Friday, May 02, 2008

I Know You Think I Make this Stuff Up, Part 2

Piece of advice: If you ever need a recipe quick-like, write a post about your son bringing two friends home from college and and plead for help in feeding them a respectable meal. Your bloggy friends will not let you down; I know whereof I speak. Thank you all for not wanting to see me fall victim to myself once again. Although this was not a contest, I shall announce which one I chose after I see if I ruin it or not. I did select one from the comments, but it's important that you know that I love you all equally. You're all my favorites. Paula loves you, too.

When I found out Jordan was bringing his friends home, I was at work. He called to see if it would be OK to bring them. Apparently, they are running out of meals on their meal plans which their parents bought in the fall. Imagine that--college boys eating up their food points early. Anyway, he sounded so happy, and I am thanking God that he has come to love school. Well, at least love being there with friends.

So the thing I hate to do, cook, has suddenly become a labor of love. That's the thing about mothering, it's all one big labor of love, from the time you notice you've gone to the bathroom 20 times in one day when you're first pregnant to the day you unpack them at college. Did I mention I know whereof speak here, as well?

So at work, I began to think, "What will I make?" But I also began to think, "We have, like three plates and three glasses left. There are hard water spots on the silverware. Nothing is clean. The lawn needs to be mowed. I'll have to go to the grocery. Wowsers. This is sounding more and more fun."

So after work, I picked up some dishes on sale at Kohls. Then I went to get Kristin at school. When we got home, I loaded the new dishes into the washer, and put the old glasses into a sink filled with a soap scum remover cleaner (hard water). After I de-scummed them, I gingerly put a few glasses into the dishwasher and promptly broke one. Nice move. ("That does it. I'm buying some glasses.")

Did I mention I also picked up a micro-suede cover for our 20 year-old La-Z-Boy? I've had a Sure-fit cover on it for several years now, and it looked terrible. Obviously, I couldn't have Jordan's friends sitting on that health hazard. The new cover is brown. I don't know if you have had any experience with slip covers, but I have, and it's never pretty, literally or figuratively. I tugged and pulled and stuffed and grunted and actually worked up a sweat trying to make it fit. Kristin was supposed to be doing her homework, but occasionally, I'd look up from my wrestling match and see her looking at me with the same expression as if she were watching "A Very Special What Not to Wear: Fashioning Outfits Out of Pork Products and Legos."

I took Kristin to dance class, and then I went and picked up some placemats because I'd been needing them anyway, and now is as good a time as any to snatch them up, right? I certainly wouldn't buy pretty placemats simply for college boys' sakes!

I brought Kristin home and left for groceries, but before I could leave, I had to clean out the fridge. As you can see, Jorge's father is STILL baking several thousand loaves a week. I told my girlfriends that if my father-in-law had been an apostle, Jesus could've fed 500,000,000, no problem at all. Anyway, Zoe was underfoot, so I gave her a little piece of chicken to gnosh on while I continued to clear it out, and all of a sudden, I heard her going, "Haaaack. Haaaaack. I'm dyyyyying." I realized I had given her buffalo chicken, which is a tad bit "tangier" than kibbles and bits.

That is when I noticed blood on my kitchen floor.

No, it wasn't Zoe's blood. It was mine because I cut my hand somehow clearing out the shelves.

So I stopped my refrigerator chore and went for a Band-aid, but all I could find were huge ones. In fact, the size I found is only good for an injury incurred should someone jump 8 feet up into a whirling ceiling fan and slice her neck. Then she would need what I found in my medicine cabinet. I just stood there, not knowing what to do.

That is when, in lieu of a Band-aid, I applied five or six slightly burned pizza rolls to my tastebuds because that seemed sensible. After all, snacking gave me time to think about what to do next.

So I wrapped my finger toilet paper and went to Walmart, because somehow, that seemed appropriate.

I got the goods, came home and began to make the Ken Lee cake. But, as if I weren't under enough stress, Jorge was insisting that I listen to the Tivo'd Neil Diamond singing his song about faith. Jorge was very impressed by this apparent testimony to Christianity and even more adamant that I stop right then and there and appreciate Neil, but I was no mood for Neil. (See previous post on bias against Neil. Sorry.) And yet, Neil was blaring away while I was trying to bake Ken Lee for Jordan and said college friends.

Did I mention I'm PMSing?

So that's how I took two steps forward and fifteen back into bloodied, expensive, soap scum-removing, dog-endangering, furniture re-upholstering, Neil Diamond torturing, bane of my existence cooking moments. All for my boy.

Do you think he'll notice the dandelions?


The Preacher's Wife said...

I wonder if The Boy will appreciate that you actually bled trying to please him?


Hope you have a great visit. !!


Roxanne said...

I do not think Jordan's friend will care WHAT you cook or WHAT he sits atop while eating it as long as it is hot and plentiful. . .and free. At least for him.

Teri said...

If this much happens the day before the event I can't wait to hear about the event!

Seriously, have fun serving your boy and his friends! I guess they never get too old to be their hero!

DidiLyn said...

When Josiah came home from Afganistan he told me that while growing up all he ever wanted to do was eat out.Pizza, burgers, chicken, whatever. Now all he wanted was a meal cooked by Mom at home. Nice, huh?
(He's back to pizza, burgers, chicken. Whatever.)

sara said...

the first thing my college age daughter does when she steps into our home is hand me a list of all the "foods" she has missed and wants me to fix! She may not miss me, but atleast she misses my cooking! :)

Muddy said...

I think at the point I started bleeding I would have broken down, drove to KFC and called it a night. You did good to carry on even with Neil Diamond playing in the background.

Susanne said...

Ahhh, a mother's love knows no bounds. Your the best!

I feel sorry with the suggestions I left. For some reason I totally misread and thought they were coming for the weekend. Not just dinner. So my suggestions were along those lines. Oh well, nothing like humilating my anonymous self on the world wide web.

I'm sure whatever your making will turn out just great. And the guys will appreciate your efforts and sing your praises back in the dorm. Enjoy your son's company this weekend.

samurai said...

I laughed, and then I got worried, then I laughed again...

First I laughed because your plea for help in feeding a pair of college boys. You sound a lot like my beloved wife. She is working at a bistro at a local University and she come home with stories all the time. 8D

Then I was concerned, not just because of your bleeding hand but because I have two pre-teen sons... 8/

Then I laughed again because you mentioned about how certain things are going on in your 'system'. I laughed because I have a calender reminder when the same thing happens to my beloved. I need the reminder because other wise I really have no clue what is going through her mind! 8D

Great post today... may He give you and your house a peace filled weekend!

Jen said...

I just love you. I am totally (LIKE, TOTALLY!) following the entire train of thought -- buying the dishes, placemats, glasses, no bandaids except big ones, etc. It seems every year right before the Christmas party, I feel the need to completely redecorate my house. Imagine how I'll feel year after next when Rose comes home from college.
You can bet I'll be emailing you!

Melanie said...

I think I have come up with a solution to the cooking anxiety- Xanax. Or at least a B Complex (works for me!)

And don't stress too much. College boys will eat anything. They will just be glad that they aren't getting their meals from a lady in a hair net.

Although you might want to remove the toilet paper from your hand. ;>)

Mocha with Linda said...

You are too funny. I don't know how you can take the daily-ness of life and turn it into hilarity.

I bet those boys would be perfectly happy with some of that homemade bread, butter and something to drink!

I guess the Ken Lee cake is having a red velvet tinge to it since you were bleeding?!

SJ said...

Wow! What a day! Maybe you just need to eat that Ken Lee cake all by yourself...before they arrive, inhaling all evidence that it existed, then get some Ho-Ho's and toss them at the boys and say "Here's dessert". They wont care. Really.

Miscellaneous From Missy said...

Oh Linda! I TOTALLY LOVED this post because I TOTALLY relate to it. In fact, when I finished reading you made me sigh with satisfaction just knowing that you are out there.

Have fun with your son and his friends! :-)

Kelly @ Love Well said...

I believe your son and his friends all sport the "Y" chromosome. I predict they'll notice nothing but the food.

Erin said...

I have so many days like that...that's why I tend to just sit in front of my computer. Then at least I know I can accomplish what I'm setting out to do and not hurt anyone in the process. Very safe pastime. Hope your weekend is great and that the boys appreciate all your hard work and blood!

Teresa said...

This is why I keep coming back. You make the ordinary, everyday things so funny! I hope your meal turns out well, and that your son appreciates the blood and sweat put into his visit -- literally!

Debbie said...

Oh my! I'm with Kelly though. Those boys won't notice anything else as long as there is food and a TV. Anything better than Pop-tarts, Ramen, or Kraft mac & cheese is bound to please! Try to relax and enjoy the visit.

p.s. I bet they'd love the tortilla soup like you fixed for us. We certainly enjoyed it.

Darlene R. said...

I hope that aftr all that you have a great weekend! I get to ride 4 hours on a church bus with 26
K-6th graders tomorrow...

...wanna trade?

Ann said...

It's going to be great! His friends are going to LOVE you!

Marsha said...

I wish you the best weekend possible with your son and his friends! You deserve a terrific weekend!

Can't wait to hear how it all turns out!

marina said...

Linda, you wore me out I was so tired reading everything you did !
You are a great MOM!!!
and I am sure the bloy's love there meal, marina

Kelley said...

Oh my goodness, I am exhausted just from reading this! I can't imagine how you must feel!! I am thinking you have a little Marthaplexy going on. LOL.

Have a great visit with your son, I know once they get to college those rare visits home are truly precious!


A Stone Gatherer said...

Wow! I am so impressed for your abilities to entertain on short notice! Can't wait to hear how it all goes!

Cindy-Still His Girl said...

I'm so proud that you took the time to take photos! THAT is blog dedication.

Have a great time with the boys! :)

So I wasn't sure about Neil Diamond's song; if it WAS faith or more about a girl named Grace who is amazing. Either way it was a great song, well-written and I loved it!

Carol said...

HI Linda,
I am sooooo with you on the dislike of Neil Diamond's music. I'm sure he's a lovely person, but I have never understood how he sells records. My M-I-L LOVES him. And I also got the same feeling as Cindy, that his song Amazing Grace was more about a woman that the hymn. Sorry, Jorge. :) ~ Carol (
PS I have a recipe posted for Saturday Stirrings that Jordan and his friends would love and it is soooo easy!

Julie Stiles Mills said...

We sometimes invite friends for dinner just to motivate us to finish home projects, clean and try out recipes!

Great blog! I found you through Mocha with Linda.

Sing4joy said...

OH MY GOSH! My sides HURT! You are hilarious. Truly funny describing every day life!