Thursday, April 03, 2008

The Average Day, Bowel Distress and the Wheel of Death

Every once in a while, I like to slow down my witty repartee here at 2nd Cup and just write about what happened during my day, even if there's nothing much to say.

Because "nothing much to say" is a little better than "nothing at all to say and no one will ever come back here again," so here is my day, in no particular order or significance of events because, well, you know. It was just a day.

I got my car back from being repaired due to my stupid! stupid! stupid! wreck.

I worked on writing a proposal at work that approximately 600 people are contributing to, so that's approximately easy. Occasionally my boss reads my blog. Does yours? And you SAHMs, don't give me that "My boss is a Jewish carpenter" line. But that's an interesting thought: "Does Jesus read our blogs, or just 'know' them?" I think I'll check Sitemeter locations to see if I can detect a URL that sounds like it could be heaven. I'll get back to you on that.

I dropped salad on my keyboard just now.
Or maybe "Someone" gave me a cosmic slap.

Our 21 year-old told us she's getting an apartment instead of moving home this summer. That really boosted my PMS morale.

I spent much of the afternoon researching gluten intolerance, because I think I may have it and one daughter may have it. Not that I'm a hypochondriac and just imagine I have it because one of my best friends does, either.

OK, here is the story. Yesterday, I went to get my weekly allergy shots and had another reaction like this one, only not as severe. So aside from all of my legions of allergy symptoms, I'm now also having cramps like labor contractions, only there is no let-up. I almost passed out it hurt so bad. And it happened immediately after I left the office from the shots (where I have to sit and wait 30 minutes instead of the usual 20 because of that last episode.) I drove away to get my daughter from school, and I thought I was going to have to pull over before I could get her home. I have some symptoms that go along with a gluten intolerance, at least. But I don't want to give up food, particularly since everything I eat is made of 90% gluten. I honestly don't know how my friend does it, but she said it turned her life around.

Anyway, I hope this is not it, you know, the "Big One," where I'll have to ... give up baked goods. I'll keep ya posted since you're riveted right now.

Speaking of sickness, my girlfriends who meet on Wednesday nights often discuss our middle age maladies and just die laughing because we are becoming our mothers, who tell us about their bowel movements in pretty much any conversation we have with them. It doesn't matter how the conversation starts, it will end with a bowel story somehow.

My mom is the master at this:

Phone call: "What did you do today, Mom?"

"Ohhh, we got up and had our coffee and devotions and got cleaned up, and boy was I tired!" (She's 82, so, you know.)

"Then we went to the mall and ate at MCL Cafeteria. They had the Jack Benny special."

"Really?" I say, totally seeing where that tidbit of info is leading. "Did you buy anything at the mall?"

"Yes. The worst stomach ache of my life, that's all, due to that ol' Jack Benny special! I cramped and cramped and had to go right home and medicate myself with [insert names of OTC bowel remedy products]. Finally, I was able to go and then I stopped cramping, but I think I'm going to have to go again because I'm having so much gas."

"OK, Mom, well, uh, I'd better get going ...."

So we all laugh because we have begun to ask about each other's ailments. That is sad. One time, when we were shopping, we found this novelty called "The Wheel of Death." You could line up your symptoms on this cardboard wheel and then look into the little cutout window and get your diagnosis, which was usually something so distasteful it shan't be repeated here. So now when we start complaining, someone says, "We need the 'Wheel of Death' for the definitive diagnosis here."

And that was my day today. Did I mention I feel bloated?


Life In Progress said...

Oh. My. The idea of no baked goods would panic me. I will be in prayer over you & your glutens!

Patricia Warren said...


This was too funny! And exactly why you're on my list of favorite blogs! I'm right there with you on everything! My mom called me this morning with "I was so sick when I got up this morning..." Then the list: meds, bowel movements, etc.

So to address a couple other things you mentioned...I have found that red raspberry leaf tea is a wonder drink for PMS. And I know all about that...those are my maiden name initials and I've lived up to them for several decades. ;-> I buy my tea leaves at the health food store in bulk. My kids all it my stash. But it works on everything from headaches to cramps. Mood swings? I use copious amounts of chocolate.

I also got the "Mom I'm moving out" talk from daughter number 2. This will be her second try.....

marina said...

Yes, I remember my mom talking like that... now its me and my girlfriend form Boston we talk about it all the time it seems like we wake up have our cup of cup she will call me or I will call her to see how how our day is going and sure enough we end up talkin about the samething.You are not alone!! and while I am hear Linda, you never said where you got those jeans? marina

Susanne said...

I cannot imagine giving up most of what I eat. Praying that it's not the gluten thing with you guys.

The Wheel of Death is hilarious. Now there is an activity for a ladies night out. LOL.

Ann said...

Linda, you are so witty! I was already cracking up just from reading the title of this post! I love your sense of humor, I wish I could come up with humorous ways to tell about my day like that.

MoodyBlue said...

SO glad you got your car back. You must be so happy.

Sorry you are feeling so ill after getting those shots. My niece suffers from celiac disease. She is allergic to gluten. But the easy part about it was she had it since she was an infant. So she doesn't know what she is missing since she never had it and knows she can't have it. It is hit or miss with her though. She is now 8yrs old and they try to introduce a "new" food to her each month. But I'll tell you this, she is the healthiest eater. There is no way I could ever do it...but I give her alot of credit. When her friends have parties or get togethers after school she always has to bring her own food. But her friends are all good about it.

That is so funny about the bowel talks. When my friends get together we all end up talking about PMS & our 'periods'...You have to see my husband roll his eyes when that starts. LOL!

annie's eyes said...

Oh my. We are becoming our moms. And we SWORE we wouldn't do that. Well it wouldn't be all, A

Cyndy said...

Oh man, I thought maybe it was just me and my friend (who not only has a gluten intolerance but about 170 other allergies) who regularly talked about all our middle aged maladies. I think I might have similar problems but am currently in denial. This cracked me up thanks for making my day!

Melanie said...

If I didn't know you were all crampy, I would laugh.

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear about your malady. I DO think we become our mothers!!! In this case I've become my father as well, I think I have dairy issues like his side of the family. Goodbye nachos loaded with cheese, mocha breves, all things cheesy, gooey and wonderfully fattening.

I am afraid to eat. Last night I had pizza.....not a good idea.

I look at it this way, if I eat better, I'll lose weight. That's good, right?

Robin said...

Oh, gluten free is on alot of my friends lists latley.

Darlene R. said...

Okay, I am so laughing right now because I just got back from the store and I went with my mom and she told me that she and dad ate at Pizza Hut tonight and "I haven't had my usual problem yet" was part of that conversation! Every time, EVERY time!

And then, last week I was at McD's with some friends and we talked about constipation and how Activia "will make you go every time"-- On that note, my hubby got up (he came to eat lunch with us) and said, "Well, I'm going back to work because this conversation is going to pot." Because he's funny and witty like that!

Ruthie said...

Can't imagine giving up all gluten. Yikes!

I love the way you blended these ingredients (wheel of death! I've gotta get me one) into a delightful post about undelightful topics. That's the sign of a master chef right there!

A Stone Gatherer said...

Love your nothing much happening post! Laughing at how we all talk now! Am I really middle aged?! When did that happen!!!

Robin said...

So, let me get this straight? We go straight from "momnesia" to bowel destructions???!



Elizabeth said...

You do not have to give up anything when gluten free - you just need to make it gluten free. I have cookies, cake, brownies, bread, muffins, rolls, donuts, pizza, pasta, etc... I just make it gluten free! So, if you do have an intolerance it is not as bad you are thinking.
And, it WILL change you life for the better!

Kim said...

I read your blog faithfully, but have never commented until today. I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease (the gluten intolerance) a few years ago and I was told that it is currently the MOST commonly diagnosed disease. I will also pray that isn't what you have, becasue it sucks!!!

Linda said...

Elizabeth and Kim--did you have canker sores?

Colleen said...

Oh, I LOVE your blog. And its pretty, too! (And yes, I *did* go get a 2nd cup once I read about the reason behind the blog name. Figured it was only right.)

I esp love the "Someone slapped me" - I feel like that happens to me quite a bit.

Thanks for visiting my small place in the blogosphere!

Mocha with Linda said...

Well, I'm certainly glad you decided not to go with the "witty repartee" today, because I would have hated to think this could have been any funnier.

Yep, my mom (81) called me the other day, and the FIRST words out of her mouth were "I need to go to the bathroom." She was worried I might call. That's what an answering machine is for, for Pete's sake!

And when you're a nurse, it's even worse. I couldn't believe the conversations I had with my dad before he died. Or rather, the conversations he had with me. I tried desperately not to participate!! :-)

Hang in there and feel better soon.

Faith said...

This totally cracked me up...and yup, my mom did this with her oldest sister and now I am saying this stuff with my bff and sisters! isn't middle age a blast??!!
(will be praying about your glutin thing. I can relate although with me i think it is lactose.)

Susan said...

I had a friend whose son had to eat gluten free and it really meant shifting that diet. We don't realize just how much until we're forced to do it. I pray that you don't have to do this.

And I had to laugh when I read about you sharing your maladies with one another! Yes, we DO become our mothers...don't we???



DidiLyn said...

What is our facination with bodily functions?? I, too, am afflicted. (with the facination, not the gluten intolerance)

PJ said...

Just an FYI. Giving up gluten doesn't mean giving up baked good. I developed a gluten reaction during chemo. I could bake with rice flour, potato flour, even coconut flour (Did that make some yummy muffins...but you can't use ALL coconut flour, it has to be in combination with rice flour). There are some others you can use too. The health food store will have it. You can get already made baked goods and mixes there too that are gluten free.

And just think. If you try experimenting with alternate flours, you could have stories of WONDERFUL kitchen disasters!!! Maybe write a book about it. Because it is a bit tricky!!! But the homemade is much better than the health food store made ones!

Kelley at Aroma of Joy said...

I hope you are feeling better soon. Funny how our whole life (and then our world) seems different when we don't feel right!


Phyllis said...

Oh my stars...I couldn't breathe for the laughing. My kids gathered round to see what my problem was or if I would share what was so funny.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any funnier, you mentioned the "Wheel of Death." That would just be the best ladies night out. Ever.

You are very talented and funny. Evidently, that Erma Bombeck seminar has paid off. =)