The barrage of drug commercials is driving me nuts.
I mean, when I was a kid, before the Internet was even a gleam in Al Gore’s eye, the main drug commercials were for Bayer Aspirin and Alka Seltzer. And I hardly paid attention to those because they generally featured old people over 25 or baby-people younger than I, who really needed to stop whining about a little fever because after all, they were getting to stay home from TV school and have their TV moms make them TV chicken noodle soup while they watched TV kid shows. I, on the other hand, had to face another day with the scary Mrs. Dittmar and her light-deflecting cat-eye glasses of the first grade. Not that I was bitter.
Now, it seems, in spite of having more drugs available than the human mind can comprehend, we’re all unwitting experts in knowing which meds treat what malady. I bet if I said, “Cymbalta” right now, you would not think, “Lion King” but you would immediately think, “Very sad people. Depression!” and you would be right. I have to say that the Cymbalta people portray the best fake depressions I’ve ever seen. They deserve Emmys. Just looking at them makes me want to get therapy.
Some drug names conjure up other scenes in my brain.
For instance, I can totally picture this dialogue in any high school hallway in the year 2030:
“Hey, Celexa! How’s it going?”
“Oh hey, Paxil. It’s goin’ pretty well. Hey, didja hear about Allegra?”
“No! Tell me!”
“Yeah, she’s like totally making a fool of herself over that new kid, Tavist D.”
“Oh him—he just transferred from Questran High.”
“Yeah, but to get to Tavist, Allegra’s gonna have to get by Astelin and Emadine, and they both staked claims on Tavist the first week he was here.”
And some of the names sound like science fiction characters:
“Captain Zyrtec—are you aware that the Chlor Trimeton Force is on our heels?”
“Yes, dang it, Sergeant Zocor, I’m aware that we’re under siege! But we cannot overlook the rebel forces of the Lipitor and Crestor factions, either! I need assistance at the helm! Zocor! Get me Lieutenant Prozac! Don’t just stand there … That was an order! Get me Prozac--NOW!”
I might have mumbled that last line a few times myself when my kids were little. Or last week when my 15 year old got her driver’s training manual.
The worst commercials, of course, are for E.D. (erectilus dysfunktionus) featuring Cialis (also known as “tadalafil,” and I’m not making that up … “Ta-Da! lafil”), Viagra and Levitra. Going by the number of broadcasts and duration of the commercials, you’d think this is the number one medical catastrophe in the world.
Really, if I have to hear about marathon … results … one more time, I’m gonna pitch a serious fit--of the infamous Burger King letter-to-the-company kind.
Do you think it would do any good to email the networks/drug companies and tell them how we feel?
All I know is, we’ve come a long way from the Always feminine hygiene ads where women exclaimed: “The darn thing has wings!” to ads for such personal items that they have to bleep out actors’ words and substitute train whistles and waterfalls.
Ridiculous. And now please excuse me while I go get a Bayer aspirin for this headache.
And, is it my imagination, or does this girl have a paint set in her sickbed AND her mom puts on funny glasses?? No fair!