Thursday, July 03, 2008

Day 3: SAHM Breakfast

Never has a week flown by so quickly. Determined to milk every SAHM moment, I rose this morning to immediately begin preparing a traditional country sausage-biscuit-gravy-egg breakfast extravaganza for the fam. That is, "traditional country breakfast" as in "What's that stuff, Mom?"

Those of you who drop by here regularly knew to cue the horror movie music right then, didn't you.

I shall not disappoint.

I fried the sausage all right, although I tend to "brown" food a little more than the average person, since I grew up with a father who liked everything burned. I mean burnt. Burgers on the grill weren't done until you couldn't tell the difference between the briquettes and the burgers. Ah, I can taste the carcinogens now! My dad's motto: "'Fried' is only one 'n' away from 'friend.'" OK, he didn't really say that, but, you know, it's my blog and everything, so just go with it.

So when my husband said, "You're burning the sausage," I said, "You're welcome!"

I popped the biscuits into the oven, totally remembering to pre-heat it first! (I know! It's like I should have my own cooking show or something.)

Then I removed the sausage and began preparing the gravy (which has no "e" in it, although someone paid a lot of money for that misspelling in the neon sign above.)

I couldn't remember exactly how my mom told me to do this, but I knew it had something to do with flour and milk and lumps and salt and pepper.

So I worked my magic there, finding it at once too runny and then too thick. I kept re-working my magic every other turn to get just the right consistency. You should not have to "re-work" magic, people.

Finally, I had it just right--enough milk gravy to fill a couple of plastic milk jugs and a crock pot. We could have gravy anytime we wanted from now until Christmas morning!

Everyone knows you don't just serve your food without tasting it first. My bucket-o-milk gravy was a little, oh, how shall I say it ... milkishly milk-toast bland. And white.

Fortunately, my emergency-back-up cooking instructions in my head from when I was 12 and my mom was instructing me kicked in: "Needs salt." Because if there's one thing my dad likes besides carbonized meat and potatoes, it's salt. In fact, there is a running joke that if you ask my dad if he likes a particular dish, he's liable to reply, "It's good! It's salty!" Synonyms, for sure.

So I added a coupla t's of salt and some pepper for color. Because just like in home decorating, you need at least a little bit of black in every room, or in this case, in every dish. It's what the experts call an "anchor." (I cannot believe how I must be wowing you with my SAHM cooking/decorating knowledge right now.)

So after I anchored my gravy, I added the meat bits back in and called the fam.

The dog came running.

I served up the biscuits and gravy and took orders for eggs. (I know! I was amazing.)

My son asked for a fried egg. My son got a reasonable facsimile, which I think exceeded his expectations.

My husband asked meekly, "Can you do an egg over medium?"

I snorted smugly. "Of course I can."

I could hear them eating while I was trying my second egg, but the accolades were not wafting over to my ears. In fact, compliments were not even trickling in.

Then I flipped my husband's egg over easy and broke the yolk.

"Scrambled eggs, Honey!" I called out.

It's not my fault, really. I have a funky old pock-marked Teflon skillet and an Easy Bake Oven-quality spatula. Taking those tools into account, I would say I excel at eggs.

Finally, I joined them and asked about the gravy.

"It's pretty salty," they said.

I beamed.

And then I tasted it again, and my tongue shriveled up and fell out.

I forgot that sausage itself has a bit of salt to it.

Only my dad could handle this kind of serious sodium.

You know it's bad when you have to change from plain "salt" to "sodium."

Suddenly my family appeared to me as a deer family at a salt lick.

Oh well. At least I can spell "gravy." And it's not like I don't have two more chances today to get an edible meal on the table.

What else do deer eat?


Rebecca said...


That is some quality hilarity right there.

I cannot make eggs either. Well, I can make omelets...really big messy omelets that I overstuff.

But not eggs.

Eggs are deceiving because it sounds like they should be simple enough, but no, they are not simple. At all.

I hope your next couple of attempts at SAHM cooking go better.

Brenda said...

You can almost never mess up cereal for breakfast. That's what my kids get. :D I don't think even my fancy breakfasts would involve gravy.

Stacy said...

Boy, can I relate. I have cooked more bad meals.

My poor children think I'm the "best cooker ever" when I make Easy Mac and microwave hot dogs.

Stacy said...

I totally feel you on this one. My mommy-heart wants to be a great cook, but it just isn't happening for me. I am so glad to hear that someone else out there struggles with this. :-)

Merrie said...

I love Cracker Barrel for all those reasons! I am NOT a breakfast cooker - but do well with shakes and cereal!\

Thanks for making me feel right at home - salt and all!

Debbie said...

Gravy? Wow, when you go into SAHM mode you go all out. Gravy is way to lofty a goal for me to even attempt. I tried a couple of times years ago and got flour paste instead.

annie's eyes said...

Nothing like a Southern breakfast, and I think you got it right--sodium oozes from the plate. Your dad and my mom must come from the same meat cooking school of thought, as she was convinced it wasn't dead until it was white. Thanks for the smiles!

Gretchen said...

Um...I thought deer were vegetarians. You're welcome. ;)

Sorry to hear about your tongue. Just send to to Seattle. We' for the holiday weekend. It should plump right up again.

I know...I'm a pretty sick individual to have thoughts like that, but...well...I guess there is no excuse.

Laurie Ann said...

That's too funny! I'm impressed, though, at your calmness through it all. I am *no* Paula Deen. How do they make it look so easy on tv? I break the yolk every time I try to fry and egg, and I gravEy? I tried to make it once and cried when even the dog wouldn't eat it.

Anonymous said...

My 11-year old makes great eggs. Her daddy taught her how.

Me? Well, there was this occurrance with kabobs two weeks ago. The pineapples looked...cajun-ish...and the chicken looked...sushi-ish.

I was saved by my daughter's eggs.

Michelle said...

Laughing till I cry!

It's always eluded me what people like about something that looks someone already ate it, and it didn't sit well, like biscuits and gravy (I can spell it too! Yay ME)

I'll just have coffee please.

Mocha with Linda said...

So funny. At least your family will last forever now that they're salt-cured!

Life In Progress said...

Bless your heart! This was, as usual, a super-clever post.

Darnelle said...

So you know that part of your 'Kingdom Purpose' is making me laugh cuz I'm grumpy in the a.m.

Glad you're back!

The only things I know about deer are the tales that my hunter-crazed-bro-in-law tells. I don't think you'll find them helpful.

Lelia Chealey said...

Sounds better than the dinner meal you had on June 20th! :)
Got the camera so expect a pic tomorrow! ;)

Amy said...

My first time making sausage grav-e-y was too funny. I couldn't get the consistency right so I kept adding a little more flour, then a little more milk. I finally had SO much gravy that I had to get another pot. I ended up with two huge Tupperware mixing bowls full! It was good, but we ate it for days and days. LOL!

Anyway, if you go back to my TT you can click on the words chocolate mousse cake and it will take you to the recipe. Hope you like it! I'm too lazy to make the cake from scratch so I cheat and use a boxed mix. And I make a little more mousse than called for because it's so yumm-e-y!!

Teri said...

Awww Linda, they are deer now....aaahhhheeemmmm...Babmi?

Sweetie, you better get up in the morning and redeem that breakfast or you never know...she could be at the next salt lick.

Now if that isn't motivation for you girl, I don't know what is.

I want you to know, you can always count on me to tell you how it is. ;)

You crack me up Linda! Love your stories!

Melanie @ This Ain't New York said...

Your cooking posts have me rolling.

I think that you and Clinton (since you are BFF's now) should launch a new show- "What Not To Cook."

PJ said...

You soooo make me laugh. Anybody who can write the way you do, should have a full time cook!! (Tell that to Jorge!)'ve inspired me to post a recipe for biscuits and gravy at my Mexabilly site....Maybe tomorrow...I'm to tired tonight. :)

I also like Melanie's idea of the "What not to COok" show ESPECIALLY with your BFF Clinton!

Paula (SweetPea) said...

That was absolutely HILL-AIR-E-US!
An absolute hoot. You are a wonderful story teller.

You are right about that sign. I wonder how many comments they get. I bet someone would pay bucks for that. I had a friend who would take photos (many she had) of typos on signs. She wanted to write a book (I guess picture book) on it.

Jackie @ Our Moments Our Memories said...

Oh boy. You've outdone yourself with this one. I've never, ever attempted to make biscuits and gravy, so I totally admire your (ahem) attempt.

Roxanne Kristina said...

Thanks for the giggle!
So funny!


Teri said...

Ummm yeah maybe Babmi likes gravey too.

Duh, it would help if I spelled BAMBI correctly. Proof read much? Um, NO!

Kelley said...

I am embarrassed to admit I have never heard of a salt lick. Or maybe I should be proud to admit that, I don't know?! Next time you might want to try some grits with bread pudding on top.....

Susan said...

Oh no! This sort of thing is precisely why when the urge hits me to be a "little Martha"..I step away from the kitchen! Still, at least you "made a memory"!

Alison said...

Too funny! Making good gravy is very hard and takes lots of bad batches to get right.
I remember one time when my mom was gone on a ladies retreat and I made homemade biscuits and gravy for me, my sister and dad. We started eating the biscuits and none of us could figure out what the problem was, because they tasted really bad...then Daddy said, "Let's try some salt". As it turned out...I had forgotten to put the salt in to the dough. So we opened up the biscuits and salted them, then ate them. We all laughed about that for a while.