Monday, June 08, 2009

The Gastro-Inflated Pooch, It is Ginormous



We are in ACT III of Phase 4, if you didn't know. No, I didn't actually break this phase down into dramatic acts, but believe me, I have had some drama since Phase 4 began on May 26.

Gee, May 26 sounds like such a long time ago, like maybe May 26 was when the first monkey (Monknik?) was launched into space or something. I think it sounds so long ago because I've been so busy with life and with exercise and diet plans and Zoe peeing in brand new spots and my daughter moving back in and work gearing up for our biggest week of the year. So please excuse me while I take a breath to catch up.

I have indeed been faithful to the ol' 30 x 5 scheme since last I posted about it. According to Phase 4, I have been switching up my exercise routine and eating regimen almost continually. Right now, I'm back to slogging outside again and working with weights on the off days, and I'm getting a really good mix of fiber, fruits, veggies, water and protein. It sounds so perfect, and yet it has been oh so wrong.

My incredible struggle lately has been of the gastro-intestinal variety, which consists of my system taking on a life of its own and not cooperating with me at all.

It's like my bowels have said, "So. You're doing all of this new stuff. That's funny because I wasn't really planning on doing that at all. I planned on packing my suitcase and heading to Italy for a few weeks, you know, like a bowel sabbatical, if you will. Ciao, Baby."

And so, I feel like I've been carrying about eight baby kangaroos in my mid-section for about three weeks. I'm the Octo-roo Mom.

The gastro-inflated pooch, it is giNORmous, people. I literally feel like I'm housing a weather balloon. Perhaps I'll star in the sequel to Pixar's "UP" or as the middle aged Violet Beauregarde in the next Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

So last night, after three weeks, I gave in and took a laxative. And that was when the real drama which I mentioned in paragraph one began.

And ... "That was all," she wrote. Or gurgled.

So how are you faring on Phase 4?

18 comments:

Carmen said...

Oooo...not fun! Want the recipe for 1 point bran muffins? One a day will keep your bowels happy and your diet strong.

Mocha with Linda said...

I thought you were looking a little flushed!

Hope it all settles back to normal quickly!

Susanne said...

Are ya turning purple too? 'Cause then I'd really be worried! ;v)

I'm trying to make healthier choices for snacks but old habits die hard as they say and they are bucking me all the way, I tell ya.

sara said...

LOL! Can always count on you for a good laugh on a Monday morning!!! :)

I have not done so well on this phase...life is just getting in the way....but I am not giving up and get back to it when I can!!!

Mrs. E said...

Sorry, I am laughing at your pooch! Kind of reminds me of the saying...no good deed goes unpunished. You're doing good things for you and getting punished for it. I have a feeling it is all going to balance out eventually. I've amped up the running and biking and every muscle below the waist is crying! "We're all in this together!"

skoots1mom said...

i'm struggling to say the least...

Kay said...

Um yeah... fiber is something you're supposed to integrate sloooowly into your diet.. not overnight, since it can ahem.. wreck your system.. one way or the other. : )

Susan D said...

I'm hanging in there too. I even posted about it today. :)Fiber....ah yes. It's a love...hate thingy. It'll all work itself out. hahaha Blessings, SusanD

christy rose said...

Oh MY!

Liz said...

You might try eating Fiber One cereal. It's the only line of cereals that has a high content of fiber. I like the Honey Clusters, and it gives you 51% of your daily fiber needs. My body feels it almost immediately when I miss a day of this cereal. All other cereals that tout being healthy/whole grain/best-thing-ever are either full of sugar, fat, or have over 200 calories. Trust me on the Fiber One.

Greg C said...

Ok truth is I invented phase 4 and I am having trouble too. Although eating cucumbers at 5 am is preventing me from having the same problems that you did. Have you considered a colon flush? And don't forget about prunes.

I got back on my old standby machine this morning because my knees were giving out on the new one. I am so bad.

Angie said...

I tried to jump right into phase four last week after coming back from an 8 day vacation...making progress on some day, not so much on others.

Hopefully, this will be a better week.

Debbie @Like a Rose said...

Not good, not good at all. That sentence applies to both your situation and my progress on Phase 4. Although, maybe I'm doing perfectly because I am doing everything differently by not concentrating on anything to do with the first 3 Phases...
Birthdays, graduations, catering events= lots of food and little exercise time. Yikes!

Jenny said...

Wow sorry about that, but you made me laugh:) I am a big ole loser during this phase. It keeps raining so my switcheroo in the pool did not work.

Rach@In His Hands said...

Linda, you are too much. I love ya, lady. :-)

Shawna said...

You poor thing. That is no laughing matter. It is extremely painful and ruins your life while you feel that bloated. I have been extremely gaseous lately from eating so many vegetables, namely dark green salads and a lot of spinach. You just can't win!

Linda said...

Has Amy Grant called you yet?

"Rachel" said...

Is it wrong of me to be laughing so hard at your misery?? :)