Sugar Cravings

I will try to string some sentences together.

I'm on day 5 of not eating sugar. I'm mainly avoiding obvious sources, but I've cut out sugary yogurt, too. No Starbucks (I indulge only during the Christmas season), no Peanut M&Ms (my main weakness), no nothing.

Ohmygoodness. Cravings. MAJOR cravings. In the middle of a head cold, too.

It hits me especially in the afternoons and lasts until bedtime.

I get the urge; I re-direct my thinking.

I change what I'm doing.

I eat something healthy, like an apple or grapes. NOT THE SAME.

This is the 5th day, and I actually feel grumpy mean tonight. I feel restless, edgy.

So I Googled, "When do sugar cravings stop?" knowing I'd land on articles and discussions by super humans who have actually succeeded at this. Don't you know, most articles had a great big picture of some kind of sweets on the header. GIANT cookies! WHAT?! I scrolled down like I was avoiding porn.

The consensus is: the first week is horrible. By two to two and half weeks, the cravings should subside a great deal.

I honestly don't know if I can last that long if the cravings don't subside a bit. I've given up coffee for Lent before. That's what that pic above is about. I don't remember it being this AnNoYiNg.

Has anyone out there tried this? Did you live to tell about it? If so, please throw me a lifeline. But not a candy LifeSaver.

This Actually Happened

You know how, when you come back from vacation, you say to yourself, "Self: Now vacation is over. You have got to get your crazing eating under control. You probably put on a few pounds, but don't panic. You just need to get right back into your regular just-a-notch-under-crazy eating habits and things will be better." You feel kind of bloated and guilty, but you decide not to dwell on that negativity and just start over, right? Well, imagine leaving your vacation with this kind of guilt and then this actually happens ....

Scene: We're leaving Florida, boarding the jet for home. As I enter the plane, the steward reads my sweatshirt and says to me, "Ahh, you've been to Siesta Key." 

By the way, I rarely ever wear words. I just don't. But I left my fashion comfort zone and bought a hot pink hoodie that clearly says, "Siesta Key."

So the steward remarks about my shirt and asks a typical question like, "Did you have a good time?" or some kind of small talk chatter. I smile, say yes, and keep moving. 

Jorge is right behind me wearing a visor which says, "Siesta Key." 

The steward then remarks to Jorge, "So you went to Siesta Key. She went to Fiesta Key, and you went to Siesta Key. Well, well!" I realize that the steward has mis-read my shirt. He is not joking; he thinks we went to two separate places. After all, he has no idea we're a couple. 

So he made a mistake, but who holds up a line going into the death tube in the sky to make that kind of trivial correction? (Also by the way, regarding my fear of flying, the pilot was playing Words With Friends as we entered, not exactly a pilot-y activity, if you ask me. He should have been reading up on physics or something. And did I mention we saw the Denzel movie "Flight" while we were in FL? Eek.)

As I said, though, I was about to let the error pass, when I hear the steward say, "So she ate and you slept, huh?" Jorge laughs nervously and says, "Yeah." And the steward chuckles and says, "Well, that's what it looks like: she ate and you slept!" 

?????????????? Excuse me? (They don't make enough incredulous question marks for me to type here.)

So I look over my shoulder and protest, "HEY." 

And you should have seen those two bucks in the glare of my white hot stare. I think the steward realized what he had done, and Jorge just hurried me on down the aisle to avoid being thrown off the plane if I should  stop everything and file a formal complaint about the steward calling me fat.

Once we sit down, I say, "What was THAT??" Mocking the steward I go on, '"You look like you slept, but she looks like she ate for the duration of the vacation." "I mean, what was THAT?"

And then like a good toady, Jorge says to me, "You know who he sounds like?" 

"No, I don't."

"Like that donkey in Shrek!" 

Jorge is a comical genius and diplomat. I let the steward live and keep his job knowing that when I lumber around talking with all that food hanging out of my mouth like sloppy water grass out of a hippo's mouth, at least I don't sound like a cartoon donkey. 

So we land and decide to eat at Cracker Barrel. Just as I finish my meal, our server stops at our table and remarks: "Wow. You're done already?! Gee, you didn't have to hurry through it like that. Wow. No need to chow down. Take your time and enjoy your food!" etc., etc.

???????????????????????  Are you SERIOUS??

I can't even tell you what else he said because I was in the Land of Disbelief - that a server would say that to a  customer--a female--ME!

And he didn't even sound like a donkey. 

So here I am, back in the land of the Non-Beach-Dwelling Corn-Fed People, two days before Thanksgiving.

I think I'll have TWO pieces of pie Thursday, in honor of my two biggest cheerleaders. Or maybe think of them ever so fondly when I see turkeys roasting in ovens. 

And so here is another post filed under, "I Know You Think I Make This Stuff Up." But I don't. This actually happened ...

A Look Into the Dynamics of My Marriage & Late Night Snacking

Every night at some point, the point long-past dinner and a reasonable snack time, I want to eat.

But I don't want to eat because I know that it's not in the best interest of my health and weight management goals.

Knowing the right thing to do or not do does not remove temptation, as we know. So every night, I have this talk both inside and outside of my head that goes something like this:

"Wow. I'm hungry. I'd sure like to eat something."

Jorge does not answer. He has been down this path before.

"Can't believe I want to eat something this late. There's no way I should be hungry, but I just keep wanting to eat."

Silence.

As I make my way to the kitchen, I say, "Ack. I shouldn't do this, should I?"
This is a move which puts him on the spot; I'm requesting a response.

"What should I have? Or not have?"

Beads of sweat appear on his brow.

"I know you think I shouldn't be doing this." [Total projection of my feelings onto him.] "Don't try to stop me. You don't know how I feel."

Silence.

"OK, stop me. Tell me I shouldn't."

He shakes in his pirate boots.

Ok, we don't wear pirate clothes, but we should because we're very similar to this clip from Hook, featuring Dustin Hoffman as me, and Mr. Smee as Jorge. Behold the dynamics of my late night snacking frenzy, which is why I often add to my crazy kitchen conversation, "Stop me, Smee":

2nd Cup Remix, Life Remix (Resolutions)

Re: your comments on what I'm calling my "2nd Cup of Coffee Remix" post (shot in the arm, resurrection post) was heartwarming and overwhelming. Thank you for all of the niceness you bestowed upon me. Humbled!

As I write this, it is January the twoth, and so far, so good on a couple of resolutions.

First of all, I'm on my 2nd day of reading the Bible in a year. I've accomplished this once before, but not in 2010, so I thought I'd give it a go. Today, in the OT, Eve got into trouble, and in the NT, Herod killed a bunch of innocent babies. Wow, with summaries like that, you don't even need to crack your Bible if you're considering this plan.

(Why did I say "innocent babies" above? Are there evil babies? No. Not even the sibling in this, one of my favorite pics of all time, is evil. She's just having an Evil-Genius Power Trip moment. So scratch that redundant adjective.)

Fellow Losties will understand when I say I envisioned the Smoke Monster starring in the role of Satan in both stories. Anyway, I hope to keep this "reading the Bible" performance up because, as you know, being a Christian is all about performance. JUST KIDDING. I'm just proud of myself for doing something two days in a row besides breathing and eating.

Secondly, I'm already on my 2nd day of being a vegetarian. I know; My iron will is amazing. I warned you this was coming, but I only decided a few days ago to start Jan. 1. Honestly, I don't know if this will last. Today the family ate ziti that I had prepared, but I opted for a mix of rice, black beans, pepper jack cheese, a dash of hot sauce and one and a half eggs stirred up in a little skillet. I LOVED it. We'll see what happens when a pepperoni pizza comes waltzing by me on some lonely evening. I may succumb to temptation.

Thirdly, I'm on an exercising roll. My daughter's wedding is June 18, and as I have reminded myself and many others: There's a frumpy Mother-of-the-Bride dress out there waiting for me. My fear is that the only non-frumpy ones will be sleeveless (EEEEK). So I'm on a mission to tone up the wings.

So those are a few of my resolutions. Not revolutionary resolutions, I admit, but still, good ones.

I know, I know. You don't make resolutions. Hardly anyone does anymore. I don't think I did for the last couple of years. Some desire to do so kicked up in me over the last few days, and I just decided to go for it. We'll see what happens ... now that I've said them out loud, GULP, I feel a little more accountable!

If you have new beginnings, let me know!

New Summer Favorite: Limeshake Slushie

It's low-fat, it's cold, and it's limey. It's more like a slushie than a milkshake because it's not creamy. It's icy.

And I can't get enough.

Ingredients:

1/2 c. of frozen lime-ade right out of can (or less if you'd like a milder lime)
1/2 c. lime sherbet
1/2 c. skim milk
couple of ice cubes

Blend.
Sip.
Love.

I think the total calories is about 185, and the fat is nearly 0%.

If you're like me and also love the coconut, you could add a couple of tablespoons, if you don't mind the extra calories. The combination reminds me of that old song, "Put the Lime in the Coconut," only in reverse.

The Buckeye-Christmas Balls of Diet Death

You know, it feels weird to post this recipe because I feel as though I'm Mrs. Obvious, posting a recipe for something as common as a peanut butter jelly sandwich. But to my shock and disbelief, there are some of you who have uttered the words (in print) "What is a buckeye?" I checked, and no, you weren't being facetious. You really wanted the recipe.

Seriously? Are you the pod progeny of health nuts from Mars or something? (And I mean that in the most respectful way.)

Essentially, buckeyes could be likened to Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. Except you can't run down to the Dollar General and pick them up for $.50. NO, you have to work for them, which probably makes devouring them like a python swallowing a baby kangaroo even more enjoyable.

Basically, you have to roll little balls of sugar and peanut butter together and dip them in melted chocolate.

Excuse me while I pull myself together.

Buckeyes are a weak spot for me, a personal Kryptonite, if you will. So once a year, sometimes bi-annually because the havoc is so devastating, I make a batch. And then I try not to eat them ALL before Christmas. Epic FAIL.

Here's how you create the magic:

Ingredients:
1 1/2 cups peanut butter
1 cup butter, softened
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract

6 cups confectioners' sugar
4 cups semisweet chocolate chips

Directions:
1. In a large bowl, mix together the peanut butter, butter, vanilla and confectioners' sugar. The dough will look dry. Roll into 1 inch balls and place on a waxed paper-lined cookie sheet.
2. Press a toothpick into the top of each ball (to be used later as the handle for dipping) and chill in freezer until firm, about 30 minutes.
3. Melt chocolate chips in a double boiler or in a bowl set over a pan of barely simmering water. Stir frequently until smooth. You can add a little vegetable oil if you like to make the chocolate thinner and smoother.
4. Dip frozen peanut butter balls in chocolate holding onto the toothpick. Leave a small portion of peanut butter showing at the top to make them look like Buckeyes. Put back on the cookie sheet and refrigerate until serving.

Or tell yourself you will refrigerate them until a certain date, knowing full well you will eat several each night until there are none left for the poor losers who got "The Buckeye Shaft of 2009."

You're welcome.

On the Subject of Dieting and the Holidays

Many of you know I joined a gym in May. For a long time, progress was slow-going. And then, in early November, something magical happened.

I lost quite a bit. My total since May was hovering around 15+ lbs or so, or another way to look at it, 12 inches (compiled from all over.) Yes, even my neck lost weight. Way to go, neck.

And then late November came. Something UNmagical happened.

Do I have to say any more?

Was it the buckeyes? Was it the sudden craving for those frozen, tasteless, minced together chicken patties with the crispy coating? Was it Starbucks Peppermint Mocha?

The answer is yes, yes it was. "Yes" to all of these and so much more.

Wha happen??

I don't know! I think it is holiday mania.

We've had some stress here in the Crow household. I can tell you now that for a while we thought Jorge might have the "c" word, but the biopsy came back clean. His job situation is totally weird. Mine was looking weird for a while but appears to be OK now. I have no Christmas shopping done because we're doing everything differently this year, and yet, I feel a knot form in my stomach every time someone on Facebook exclaims, "Christmas shopping? ALL DONE! WHEEEE!"

At this point, "Wheee!" can only be met by my popping a buckeye into my mouth.

So this might explain the "lapse" in weight loss progress.

But seriously, have I eaten SEVEN pounds worth of buckeyes and such over the last week??

Once again: Yes, yes I have.

To top it all off, a girl I go to church with told me this week that she remembers looking at our house several years ago when we had it up for sale. I did not know her then.

She said, "It's the weirdest thing. I can't remember much about your house, but I do remember a refrigerator magnet that said, 'Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels.'"

Ahhh. That would be from when I worked at Weight Watchers.

I would like to amend that statement:

Nothing tastes as good as a buckeye washed down by a big old glass of milk chased by another buckeye.

So how are you doing with all the edible holiday temptation?

The Gastro-Inflated Pooch, It is Ginormous

We are in ACT III of Phase 4, if you didn't know. No, I didn't actually break this phase down into dramatic acts, but believe me, I have had some drama since Phase 4 began on May 26.

Gee, May 26 sounds like such a long time ago, like maybe May 26 was when the first monkey (Monknik?) was launched into space or something. I think it sounds so long ago because I've been so busy with life and with exercise and diet plans and Zoe peeing in brand new spots and my daughter moving back in and work gearing up for our biggest week of the year. So please excuse me while I take a breath to catch up.

I have indeed been faithful to the ol' 30 x 5 scheme since last I posted about it. According to Phase 4, I have been switching up my exercise routine and eating regimen almost continually. Right now, I'm back to slogging outside again and working with weights on the off days, and I'm getting a really good mix of fiber, fruits, veggies, water and protein. It sounds so perfect, and yet it has been oh so wrong.

My incredible struggle lately has been of the gastro-intestinal variety, which consists of my system taking on a life of its own and not cooperating with me at all.

It's like my bowels have said, "So. You're doing all of this new stuff. That's funny because I wasn't really planning on doing that at all. I planned on packing my suitcase and heading to Italy for a few weeks, you know, like a bowel sabbatical, if you will. Ciao, Baby."

And so, I feel like I've been carrying about eight baby kangaroos in my mid-section for about three weeks. I'm the Octo-roo Mom.

The gastro-inflated pooch, it is giNORmous, people. I literally feel like I'm housing a weather balloon. Perhaps I'll star in the sequel to Pixar's "UP" or as the middle aged Violet Beauregarde in the next Charlie and the Chocolate Factory.

So last night, after three weeks, I gave in and took a laxative. And that was when the real drama which I mentioned in paragraph one began.

And ... "That was all," she wrote. Or gurgled.

So how are you faring on Phase 4?

Coming Soon: Phase 3!

If you are new here, please go to the original 30 x 5 post so that you can be up to speed about this topic. I don't want to lose you! (How romantic of me.)

Very soon I will let you know the super-secret, totally organized plan for phase 3. I would tell you today what the changes will be, but I'm projecting the totally organized part into the future. Therefore, it is still technically super-secret today.

But have no fear, I'm still all about this. I recovered from the conference and jumped right back onto the elliptical horse.

It helps that I've wanted to look half-way decent for the pics today, Katie's college graduation day. And for the (gulp) book signing Sunday. Notice that's "book" in the singular.

I hope you've been sticking to your movement plan, as well.

One thing that I do plan to do is wipe the slate clean of the participants there on the right unless you leave a comment telling me you're still in. (Spring cleaning?)

In the meantime, you can add the button and proclaim to the world that you're committed. And you know, you definitely should be committed.

HA. That's a joke.

Just copy this text and place it in your gadgets widget in your blog layout.

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Friday's Fave Five

My pal, Susanne, at Living to Tell the Story does a weekly meme that I'm participating in today.



My theme is: Healthy Foods/Snacks!

Here are five of my faves this week:






I eat one to two flavors daily. It is the new ice cream. They even have white chocolate and Boston Creme Pie.










I get this at Wowmart, of all places. What makes it good is that it has a light breading that is oh so flavorful. Sun-dried tomato, garlic, Parmesan and spices. 220 calories per fillet. I am not a seafood lover. I do not even tolerate most of it. But this is surprisingly mild and full of Omega-3s. Bakes in 20 minutes. I'm eating this several times per week.





The Kashi bars of love which I mentioned Tuesday. Full of fiber and flax. And yumminess. Love them crumbled in the yogurt.










Almonds. I'm eating 1/4 c. a day. Very good for you. And in my favorite food group of all time. I could be a squirrel.










I know. You think they're fattening. Not so much. One half of a medium avvy is 140 calories. So I eat one mixed with extremely low-cal salsa on raw veggies instead of chips. Also like it mashed in pico de gallo.

Thanks for the meme, Susanne!

Irony

Factoid 1: My son hates spiders. Hates them.

Factoid 2: All summer long, he worked out every day with his dad after they got off work. My son (well, for that matter, my husband, too) has quite an athletic build. Part of his routine included drinking whey powder in milk right before he would leave to work out or immediately upon returning home.

In addition, he was big on eating cottage cheese for protein, which became his new obsession for the entire summer, so I was continually buying more cottage cheese. So if your local Walmart or HEB was out of cottage cheese this summer, it was because they were pulling it from your shelves and shipping it to Muncie to feed my boy.

What's the point, Dexter.

Observation: Ironic Equation.

Factoid 1 + Factoid 2 = The kid who hates spiders spent the summer "eating his curds and whey."

Fun Times, Fun Times and Why I Cannot Lose the Weight

*Edit: Did you know that today is Michael Jackson's 50th birthday???

Last weekend, my fam went to Cedar Point in Sandusky, OH. This is a self portrait of me in our luxurious hotel room. The kids and Jorge went to the park. I stayed back and blogged a little, and then I sat beside the pool and read. We ate out, which completely undid my progress on the Alternate Day Diet. But I'm not giving up, because PJ at Bits and Pieces has lost 12 lbs. on this diet, people. (She always was a show-off, right??) Anyway, we had fun. And just to prove it, here are my girls having fun hurting each other. Les petite filles are brutes.







"A Thing of Beauty is a Joy Forever" is the title of this shot because I love my French manicured toes. Today was Support Staff retreat, which means all of the secretaries, I mean, ministry assistants, have a day of pampering. We met at someone's home where we listened to a counselor talk about avoiding job and life burn-out. Then we each had half-hour massages, and our choice of pedicure, manicure or facial.

Then we had Panera catered in, which was not all that helpful to me in my endeavor to follow the Alternate Day Diet. Some of us swam in the beautiful pool. Meanwhile, back at the ranch, the staff were forced to fend for themselves and put their own postage on their letters.

Bet you can't guess what's under this chocolate.

Every Tuesday, I'm in a meeting with the representatives of all of our departments, from nursery to adult ed and all between. There are about 12 of us, 13 if you count the empty chair we leave for Jesus. No joke. It helps us be holy as we discuss why our ideas are better than everyone else's, and to be kind to one another as we explain why their idea will never work as well as the one we just presented before someone else cut us off and started down a whole 'nother path.

But sometimes it doesn't work and we fight over who gets to sit by Jesus. Thus, you can see that we are indeed true disciples aptly named, "The Discipleship Team."

Anyway, two weeks ago, somebody brought up the subject of chocolate-covered bacon, and one thing led to another, until we decided to make this Tuesday "Chocolate Day" because that would definitely help us be more creative and smarter and work together better.

So we each brought in some chocolate of choice. I took my friend's gourmet chocolate bark in espresso and peppermint. Yum. We had the fountain, the fruit, the Puppy Chow, etc., the whole shebang. And one staff member actually fried bacon and coated it in chocolate! So we all tasted that and even took some home for our kids to taste.

And of course, that didn't help my Alternate Day Diet efforts. FYI, the bacon was not that bad. It combined savory with sweet, like chocolate-covered pretzels, sort of, only with grease and fat. And that sure doesn't help anyone on the Alternate Day Diet.

So I'm not doing so well on my diet. But I have been having a lot of fun lately.

Perhaps if David had Fasted Every Other Day? (The Give-away!)

Perhaps the most famous portrayal of youth, vitality and general GQ hunkiness, young David the Israelite is forever immortalized in the moment he decides to take on the giant. (Michelangelo ~ 1504)







Here, young David the Israelite becomes the giant by eating fast food several times a week. (America ~ 2008)

I first saw these images at Nancy's site, Marie Millard. I tracked them to eternallycool.net who reported that the images are part of an advertising campaign by Scholz & Friends of Hamburg, Germany, who first created them for the German Olympic Sport Committee.

The original message: “If you don’t move, you get fat.”

And now, I present to you the winner of The Alternate Day Diet book by James B. Johnson, M.D.: "Robin," who doesn't have a blog but left me her email addy. I hope you enjoy it, Robin!

The Ups and Downs of it All

Come back tomorrow for a special announcement. But you might as well keep reading today since you're already here and everything.

If only I had a "wing span" of 6ft and swam all day long, I could consume 12,000 calories a day and look like Michael Phelps, only slightly cuter. Alas, I am a stubby blogger. "Blawg," even sounds like a fat bullfrog burp.

You'll remember that I scoffed a bit at the diet garnering all sorts of attention of late, "The Alternate Day Diet," discovered/created by Dr. James B. Johnson.

Subsequently, Dr. Johnson emailed me and offered to send me his book so that I could study up on the science behind the idea and give the diet a fair shake, no pun intended (because shakes do have their place in this diet.)

First of all, here are the diet basics:

*There is quite a bit of scientific data suggesting that calorie restriction = longer life and fewer inflammatory diseases. Allergies and psoriasis are inflammatory diseases, so maybe this will help. Hot flashes should be considered an inflammatory disease, but they're not.

*People can't sustain caloric reductions very long because willpower, schmillpower. However, they do seem to be able to go on a "diet" for one day. I would agree that 24 hours is the average dieter's limit for telling herself "no." If said dieter is PMS-ing, I'd give it 3 hours.

*The SIRT1 Gene is the new skinny jean.

*Stay hydrated and move around. Be the dolphin. ?

*Especially on the beginning, make use of shakes and meal replacement bars on down days. Accuracy is important.

*Down day: Consume 500 calories.

*Up day: No restrictions, but keep in mind nutrient-rich food over non-nutrient rich food. (Broccoli vs. Indiana State Fair deep fried Twinkie.) ("Sophie's Choice" vs. "Mama Mia!") Also keep in mind that thing about not being Michael Phelps.

* Journal your intake (Weight Watchers agrees, and they are right. You hate it? Do it anyway.)

* Use measuring cups. Boy, was this ever revelatory to me when I first started using measuring devices. Yikes. My cereal bowls were fit for Jethro Bodine.

So I took Dr. Johnson up on his kind offer, and last week, my book arrived. I read it over a period of three nights, and last Saturday I had my first true day on the diet.

On Saturday, I ate: one frozen diet-type meal for 280 calories, Alex! Then I ate a fat-free yogurt for 100. Then I inhaled a Granny Smith apple, which I fear put me over the limit because it was large.

And then I had a decaf coffee with cream, which made me nice again because I had gotten very hungry and very not nice, and cream in one's tummy makes one purr and take her claws out of the curtains.

Sunday, my first "Up" day, I went out to eat with my parents and brother and sister-in-law and kids, and I had FRIED CHICKEN WITH GRAVY ON IT. And then a side of MASHED POTATOES WITH GRAVY ON IT.

The only pool I swim in is the gravy pool.

Then that night, I ate ice cream. With chocolate and nuts. You know, just a snack.

In the book, Dr. Johnson claims that many people stop craving vats of gravy and ice cream as they progress on the diet. If this proves to be true, I will name my first grand baby, "Dr. James B. Michael Phelps Johnson" in honor of this miracle.

If you are seriously interested in this book, I'd like for you to have it. And as Dr. Johnson has paid it forward to me, so I shall unto you, if you leave a comment and I happen to draw your name in a couple of days. Just say in your comment, "Lid, gravy looks good on you. Now send me that book." Or something like that. If you want to comment but don't want the book, just say, "Lid, I don't need no stinkin' book, but I Ken Lee you." Or something like that.

And who knows, if you like the diet, we can share our "Ups" and "Downs!"

Hey! It's like I'm swimming across the page. Do you think this burns calories?

The Perfect Diet for Dr. Jekyline and Ms. Hyde

Public Service Announcement: "This is your blogging friend. In her natural habitat of eating anything and everything she wants, she's quite a friendly creature, sporting an M & M or two in her chubby chipmunk cheeks and a song in her heart."


"This is your blogging friend on day 2 of a diet. Do not stick your hand inside the cage."



"This is your blogging friend on day 3 of a diet. Be very, very afraid, and perhaps have clergy on speed dial in case you find yourself trapped in a room alone with her."

What can I say? Dieting is hard. On everyone around me.

I start off with a bang and end with a whimper ... for chocolate.

I cannot hide the Hyde in me.

So the other day, I heard about this new diet called, The Alternate Day Diet."

Basically, this plastic surgeon guy named James B. Johnson studied years of research indicating that the fewer calories a mouse eats, the longer he lives.

I believe this data. My theory is that the poor, starving creature wills himself to live until he can have one last mocha frappucino, and then he gives up the ghost, so to speak. So, starving him ironically gives him something to live for!

This research also poses a new twist for the "If You Give a Mouse a Cookie" series: "If you give a mouse a cookie, why don't you just run over him with a lawn mower and put him out of his misery because you're killing him, anyway."

My theory is that Dr. Johnson may have said, "Hey. If this 'starving' business works for mice, it's gotta work for humans because our DNA is identical." (Then again, Dr. Johnson and his fam. reportedly look like this:)


Therefore, Dr. Johnson created the "Up Day, Down Day Diet," in which you eat normally on one day and then severely restrict yourself the next. The plan is to do this the rest of your life, effectively cutting your calories in half and creating an inexplicable desire to sleep in a corner of wood shavings.

Here are the nuts and bolts of the diet: On the up day, you eat whatever and as much as you want, although he suggests not gorging yourself to prepare for the next day famine. (Chuh! Like I would do that!)

On the “down” day, you eat between 20% – 50% of your normal allotment. A guide to calculate the number of calories to consume is available at the link.

Let me just say that at my height, weight and age, I am, according to their calculator, supposed to have 2142 calories on my "La Vida Loca" UP days, and a mere 428 calories on my "Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald" DOWN days.

Apparently, this upping and downing tricks the body into activating SIRT1, a skinny gene. "Gene," not "jean," which is good because ain't nothin' gonna cause me to activate a skinny jean on this wide-leg body.

SIRT1 allegedly helps the body shed fat by releasing fat from the cells around organs. How this happens, I do not know. But firing up the SIRT1 supposedly brings about these effects:

The every-other-day period of low calorie intake is a form of mild stress which the cells of the body sense and respond to by turning on a gene called SIRT1. SIRT1 then activates many other genes which have health promoting effects, including reduced inflammation, lower free radical stress, improved insulin resistance, and better mitochondrial function. Taken together, these effects are anti-aging and anti-disease. To maximize SIRT1 activation, you should follow the JUDDDD and take eResveratrol (www.eResveratrol.com) supplements.

I don't know if they're talking Naomi or Wynona Judddd, but I think it's suspicious that they promote a nutritional supplement. (Read: $$$.) They also suggest using commercially prepared shakes of your choice for the first two weeks on the down days.

I noted a lack of any emphasis on running all night on a squeaky wire wheel or any other kind of exercise, but maybe that's hidden somewhere within the book.

Is it possible to follow this diet? I don't know. I do know that it mirrors the built-in inconsistency I display each and every time I diet.

It sounds crazy. It sounds and unhealthy. It sounds wacky and dumb. I just may have to try it!

What do you think about the diet? Have you heard of it? Do you think you could/would do it?