the weight of the world on my shoulders, the shoulders now stripped of any '80s power foam padding. Vulnerable shoulders.

Anyway.

Here are 13 reasons why my husband is NOT allowed to die yet.

1. This morning I tried to plunge our clogged toilet to freedom. No go. So I called Husband in, and down it went, tout de suite. Now, he may have plunged it in his underwear and splashed yicky water all over everything while he went at it like a jackhammer, but he got it done. Sometimes "effective" isn't pretty.

2. My daughter's homework notes say that our sun is the most powerful source of renewable energy. It is not. It is my husband. His radiating heat is vital for surviving December in Indiana when you first get in bed at night and you're freezing your Hoosiers off. He is the heat meister.

3. I don't do math past 10. Not 10:00; I mean the numeral ten. He was a math major. Someone has to count out our daughter's lunch money each week.

4. If he died, who would drop me off at the door when it's raining (or snowing, or windy, or crowded ...)?


5. He is the last remaining person on earth who can look me straight in the eye with a straight face and the conviction of Rhett to Scarlett about her drapery dress and say, "Linda, that meal was delicious."

6. Some people make such a fuss over three little words: "I love you." Yeah, they're OK, but I am also very fond of another set of three little words he expresses often and creatively: "You're not _____." [old], [crazy], [frumpy], [dumpy], [chubby], [Sneezy], [Doc].

7. He is the official turkey-lifter-outer of the oven at holidays. This is a significant cornerstone in the structure of our marriage. If he died, I just might have to re-marry to fill this void.

8. If he died before me, who would serve as the sounding board to all my great opinions, deep thoughts, questions about why people are dumb, the re-telling of my dreams, my fashion dilemmas and crying jags? He is the greatest listener. He just sits there quietly, always remaining calm no matter how agitated I am, breathing in, breathing out ... making that buzzing noise in his nose and head and reacting to my most exciting stories with sudden jerks as if he's falling or something, but really, he's in total "deep listening" mode.

9. Who would translate the garbled dialogue and convoluted plot structure of his British mystery movies for me? Who would wake me when they're over and tell me to go to bed?

10. There would be nobody around to reminisce about the time our high school vocab teacher, Mr. Wallace, went off on our mutual friend Mark and sent him to the Dean on the very first day of class. (An inextirpable 1980 vocab flashback.)

Reasons 11,12,and 13: I need help with these wild creatures who are not all the way raised up yit:





PS: He has returned home safe and sound. And ready to listen all about my day.

28 comments:

ellen b. said...

Linda! That was a great TT. I'm amazed at how much harder life is without hubby around. He's been in LA while I'm in Washington the month of December! Yikes. Your humor is delightful...

Nicholas said...

That was a lovely list!

Greatfullivin said...

Linda, you just crack me up! Maybe your daughter could count her own lunch money! My hubby has been in Ohio since September, working. He only gets home every other weekend. It IS awful. I hope yours doesn't die.LOL. Merry Christmas.

Bernie said...

Oh, how sweet... I love all of these...

Have a great TT, and a very Merry Christmas!!!

Melanie said...

Well, I am glad you thought this one through. You should get it notarized. ;.)

Sandee (Comedy +) said...

Works for me. What a unique way to do Thursday Thirteen. Have a great day. :)

Sandy Carlson said...

Beautiful. Reminds me to feed my guy a few vitamins!

Merrie said...

You are such a romantic!

The Garners said...

This was a fun post! I found your site during the Tour of Homes! :)

PJ said...

Love your list!!! Great humor with truth. Or is it profound truth with humor??? Whatever!

Susanne said...

Can't forget the runner to the store for forgotten roasts.

Your hubby and my hubby must come from the same gene pool. Toasty at night!

#6 made me laugh out loud.

Natalie said...

My hubby's so not allowed to die either. Sounds like you have a keeper!

My TT is up too if you want to check it out. :)

His Girl said...

fabulous in every single way! my list is very, very similar- well done!

SJ Reidhead said...

I am so glad someone has a sense of humor!

The Pink Flamingo
http://thepinkflamingo.blogharbor.com/blog

damozel said...

That was funny---and poignant. I know just how you feel. I'm inclined to panic whenever mine is a few minutes late.

13 Extraordinary Winter scenes

Judy Thomas said...

Hi, Linda! I loved your post.. it was great. Thanks for visiting last week...this has been a crazy month and, as much as I normally love Christmas, I'll be glad when it's over this time! Have yourself a great one :-)

Hootin' Anni said...

I LOVE #6!!!!

Happy 13ing.

{Karla} said...

Linda - I still can't get your feed!! Are others still having problems?

I love this list. And that picture of Carol Burnett is killin' me! She's one of my favorites.

Happy T13 and Merry Christmas!

Blessings,
Karla

Susan Helene Gottfried said...

Awesome TT! That's how I often feel about the Tour Manager, who will begin travelling in the new year, I believe. Ulp!

Happy TT!

Dont make me get out my flying Monkeys! said...

Even though Im back from vacation and feeling blah, I took some time to post for my friends on my wordpress blog! http://palofmine.wordpress.com

! Come take a look, and visit my cruise pictures! myspace/maydakmom

samurai said...

What an awesome testimony to your beloved husband!

*Rae* said...

That was a great list Happy TT & Happy Holidays

Lois E. Lane said...

That is very sweet. I was thinking about the same "what if" after I saw the movie trailer for "P.S. I Love You." Don't know if I'm emotionally stable enough for that one yet :)

Johanna said...

That brought up a lot of reminder about what a good dude my own husband is, your husband sounds like a turkey lifting hero, and a lucky man. I LOVE your daughter's expression in the last picture- I see this in my own home- here it's the "humoring the touchy feely matriarch" face, your daughter's might mean something different, but the arms jammed straight down at her sides are priceless...I love teenagers!(And I mean that, I'm not being sarcastic!)

Joyismygoal said...

Good reasons

Fiddledeedee (It Coulda' Been Worse) said...

Okay, NOW I know why I love you so much (in a respectful blogging way, not in a creepy stalkerish way). Your use of effective imagery. I'm a gigantic GWTW fan, and Carol Burnett's parody still makes me pee on the carpet.

Also, your use of the word "prevarication."

But, that goes without saying.

I think your husband is a keeper. I've got one of those too.

Mommy, the Human Napkin said...

Linda, you crack me up! I've told my husband that he is forbidden to die before me. Who would take out the garbage and move heavy furniture for me when I decide the living room needs to look different? Them's man jobs!

That last picture made me laugh out loud, too. My seven-year-old assumes that same pose sometimes.

4ever_youngchurchlady said...

Hang on to that "keeper", from the one who's Heat Meister went north and turned into a Mr. icicle.... Mr. Snow... Mr. 10 below..... Stay grateful for that Crow! :-)
Merry Christmas and good lunch with this years Root Beer Ham!

//Luv Ya Sister!