Monday, March 16, 2009

Excuse My Ventilation!

Pertinent Facts for the Vent:

I am a highly allergic person. I’m still sneezing from the pollen of 1977, so I know that I’ll be sneezing in heaven because Jesus did not say we would not be allergic in heaven, only that we would not be married, and really, I feel more closely tied to my stupid allergies than to my husband, so I’m pretty sure that he’ll live in a bungalow next to mine in heaven and it’s the allergies I’ll be living and sleeping (or not sleeping) with.

You could say that Jorge is like a third party hanging around in the background all the time, and the allergies are like a really loud, possessive, jealous nagging friend who hates the third party “threat.”

If my allergies had a face and personality, they would be Amy Winehouse.

In the last couple of years, my fatal-attraction allergies have stepped up their insanity by doing this to me every couple of months or so. And then my lids peel for several days.


That red aura in the pics is what happens when demons get under your eyelids.

I’ve been passed around from doc to doc like a hot potato at a six year old’s birthday party. “I don’t want that thing! Here ya go!” “Hey, no way!” “ACK!” “HAHAHA.”

But Friday I had my limit.

I went to an eye doc to tell him that
1. I need a new prescription because I can’t see as far anymore and can’t drive at night.
2. My eyes are monsters.

My first mistake: an appointment at 3:50 pm. Doc is ready to get home and watch Oprah, apparently, because he won’t let me finish a sentence.

Then he tells me, “No more contacts.” Which made me want to tell him, “No more respect for you” a la the Soup Nazi.

Then he tries to put me in bifocals.


Notice how I demoted him from doctor to mister.

So they give me the dilation numbing drops and do that exam.

I go out to order new glasses, which I hate, hate, HATE to wear, and they are closing because it’s after 5:00. Plus, I cannot SEE desks and chairs clearly due to the drops, let alone frames that I'll be wearing on my face and prominent proboscis for who knows how long.

There is a mix-up about insurance. I cannot remember Jorge’s soc. sec. number. I am almost crying at this point.

I leave without ordering glasses, and realize as I’m driving home, my pupils are still dilated enough to suck in all the light from around the earth, and I’m trying to get home with my eyes shut as much as possible, which is a interesting way to drive. Photoshop a steering wheel in front of French Stewart, here, and that's me.

So I’m crying from stinging eyes and sheer frustration.

I pull into the dark garage, lay aside my glasses, put my head on the wheel and cry for like two minutes.

I go inside and start to Google “Giant Papillary Conjunctivitis” and realize I left the glasses in the car. My head just about explodes cartoon style.

I hate the glasses!

Jorge calls, and I can’t find the phone, so I grab the “bad” phone, the one with a perpetual buzz in the background, but not before the machine picks up. I hit a button that, I think, turns off the machine, and I begin to spill my guts to Jorge.

About five minutes into the vent, the phone buzzes really loudly. I realize I have inadvertently taped the whole sordid, convoluted conversation with Jorge, which, yes, I did indeed play back for myself just to hear what it’s like to be Jorge listening to me.

It's like this; that's what it's like.

Can I just say: I am lucky to still be married after all these years of conversations like that. No, more accurately, I’m lucky to still be alive. If he killed me, he could use the self-defense, “She was killing me first.” No jury would convict him if they heard these conversations.

So today, I go to get my prescriptions filled for two bottles of drops. The total came to $70.00.

I read the side effects: “blurred vision, irritation, inflammation, stinging, burning, swelling of the cornea and iris, discomfort, foreign body sensation, increased pressure.”

It’s like they opened the thesaurus and looked for different ways to say, “every symptom you're trying to avoid by actually using these drops.” But they forgot to add, "Oh, and you might feel like Samson under attack from the Philistines when using these drops."

I put the drops in at work, not realizing one was thick like milk and the other came out in tablespoon-fuls. But no worries; it’s only $35 per tiny bottle.

Plus, you’re not supposed to let the dropper touch your eye.


So, I’m trying to be positive now.

I hope this works. I would love to have pain-free eyes again. I’d love to have eyelids that feel like skin and not crepe paper. Eyelids with normal eyelashes. I’d like to wear makeup again someday (Oh, the sorrow and hideousness of no eye makeup) … I’d like to run over my glasses and then put them in the blender … wait a minute; that’s not positive.

Let’s see … I’d like to break my glasses into little pieces and make a mosaic of the doc’s face. Yes, that’s a definite improvement in attitude!


My ADHD Me said...

So I am not the first to notice that the majority of side effects for MANY of our meds are actually what we are trying to get rid of.

Now that you are out of that car....STAY OUT!! At least you are able to see a little bit better!

Anonymous said...

Oh Linda! I am so sorry! I feel for you all the way thru this post. If you need help gluing the pieces of your glasses into a mosaic of the doc's face...well, I'm here for you!

Roxanne Kristina said...

I dread spring allergies too. Have also tried everything. This year's strategy: Nasonex spray (sp?) and Singulair.


Patrice said...

Ahahaha!! I think you just described me to a T.......I throw rants like those once in a blue moon!

Hopefully you will be on the road to recovery soon, real soon!

Kingdom Mama said...

This is so awful!! Yet, amazingly funny! I love how you always do that.

Chel - An Abiding Branch said...

Oh Linda!!!! I want to cry for you!!! What an ordeal!! Should we call Benny Hinn? Perhaps he could knock you, eh hem, touch you and you shall be healed. (note of apology for those who believe him.) Anyway, I wonder how they would test allergies for the eyes...And btw you are BRAVE!! I am quite glad my conversations have not been recorded, although when we really fight we claim we're gonna bring one next time!!! lol
In love and empathy, Chel

Shawna said...

I SO want to hug you right now. I have a basketful of eyeball dilemmas of my own, but I feel your pain. Allergies. Contacts. Glasses. Near blindness when sans corrective lenses. It's a horror flick waiting to happen, I'd say. Sometimes I close my eyes and "do life" in darkness for a few seconds, feeling my way around, just for practice. I'm sure I'll be much nearer to blindness as I age, and I want to be as prepared as possible.

My mom swears by washing her eyelids with baby shampoo to "cure" eye allergies. She gets very puffy and red too. I mostly just get the stringy gunk that comes out in gobs on my fingertips...and itchiness, burning, and dryness of course!

Good luck absorbing $70 worth of eyedrops. I sure hope you receive a healing. And picking out new glasses sounds like fun. Do it when you can enjoy it and pick the perfect "YOU" pair. Don't do it when you're irritated and upset. Good luck! Can't wait to see them!

Renna said...

You poor, poor thing. :-(

You've convinced me to quit complaining about my own allergies, the fact that I haven't been able to wear ANY make-up at all for years, and even the fact that the old pair of glasses I use to read the computer at night are a pair which belonged to my 33yo son when he was ten....because CLEARLY your eyes and allergies are worse than mine.

I may sound silly, but I sincerely do empathize with you.

Tabi said...

Ahhh...I can't even imagine....I was cringing the whole time just hearing about it so I bet this just isn't pleasent! I'm mainly cringing because I too have the worst allergies and is this what I have to look forward too? Hysterical phones calls to the hubby hoping he won't divorce or kill me???
In all seriousness, I will be praying for you, praying those drops work!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry you're miserable but I've gotta say, your account of it was so funny that I nearly spewed my coffee all over the monitor. Considering that my kids killed one monitor already this week, perhaps you should have a spew alert? Kidding, I really hope you feel better and I REALLY like your blog -- everything about it!

Robin @ Be Still and Know said...

As a life long wearer of glasses, I can highly recommend rim-less no line bi-focals. All you have to do is fork over wads (and wads) of cash and no one will ever know that you are wearing bi-focals. You totally can not see them at all. Also the rimless frames are very light and you really can not feel them on your face.

Sometimes I wonder exactly why rim-less glasses are more expensive than traditional frames seeing as there are no frames but some things I think are meant to not make any sence.

Anyway I hope you eye issues are relieved soon and you are back to yourself in no time.


Pamela said...

I truely understand the hate the glasses thing. I could barely see the "big E" on the eye chart without glasses/contacts. I would never where my glasses out in public. A few years ago for an anniversary gift Wes did all the research and told me that he wanted me to have the lasik eye surgery if I wanted to. No small gift because it cost some big dollars we added the lifetime clause to it. It is the greatest gift he ever gave me. I stopped having all the nasty "eye goop", I can see the clock when I wake up in the morning without having to put on glasses, etc. We also added up what we had spent on contacts and glasses over the years and wished we had done the surgery many years ago.

Hope your eyes and allergies get better quickly.

marina said...

its been a bad year for allergies I am having a hard time breathing these year and its been very dry over hear
you poor thing I hate those side effects I hope you get to feeling better soon,") marina

lmerie said...

Bless your heart! I hate allergies - but they only make my eyes, throat, side of my nose and ears itch. Well, and make me have to make horrid noises to "scratch" those spots.

Hopefully you will have a good rain to give you a few hours of a break from the fallin pollen :)

The Bayou Belles and Their Beau said...

What a day, lady!

I, too loathe glasses and my non-surgically-treatable eyes. My left eye is so bad that I have to get a custom fit contact made in California. They're bad. I'm just sayin' that I feel your pain.

There was a time when the doctors told me I couldn't wear contacts and I had similar feelings toward them that you have. I wasn't takin' no for an answer and found a doctor that would fit me.

And despite all the "oh, you look so cute in glasses" statements, I detest them. I think only people that don't HAVE to wear glasses say that.

Stupid glasses.

Stupid bad vision.

BTW, I do see the similarity in the Amy Winehouse pic, but only in the swollen eyes. Actually, your swollen eye pic looks way more attractive than her drug-induced pic.

Melanie @ This Ain't New York said...

Linda! I hope you find someone who suddenly will have a lightbulb moment and figure it out. Then go back to that doc and tell him all about it. How awful.

Mocha with Linda said...

So sorry, my friend. When I saw the picture of Lid's lids, I thought "I've had that." No fun. But in addition to the drops, try warm wet compresses on your eyes a couple of times a day. And yeah, washing your eyelids with 1/2 water and 1/2 Johnson's Baby
Shampoo really will help prevent it.

Hugs to you. The Eyes of Texas are Upon You.

Dawn said...

I am so, so sorry! My daughter has problems with her eyelids, too. Her doctor said it was a type of eczema (which she has elsewhere) and prescribed a type of cream. I'd love to share what kind of cream, but she's worn all the printing off the tube. (Sigh.) That and using high-quality (yeah, pricey!) hypo-allergenic eye make-up keeps her eyes in pretty good shape with only minor occasional flare ups.

Have you tried a dermatologist yet?

Praying you'll get relief soon!!!


Lois Lane II said...

Oh, dang, girl! I can't believe you were able to drive home after those stupid drops!

I went to an eye dr. one time (when I was trying to find one in my "new" hometown after I got married) and he told me my eyes were a weird shape and if I started having blurry vision or something else (see? Can't even remember!) to go to the hospital IMMEDIATELY because...(wait for it, this is NO JOKE) my eyes were GOING TO POP OUT.

Needless to say, I decided to make the 30-minute drive to see my former eye dr. from then on.

RamblingMother said...

I had to give up contacts long ago after owning (still owning) two long haired cats and a long haired dog. Something about the contacts being the only hair capture thingy in my home and that is painful. Makeup was given up for the very reason you have, puffy eyes and flaking. It was gross.

annie's eyes said...

Stupid allergies. Stupid, stupid allergies.

Roxanne said...

I am sorry. . .I get fever blisters in my eyes. I think that is the ONE thing I forgot to tell you the other day. It only happens one every other year, but EACH TIME I have to explain to the eye doctor what it is, then convince them that I do, indeed, KNOW what it is andwouldyoujustgivemethemedicinealready!!!!!!!!!!

I am so, so sorry, 'cause there is nothing irritating like eye irritations. *Pat* *Pat*

Anonymous said...

Oh, you poor thing! I had an eye appointment this weekend too (including the painful stinging dilation drops).

I think optometrists have surpassed ob/gyns as the "doctor you'd rather not go to." This weekend, after he put the stinging drops in my eyes, he proceeded to tell me there was a dilation drop that DOESN'T sting (hello? why did you not give THAT one to me??). I have borderline glaucoma - apparently I have the eyes of a 70 year old woman, and he couldn't get the eye density test to work so he puffed about 15 shots of air in each eye because he couldn't "get a good reading." I've never seen this guy before, but I told him I wanted the same contacts I've been wearing for the past 4 years because they help with my focusing problems. He then tries to sell me Acuvues and when I tell him they don't work with my eyes he got offended as though I'd personally insulted him because I told him I didn't want Acuvues and then spent 30 minutes telling me why Acuvue was a superior contact to the one I was wearing. I was furious.

I can't believe you were able to drive after the dilation drops. I can't see or keep my eyes open after those!

I like the idea of making a mosaic of his face with broken glasses. Sounds very therapeutic. :)

fransmomma said...

you crack me up. thank you for allowing me to laugh at your expense.
i'm am so sorry you're dealing with this. my spring allergies are horrible and i loathe the approaching day here in the next week or so that they decide to kick in. so the skin around my eyes will still be dry and "peel-y", but from allergies, not weird anti-texas winter weather.
i would love to see a mosaic of your drs face, by the way.
oh, and the soup nazi visual was fantastic! that never gets old.

Chatty Kelly said...

So now is probably not a good time to call you Lid, since that is the offending thing right now. So, Linda, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this, but you've got a great attitude.

I'll say a prayer for Jorge. LOL! And you!

Laurie Ann said...

Welcome to my world with the peeling eyelids. I thought I was a freak. I don't feel so alone now. Seriously, I have a virus that hops from eye to eye and when my immune system weakens the virus, which lays dormant, attacks. I'm assuming it's the inside of your eyelids that are peeling. If not, I have just outed myself a the freak of all freaks.

Most excellent vent, and I have three words - even though I already exceeded that limit.


That was four but I had to add that lest you think I was just tossing out the casual, praying for ya!

The Quiet One said...

Awww Linda, I'm so sorry about your allergies... I'm a new allergy sufferer (lucky me!)so I can relate a little.

This was a great post though. I literally laughed and cried... at one point I laughed till I cried. It was great. Incidentally you may want to try making your posts a little less funny because apparently they frown on guffawing at work! ;)


Lynn said...


I laughed my head off at your expense. You are killin' me...

Truely I am so sorry and yes, I bet allergies will follow you to the Kingdom you have them that severely.

Excellent writing. You are a joy to read. Big, hugs...

Heather of the EO said...

I'm so sorry, Linda! Not that you're so funny, but that you're having such a rough go! Stupid hurried doctor! Rude.

I bet you look quite good in glasses though!?!

Me said...

Okay. So I simply MUST comment. If I were you I'd keep searching for an answer because here's the thing...the eye thing you described sounds JUST like something I've experienced off and on my whole life (and exactly as pictured). The difference is I don't wear glasses or contacts and never have! My mom used to think it was a dust allergy because when it started getting warmer outside I'd start using my ceiling fan at night, and she thought it was probably stirring up dust (just THINK of how gross those fan blades get). BUT it really turned out to be a pollen allergy because as I got older and then married I used the fan more and more throughout the year (in fact, every night now), and I was FINE until Spring came. Some Springs I have no eye problems whatsoever. Other times it's bad. I learned that if I put just a teeny tiny bit of hydrocortisone cream (1%) on my eyelids over several days it would take care of itself. But a few years ago out of nowhere I woke up and ONE of my eyes was so swollen I couldn't open it, and of course, it was watery and gross. I had to go to the doctor. He said it was a contact allergy (meaning I came in DIRECT contact with an allergen)--probably pollen on my fingers and then I touched my eye. It was weird, but he gave me a steroid shot and a few hours later it was totally back to normal. Do you take any allergy meds on a regular basis?? If not, I'd look into it if I were you. So many are available over-the-counter now. Zyrtec and Allegra are both good. And Benadryl at night! Be regular about the meds so that your body can block those allergens (histamines) the way it should. Hope this helps...Keep us posted on how you're doing! So sorry!!

Darlene R. said...

Stupid, bad, bad allergies!! I hate them! Especially sneezing right after putting on mascara...annoying.

I hope you have a better day tomorrow!

Becky said...

You poor thing. I hate it when things aren't going my way when I'm out and I'm on the verge of tears and there is no one to help or sympathize just stoopid people telling me that I am mental and they are closing five minutes ago and I will not be getting what I want because they are my eyes and I surely don't know what I am talking about but they will make me spend $1000 to make them worse...

... I hear ya sistah.

I would hug ya if I could.


Great post BTW, even if it was a rant ;-)

Becky said...

... I'll be prying for your poor eyes.

Dena said...

I too suffer from Springtime eye allergies, and may I just warn NOT try over the counter allergy eye drops. They will sting so bad you will literally want to gouge your own eyes out! And coming from someone who also had to give up contacts several years ago and go to glasses - I'm sorry. :(

Sandy said...

I don't mean to laugh at your expense but you are so hilariously descriptive!!! I wish for you allergy free days!

Heth said...

It's posts like these that make me love you even more than I already do.

Debbie said...

How great that you can be so funny while being so miserable! My son had those same eyes and we got those drops of gold. They really did help. I hope they will help you.

Beverlydru said...

At least somebody's laughing, but it deserves to be you. How do you come up with the accompanying photos for your posts? So funny.

Susan said...

Hoping things are looking up for you as I am reading this a bit late. Sounds like it was one mishap after another. Sending you big hugs!!

Susanne said...

Oh those poor eyes. I don't even know what to comment because I feel so bad for them swollen little things.

Vicki said...

Go see a really good allergist (they aren't all created equal).

This happened to my husband a few years ago and turns out he had developed a mustard allergy. The eye doctor didn't know what it was, the internist didn't know what it was, and frankly, they weren't very nice about it either.

2nd Cup of Coffee said...

Vicki--no blog??? No way to reach you! How did they discover this allergy to mustard, of all thing?

Debbie @Like a Rose said...

Sorry about your eyes and I so empathize about the glasses. My eye doctor strongly suggested I go back to them too - that's why it's glasses now for me. I still don't like them but I do hate them less. Wonder if they just do that to keep people working? I mean if everyone had contacts or laser surgery what would the glasses adjuster ladies do?

miss shortcake said...

Have you been tested for cosmetic allergies? I had the same symptoms, as well as burning tears that would blister my cheeks if my eyes watered. My dermatologist finally discovered what it was - it was thimersol, a preservative found in mascaras (which I don't often wear)...and in my contact solution. I didn't have to do anything except switch to BAusch and Lomb Sensitive Eyes solution (thimersol free) - maybe you should have a patch test done!